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This discussion has run it's course. I don't think we need to continue to make comments about this woman that break Rule 1.
NTA and as of right now, you no longer cook for her. Ever again.
This is a massive red flag to me. Let's break this down:
You're in charge of dinner. Presumably that arrangement has stood for some time, through mutual agreement.
There's a LIST of her "acceptable" food which you are required to adhere to (and I bet you seriously miss some things that aren't on that list).
You put in the thought, time and effort to make a meal within her guidelines.
She completely ignored your meal, carefully plated, and on the table, but started eating the leftovers out of the pan.
She got angry with you for being hurt.
That shows, to me, that she controls your own access to food.
She takes away an activity from you that you enjoy (the freedom to cook tasty foods you enjoy), whilst simultaneously expecting you to engage in that behavior for her benefit (preparing her meals).
She has no respect for your generosity of time, care and thought for her, and efforts to make her happy.
She then manipulates you into being the bad guy for being upset that she totally undermined you and devalued your effort.
I had a relationship with a guy who was a picky eater. He was selfish in other ways too.
This would be a hill to die on, to me. Food (preparing, sharing, going out to eat etc.) is such a huge part of human social interaction, and affection. By her actions, she has shown that this isn't about food - but how she values you, and her relationship with you.
Edit: Gold! My first ever! I'm thrilled thank you so much 😊
Edit 2: Fried rice does not "Asian food" make.
Edit 3: thanks for the silvers, guys. Is really appreciated.
Final edit: this post was made a long time before OPs update. I'm glad they're talking it out and figuring out how to make it easier for both of them, and that they're happy together. BW, OP and fiance.
Damn. Nothing more for me to say. You covered it all
Poor OP. This post pissed me right the fuck off.
General rule of thumb - don't stay in relationships with people who treat you like shit.
Agreed, there are few things as disheartening as someone shooting down something you love to do.
I have friends who are picky eaters. Sometimes I make adjustments so that other people will enjoy what I prepared, but they're always appreciative that someone thought of them while cooking. Other times, they try something new because I like it it. Whether or not they enjoyed it, it's nice to know that they're willing to go outside their comfort zone.
Exactly. What your friends do - saying thank you for accommodating me - is not what is happening here.
This is not about food. Food is just the medium. This is about control.
How DARE she walk past the food on the table - made exclusively of food she deigns to eat - then get pissy at OP?
OP has bent over backwards here and it's still not enough.
Also, when did saying "please" and "thank you" become optional when someone who cares about you does something nice for you?
I’ll be the first to admit I’m a pretty picky eater, but I always make an effort to eat as much as I can of something, even if it’s not a meal I enjoy, someone’s put a lot of effort in to making it and it’d be rude to just avoid it
This, exactly. Fast forward 15-20 years, you marry her and have 3 kids. They are each equally picky, but in different ways, as to different ingredients and classes of food. They learned this pickiness from her. This is my life. Married a picky eater, had 3 kids, and now I prepare 4 different dinners for these jerks every night. Me? Don't eat much as all fun eating anything is gone.
If it makes you feel any better, neither my husband nor I are picky eaters (he’s a Michelin starred chef even), and my son is the pickiest SOB you’ll ever meet. I tried so hard when he was a baby to make all his first foods at home, using heaps of vegetables, and I can count the number of things he eats with any regularity on one hand. Pickiness can be a crapshoot.
If I can provide a small piece of unsolicited advice, it’s this:
Don’t give in. Make the meal that you and your husband are going to eat. Offer it to your son. If he gets picky about it, then he doesn’t eat. After the meal, the kitchen is closed. No more food, no snacks, nothing.
In my personal experience, kids are picky because parents let them be. They make them a special meal, they let them snack, etc. why would a kid eat vegetables, when they know they will get graham crackers an hour later if they refuse to eat?
Another thing you can do, is save their leftovers. If they refuse to eat, then calmly tell them “this is our meal. You can choose to eat it now, or we can save it and you can have it at the next meal”. If they have a tantrum or a fit, you let them do that, but you hold the line. “This is what we are having for dinner. You can eat it, or you can go to bed hungry. What’s best for you?”
Your will is stronger than a child’s. It might sound “mean”, but I can assure you that your son will eat, and this is something that’s a million times easier to solve NOW so that it doesn’t turn into something impossible to manage later.
He’ll get over that pickiness REAL fast.
Don’t give in. Make the meal that you and your husband are going to eat. Offer it to your son. If he gets picky about it, then he doesn’t eat. After the meal, the kitchen is closed. No more food, no snacks, nothing.
Living organisms are not stupid enough to voluntarily kill themselves over this. If food is available they will eat it. Whether it is a child, a dog or a hamster. Works great imo as well. +1
Just have a doctor look the situation over first. For normal picky eaters this can be a great solution, and it wont take long to get them going. You train them, they grow up with a broad diet.
If a kid has sensory issues or any other mental/mood problem, they will starve themselves before eating a non-safe food. This caveat is not going to apply to most kids, but it's worth mentioning.
To be fair, when it is a medical condition it rarely the chicken nuggets and pasta combo that flies. That is just very typical of a simply spoiled picky child.
My husbands boss watches her grandkids a lot. All said grandkids will eat is chicken nuggets and hot dogs. She is constantly amazed that our kids eat whatever we do, but it’s just never been up for debate. We make one meal for everyone and that’s it. Some meals they like more than others and there are some meals they really hate that we try not to make much. Kids are hard enough without adding a food complication.
Your last point is an important one. I've got supertasters and people with sensory issues in my family; my gran would be unable to eat for the rest of the day if she encountered a texture she couldn't handle, and she could detect the tiniest hint of a seasoning she couldn't eat. Some people legitimately cannot help being picky eaters, and when this is the case, being offended that they won't eat something you've cooked is just silly. At that point, it's basically a disability.
Not necessarily. I have autism, and was once a child. Autistic children are notoriously picky eaters. My parents didnt cater to my tastes. I just wouldn’t eat, then when time to go to the doctor came round they would always say I was way too underweight. Kept choosing starve over eating food I don’t like.
Then later my brother was born, and he would just projectile vomit the minute anything he didn’t like touched his tongue.
Parents don’t always get to “choose” to let their kids be picky.
There are certainly extenuating circumstances, but the general idea I’m trying to put out, is that it’s worth a try.
Yup, i let my daughter go to bed 'hungry' once when she was 4.
She had options. I didn't make a fuss over it. Try what was cooked (and i wasn't making anything crazy or weird) and if she really tried it and didn't like it then after i was done eating I'd make her a PB&J. If she refused to try it then she got a piece of bread at bedtime.
If she ever fussed, i told her she had those two options. She tried to call my bluff once, got that slice of bread after her bath, and then never tried that again.
It also helped that i'd have her help me with little things when cooking and she helped with the small garden we had. When she helped grow them she was more interested in eating it.
She's 17 now and loves to cook, loves to try new things, and she even eats a broader range of food than i do. Like i hate seafood, mushrooms, and some other things. She LOVES THEM. Weird kid.
We tried this with my oldest and found it lead to an unreasonable, hangry toddler who would wake up several times a night due to hunger but still refuse to eat anything.
What we found worked better for her was to offer something she liked at every meal, generally fruit, but she had to eat the other foods we were having to have the fruit. When she was little we would alternate bites. So, have a bite of chicken, get a bite of strawberry, have a bite of broccoli, get a bite of strawberry,...
As she grew we switched to her being served a little bit of everything including the fruit. She ate the fruit first but then had to eat the other things on her plate before she could have more fruit. This worked really well in getting her to try things, and eventually she grew into a good eater. We did away with having a side specially for her and moved to the model you described.
The alternating bites thing didn't work for my second at all, so we switched to the "this is dinner, take it or leave it" approach for him earlier.
I have mixed thoughts on this, to be honest. So I’m the oldest of three kids, and I’ve always been a human garbage disposal, I’ll eat anything. My middle brother was a little picky as a kid but my parents held their ground using exactly these tactics and he came round. Our youngest brother, however, has always been really picky. My poor mom stressed herself half to death trying to get him to eat something besides ramen and hot dogs, but he’ll literally go without food for days rather than eat something he doesn’t like, and he was already quite thin so I can see why she didn’t want to call his bluff. (Also he’s HORRIBLE to be around when he’s hungry and she did, like, have a life beyond constantly micromanaging a starving, angry kid.) She put her foot down, fought, begged, bribed, consulted doctors, and every other thing you could imagine, and it just straight-up did not fucking work. Eventually he was a teenager and realistically she couldn’t control what he ate anymore. He’s in college now and he’s gotten a little better, but he definitely doesn’t eat like a normal adult. So I kinda hate hearing people blow pickiness off as ‘oh it’s the parents’ fault lol, just send em to bed hungry and they’ll get over it’ because I saw firsthand all the times my mom broke down in tears because everyone kept telling her it was so simple and she still couldn’t get him to eat. Like, I’m glad it was that easy for you but you don’t know everyone’s lives/struggles/kids.
(Personally, I think in my brother’s case it’s a neurodevelopmental thing - we have a family history of high-functioning autism and while my brother’s not autistic I think he might be just a little further down that spectrum than the average person, for this and various other reasons. You never know exactly what’s going on in anyone else’s brain.)
edit: wait what, why did I get gold for a comment with nine upvotes
This might work in some situations but not in others. It really depends on your kid and your family situation.
My grandmother had this experience growing up ("you eat when you get or you don't eat") and it caused pretty significant resentment towards her parents. She has memories of throwing up over foods she didn't like and she often went hungry instead of eating what was available.
Both my sister and I were picky eaters growing up and my mom honestly just didn't have the time to make it an issue. She was a single working mom and she felt like she had bigger thing to focus on when she was at home. We've both mostly sorted ourselves out once we've grown.
I also had an anxiety disorder as a kid and I guarantee if someone tried the "eat this or don't eat" it would cause a blow up that would take weeks to settle down.
I'm not saying it doesn't work or never do it but it's necessary to really think about the individual situation going in.
I was going to point this out, too. My parents eat basically everything except my mom doesn't like squash and my dad hates melon. Otherwise, pretty much any fruits, veggies, grains, dairy, or proteins are on the table. Growing up, my sister and I were SUPER picky, as in, if it wasn't corn, peas, carrots, or green beans, we couldn't stand the veggies. Both of us have our gag reflexes triggered by leafy greens, even today. My sister likes more fruits than I do, and although my tastes have expanded over the years, I still don't really like most stone fruits and only enjoy a couple of berry types. They asked us to try things, but if we tried them and honestly didn't like them, we were never forced to eat them, so it's not like this is a rebellious reaction to childhood struggles, either.
Sometimes your kids are picky for no good reason.
I was picky. My parents served me the same meal until I ate it. I stopped being picky.
My little sister was picky. My parents caved to her desires. She is still picky.
Continued pickiness is a result of parenting.
Something you may already be aware of that I realized from growing out of being a picky eater as a kid to eating pretty much anything; kids are extremely sensitive to bitterness and acid. Doubly so if your kid happens to be in the 25% of the population that fall into the super taster category.
Try to avoid recipes or ingredients that could at any stretch of the imagination be considered slightly bitter. Even if you don't consider it in any way bitter at all it could be overwhelmingly bitter to a picky eater.
You can also try adapting recipes to slightly sweeter versions.
I used to find cooked carrots inedibly bitter but raw ones quite sweet. When I was a kid even parsnips were too bitter for me to handle but now I find them veey sweet.
I had the same problem cooking for my husband. He never came when the food was ready, I always had to wait until he came to the table, complained that he had to eat too much with my cooking and that I never cooked stuff he liked.
I finally snapped when one weekend I prepared a lunch specifically for him, all the foods he said he liked. It was also very tricky to prepare and I don't really like it that much. He didn't even try one morsel of it and said he's not hungry.
That was the last time I cooked something for him. These days I cook what I like (or what our daughter likes) when we want to eat. In case I have enough for 3 I ask him whether he wants something too.
I really hate that but I have given up. It's not worth it.
I’m lucky, wife and kids have same pickyness, but I die a little inside every time I make a really good meal and eat it by myself while everyone else has chicken nuggets and Mac and cheese for the 5th time this week.
Looks like dinners are now your wife's job.
I may have an unpopular opinion but this analysis of who she is as a person seems a little extreme to me.
I would still say NTA but because I think OP has a right to be hurt. He did something nice for someone and they didn’t appreciate it like he expected them to. But seriously particular eaters are just that. It’s not necessarily because they’re definitely manipulative, self centered, purposefully walked past the plated food, has no respect for your time, so on and so forth. They just don’t value that one thing same way you do. Kinda like how you don’t value the fact that she apparently hates vegetables and has to be in the mood for something if she’s going to eat it.
It just sounds to me like more communication and understanding is needed on both sides to make that relationship work. If cooking is a really important way for you to express your love to someone, and that person is just not as into food as you are, somethings gotta give.
Ok, point taken.
They just don’t value that one thing same way you do.
Then, yes, there is a communication gap, and OP should sit down with her and they should agree some boundaries. Not cooking for each other should be at the top of the list. Tho I'll be surprised if this conversation hasn't come up over and over, during the course of their relationship.
Kinda like how you don’t value the fact that she apparently hates vegetables and has to be in the mood for something if she’s going to eat it.
Do you mean the "Royal" you, OP, or me in particular? Because you keep using it, and as far as I know the only thing she'll eat is boiled spiders.
Again, I don't actually think this is about food. She was hungry enough to eat the chicken out of the pan...
Lol not you you. Sorry, I always talk myself into circles when replying because I tend to refer to a situation specifically, then defer to the overarching situation which gets all my you’s confused. I’m sure you personally don’t have a real interest or need in valuing this person eating habits haha.
But yes. They can set the appropriate boundaries and if they end up finding themselves walled off from each other then at least at that time, it’s easier to go their own ways. (I did better that time and changed at least 3 yous to they and their lol)
this! i’ve been a very picky eater my entire life, and my boyfriend loves to cook. when he cooks for me, i always try his food even if it contains something i usually don’t like and if it’s still not good to me, oh well, he’s fine with that. but i’ll always try it, and i’ve ended up enjoying food a lot more than i used to and learned to love foods i used to hate. OP’s girlfriend is not just a picky eater, she’s selfish and unappreciative.
This 100%. Stop cooking for her. Cook only for yourself. It’s not you punishing her or being petty. You enjoy cooking and eating. You should be able to explore that. You are not responsible for feeding a grown adult. Especially not one who is as unappreciative of your time, care, and effort as she sounds. Her turning it around and trying to make you feel bad when you explained that her behavior hurt you is a huge red flag.
Damn, I’d say this is spot on. OP if it doesn’t work out I’ll be your Fiancé. I’m not very interesting, or funny, or a woman. But boy oh boy I’ll eat your cooking up no questions asked.
Yeah the appreciation factor is a big deal. My girlfriend isn't picky but doesn't like all of my favourite foods (and one time I nearly had a heart attack when she said she wasn't usually the biggest fan of rice) and I'm an enthusiastic cook as well, with food being a big deal for us both. However, I know she would make an effort to try to like anything I make, wants me to teach her more about cooking, and is willing to try let me teach her to love some of the foods she doesn't usually eat. As a result, I'm more than happy to try and prepare food in the way she would like it and am probably a better chef for it. We're from different continents and cultures with different culinary favourites but food is a really happy point in our relationship because of our positivity towards exploration.
I agree 110%. Where I'm from it's actually rude NOT to try people's cooking. So yeah, NTA.
Break up with her. Life’s too short to be a food lover and limited by her palate. And definitely too short to be emotionally manipulated like that as a result of her pathology.
Let her starve.
She’s not a child. You’re not directly responsible for her health and well-being such as a dependant.
Let her eat nothing but white rice and fucking nuggets. Enjoy your gourmet food on your own you iron chef mother fucken legend. SHE is the one missing out, bruh.
Let go and get over it before YOU become the asshole.
Let her eat nothing but white rice and fucking nuggets. Enjoy your gourmet food on your own you iron chef mother fucken legend. SHE is the one missing out, bruh.
Let go and get over it before YOU become the asshole.
Honestly, I wouldn't marry someone like this. If someone can't bother to try vegetables there's go to be a lot of other problems there. How many other things won't they try? New TV, movies, books, travel, bedroom shit? I can't deal with someone that isn't into trying new things.
Yeah this is never the kind of thing I would tell an OP to break up over, but I know it would be a deal breaker for me.
Her health is going to go to shit, all meat and empty carbs. Even just putting aside how childish this behavior is, I couldn't be with someone who would do that to their health - too scary!
Here it is - I’m glad someone said it. When you’re in your early 20s your body can process food efficiently and you won’t suffer any ill effects from it. When you’re 30, 40, 50, that’s a different story. If she’s gonna pitch this kind of fit every time a new food is presented to her then she’s never gonna find healthy foods that she likes which means she’s gonna have a lifetime of serious health issues. I wonder if OP realizes that he’s signing on to be her permanent caretaker.
See that's exactly how I feel too. Like I can't bring myself to tell OP to drop her, but personally, there's no fucking way I could be with someone like that.
This is one of those small details that I feel are major in the long run.
It sounds petty in the moment to say "I broke up with them, because they wouldn't try anything new." Yet imagine instead saying "Guess we'll be missing out on yet again a new restaurant, or something fun to try because my partner only eats, 'etc'."
Thats it, its not about the food, its the attitude, im in a similar relationship, everything looked great at first, then I found out shes a picky eater, doesnt want to try anything she does not know, does not want to watch any movie or series for which she does not like the cover and its the same in every asset of life, if she hasnt tried and like anything before she was 20 she wont try it now. Shes a sweet girl but im seriously considering breaking up over this!
Yeah, for me it's not the pickiness, it's the general experiential laziness that usually comes along with it. Everyone I've known like this always thinks that if something is not familiar it's not worth doing. "Why eat this thing I don't know if I like if I can just eat chicken wings again?" and "Why go hike through Yosemite this weekend when I can sit at home doing the same old shit again?" are very closely related attitudes and I'm just not up for cajoling someone into...everything.
That last bit is really wise.
And make sure she is cooking for herself- enjoy the food you made and she can make her own meals. If she’s going to act like a controlling, entitled, thankless brat- feed yourself.
Everyone here is treating this as a rational choice on her part. It's likely a physiological sensitivity to certain flavors and or her having control issues because of her childhood
I understand that you try to bring it to a childhood issue. OP’s fiancée doesn’t have to be rude and not sit at the table and eat the plate he served her. That is mean, a direct hit. I have a child that is particular to certain textures. I could have gone the easy route of just making special food for her. However my family shows live through food and I would hate for her to miss that experience. Instead food that has special textures is now diced finely or made into another form. We sit have dinner, talk and just enjoy the pleasure of being together.
Yes as the picky girlfriend it’s not worth both of your sanity to fight over. Don’t try to coerce her into eating. It can cause a negative association with food. She can be hungry that’s her consequence.
My ex and I used to go in circles over this and it is so not worth it. Once I was with someone supportive it totally changed the tone. There’s all kinds of food I’ll eat now that I wouldn’t touch before. All it took was someone being nice and to not yell at me and tell me I was ruining everything.
NTA. You dating a toddler?
Yep, this post made me think about the one with the joke that a toddler wrote it, and OP had to wake up their roommates (parents) during the night to have food.
This one's is similar, but it's actually real.
Edit: link to the post
thanks to u/fishpie2
I cannot believe this is a shit post. I remember reading this before it was edited and being hella confused
Seriously, this gives me the fuckin shits. One of my friends is like this. I like cooking and he won't eat ANYTHING. The list of food he doesn't like includes chilli, garlic, salt and pepper, mayonnaise, steak that isn't well done, anything spicy...
Jesus Christ no salt and pepper???
NTA - I personally think that if someone won’t even TRY something new it isn’t so much that they are just being picky but that they are being closed minded and stubborn. You would be the asshole if she tried it, honestly hated it and you still made her eat it.
Yeah I kinda feel the same way. Like I would have been okay if she at least tried it and said she didn't like. Everyone has their own tastes but it hurts when she won't even give it a chance.
Added other POV I’m labeled a picky eater; growing up I was the same, chicken and rice or potatoes or pasta. Fast forward to now, turns out by listening to my body I was avoiding lots of food triggers for my Ulcerative Colitis (nuts, seeds, nightshade veg, I literally can’t even eat things I love such as grapes) sometimes it’s important to listen to your body cause otherwise you end up internally bleeding. Not saying she has this condition, just saying there can be underlying reasons. I hate jello because of the mouth feel, same with haggis and mushrooms.
The real question I think here is; how does she handle other issues of flexibility? Is she a rigid inflexible person or are you labeling her “picky”, deciding it’s a negative thing and using it as judgement? Cause then YTA. If you have decided you are going to cook for her and because you cook she should feel grateful then yta, yea. My boyfriend never tries to make my plate for me because a, I’m an adult and b, he knows I’m particular about my food. Yes, she needs to communicate better about her wants but if you feel your cooking isn’t appreciated enough then tell her to eat her food and you’ll eat yours without rancor or judgement.
He made a meal with only items from a freaking LIST of the only foods she will eat. She still refused to even try it, and then told him rudely that no one should ever have to try his food. He’s definitely NTA here.
Well being picky can be a negative thing when you don’t eat healthy food options(pasta and chicken nuggets over time ain’t that great for you). I don’t think expecting someone show a little appreciation for cooking is an asshole move either. Cooking takes a lot of work and it’s tiring too, if someone didn’t appreciate the time i took out of my day to cook for them with me still cooking to accommodate their food choice needs and then to have them completely disregard it....I would be upset. I feel like lack of appreciation in a lot of ways can deteriorate a relationship over time. There’s no harm is saying “thank you” at least.
Slightly OT but my six year old son is on the autism spectrum and has a lot of sensory issues around food (no issues with noise/clothing fabric/other senses, just food), and I guess what I’d like to know is, did it ever get better for you? Or do you still have all the same aversions now as you did when you were little?
As far as OP goes, his fiancé reminds me of my aforementioned six year old child, who also has a list of approved foods I can choose from. The difference is when I make a good for him that he likes, he’s appreciative and he eats it.
You are totally not the asshole here. I'd go with what the top commenter said. She knows she is picky, she knows this is something you love to do, that you are also in charge of food, and that you've made every effort to accommodate her. She is disrespecting you and treating you like crap.
She may not be aware that she's being selfish and thoughtless. Most people do stuff or are selfish in little ways that they don't see. If that's the case, then as soon as this gets broken down for her, she should be a bit more respectful. If she's not, I'd reconsider the long term future you have with this person. Is food really that big of deal to you? For some people it's not. But, for me and whole lot of other people, it is. Can you put up with this crap for 20+ years? I could not. Dinner, in my view, ought to be relaxed and something you look forward to. Dinner should not be a daily drama.
This can be an eating disorder, ARFID.
A good analogy is that most (Western) people wouldn't try food like insects or alive squids even if they don't know what it actually tastes/feels like. Still there's a physical reflex to reject that food. For people with that disorder everything that isn't on their safe list makes them feel like a normal person being offered an alive squid.
Wow. Thank you. I hate to self-diagnose, but this is something I never understood about myself and has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. People used to make fun of me because I was so skinny - my nickname in highschool was anorexi lexi. But I didn’t try to starve myself, I just thought food was disgusting. I never once ate lunch in school because the cafeteria had open bowls of ketchup that people spooned over...ack I can’t even think about it.
There are very few foods I can tolerate - everything has to be dry or have a dry texture. Plain rice is okay, pasta, being slippery, is hard to get down. Any hint of textures within texture - for example a nut in ice cream could, at one point in my life, make me stop eating anything at all for days. Butter on toast is still something that makes me gag.
I hate being invited to a friend’s place for dinner even though I so much appreciate their kindness, but I know I’ll almost 100% be confronted with a food that causes me severe distress to even look at. A bowl of ratatouille set in front of me is torture (happened years ago at a friend’s dinner, I still have to block the visual from my mind - they thought I was having a panic attack because I sprang out of my seat across the room. I pretended I was bit by a misquito.) And I can’t force the food near my mouth if it might have a strange or slimy texture. There are foods I don’t like, but I will eat them - steak for example, as long as it seems very dry - which I am aware is not the optimal condition for steak. But a cherry tomato? I can eat a tomato sauce if I cook it myself and control the texture of the ingredients (meaning I use tomato paste, not actual tomato), but I cannot even pretend to nibble a cherry tomato. Or a pepper - the inside is slimy but the outside is crisp - I just shuddered in revulsion. Macintosh apples are okay because the crisp insides are a fair match for the skin, other apples and fruits like grapes or plums - eek!
Anyway, I thought this was a strange quirk that I never grew out of. Not that I’m thrilled to have a “disorder” but it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
In my household my husband is an omnivore and loves to cook - but he primarily cooks for himself and I eat my dry toast or dried apricots or whatever I can tolerate at the moment. He’s fine with that because he doesn’t feel the need to feed me or restrict himself. On Saturdays however, I cook an actual meal, taking his favorite foods into account, modifying them if necessary so that I can eat them too. I make enough so we can share leftovers on another day. He rarely cooks for me, but he loves to grill and I enjoy picking at burnt bits of things, so he feels like he can make food for me sometimes.
Maybe OP can take some comfort in the fact that he will never have to go to the refrigerator, starving, and ask where the leftover shrimps (or whatever) are, only to find his girlfriend has eaten them. That never ever happens in my house! So there’s something to be said for living with a really picky eater.
Except the specific list of foods you sound exactly like my SO :D
She also has the same resulting social issues and very much appreciated the feel of not being alone with this.
Two tips: this is curable. Maybe consider seeing a therapist. Your husband seems understanding, so tell him when you feel he can do something helpful. Also depending on your safe food list you may be malnutritioned. From reading your comment your diet doesn't seem extremely monotonous but it still can't hurt to have it checked.
Best of luck for you :)
I was starved as a kid and as a result have this. I ate mash potato and gravy only until I was 21, and as a kid got by on still frozen fries a lot. (I’ve been in treatment for a few years now). Reading these comments was a bit sad until I saw this one, so thanks! My therapist calls is SED and is very reassuring but I even find myself thinking I’m acting like a child and must just be selfish, but putting anything else near my mouth makes me gag. I’ve tried everything to get passed it; it’s so embarrassing to be 30, out with friends, ordering a plain chicken burger with nothing on the side. I’m so bored of saying “yup plain, no sauce, no salad, just the chicken and the bread” to every waitress, takeaway worker and friend who cooks for me. I’m terrified I’ll make my future kids like this so need it gone ASAP.
If my BF cuts onions on a cutting board, and then cuts something for me, I vomit. I can taste everything.
It’s actually kinda life-controlling. There’s so many foods that smell and look amazing to me, but they’re the wrong texture so I can’t put them anywhere near my mouth.
In the last three months I’ve added two new foods to my list though - pepperoni and chilli (we blend up the homemade chilli sauce so I still get the veg intake and no texture) and I’m actually pretty proud of that.
Anyone reading this and relating, struggling with the textures of food, I 100% recommend a nutribullet or another good blender. Blending sauces up to be smooth before cooking it in with meat is the only way I’ve managed to diversify.
Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder
Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID), previously known as selective eating disorder (SED), is a type of eating disorder, where certain foods are limited based on appearance, smell, taste, texture, brand, presentation, or a past negative experience with the food.
NTA, man I feel you on this.
I thought I was a picky eater then I met my boyfriend... his diet consists of like chicken and that’s kind of it.
So for Thanksgiving he asked me if I could make an apple pie for our dinner. I was super stoked he was suggesting a dish. I mean, I hate apple pie but heck yeah I’ll make him one. He was suppose to help/oversee the process (I’m a terrible cook and he knows this) but he had a long day and was exhausted so I told him to go take a nap. How hard could an apple pie be really??
Well.... I made it, thought I’d done super well. It smelled good, I tasted it and I actually thought it tasted well! Which was great since I hate apple pie, so it had to taste good if I liked it right?
My boyfriend took one look at it, told me he appreciated my effort but it looked weird and he wouldn’t be eating it.
That killed me. He’s never really hurt my feelings until that point. I’m still kind of bummed about it actually. :(
So sorry to monopolize this. I just wanted to say I get you. It can really freaking hurt when you try and do something for them and they won’t even attempt to try it. Like, oof.
My boyfriend took one look at it, told me he appreciated my effort but it looked weird and he wouldn’t be eating it.
I would have thrown the pie in his face and be like "Now you don't have to"
I would have eaten it all alone, posted it on an appropriate subreddit for pitty points and enjoyed myself while excluding him from my life for an hour or so. Only me and my apple pie.
IMO, I'd seriously talk to your bf about the pie. Making any kind of pie (unless it's like a coolwhip pie or a dump and plate pie) takes a ton of work.
Especially apple with the peeling, coring slicing, etc. And then if you make your own crust it's a struggle to make sure you get the right ratio of butter and flour and not overwork the dough...
And even more so if cooking isn't your thing and you hate apple pie. You made the effort to bake something that you don't have experience in, that he specifically asked for, that he knows you don't like and won't eat it...and he refused to taste it?
I'm pissed for you. It shouldn't have mattered that it looked weird. You aren't a professional chef. Your pie isn't going to look like that perfectly baked apple pie on TV, the recipe sheet, like the pies that you can from a bakery or supermarket. And that's ok. You're not a baker or a professional patisserie chef or even an armchair chef. Yeah, it might look a bit weird but that is no excuse to refuse trying it.
If you do decide to try and make another apple pie, share it with people who care about you no matter what it ends up looking and tasting like.
Also, just a tip, for apple pies, Granny Smith apples and whatever the recipe says for cinnamon, double it. And if you do make a crust from scratch use cold cubed butter (basically just chop a stick into smaller squares) and use parchment paper to between your rolling pin and the pie crust.
I spent 3 weeks working on apple pie filling to get it the best and discovered nutmeg is the real unsung hero. I dont disagree with your recommendations either but def add nutmeg, you will not regret it.
Also a big fan of replacing any cloves in recipes with allspice. Allspice is amazing and is not used enough
100% agree. How it looks doesn't affect how it tastes, bitch! Eat your girlfriend's fucking pie she made just for you!
Best addition you can make is a whiskey or bourbon. Just a tablespoon to your apples as you parcook them on the stove. Always parcook your apples so there is no gap in your pie.
Also add some to the crust. Just a tablespoon to replace the same amount of ice water. This doesn't add much flavor but you will get a perfect flaky crust.
The alcohol cooks out but the flavor is boosted so much. Makes perfect apple anything by adding a tiny bit of bourbon.
My older brother does shit like this. A few weeks ago we were both visiting our parents at the same time. He said he wanted pasta, so I volunteered to make some for everyone because it was lunchtime anyway. I made it. My mom even made him up a bowl and brought it to him on the couch so he wouldn’t have to get up. It was literally just plain pasta with a little bit of butter. He looked at her and said “oh, I can’t eat that.”
my LEAST favorite thing is when someone without allergies or any specific diet requirements says "i can't eat that". yes you absolutely can. you're just picky and weak.
What kind of pasta did he expect?
Oh for fucks sake, wouldn’t even try it? After making it? Hell, I love apple pie, and I recognize not every apple pie is the same. But if I fucking asked anyone, let alone my SO to make me something, the very least I can do is try it.
Sure, maybe he was expecting something else that in his mind is an apple pie, that kind of misunderstanding happens all the time. If that was the case, he should’ve explained the confusion, and still tried it. You put a lot of effort in that you didn’t have to. Effort he asked for. And he couldn’t managed to take even a single bite?! God I am so pissed.
I’d be thrilled if my SO accidentally made me an apple tart instead of an apple pie, at the very least it deserves trying it. Hell, even if it turned out to that whole apples were baked into it, core and all, I’d still appreciate the effort, try some, and hopefully crack a few well-meaning jokes.
I really hope that pie you baked didn’t go to waste, that would break my heart, given how much effort and emotion you put into it. I’m sorry you had to go through that. :(
But it LOOKED WEIRD
If you ask for a specific dish, you eat it. Then, you ask if there is enough for seconds....Especially if the person isn't an experienced cook.
Seriously, unless it is a health risk, you eat it (don't poison yourself)
I can't even wrap my head around someone turning down a requested dish based on the look. There's being a picky eater and there's acting like an asshole.
Sounds like a lil bitch boy to me
And the real key is spotting and escaping bitch boys cuz they won't change and no one should be stuck with a bitch, boy or gal
I get really angry when I read this. Rude to you and the time you invested for him! And then not even trying it!
He better be your ex boyfriend now
If the look of the final product is enough for him to not want to try it, I think it's very, very important that he's there for, and best of all involved in the process of making whatever's being cooked! It's a common tip for picky eaters.
Being there for the process will demystify what's in it, he'll be invested and he won't be scared of something alien being present.
I think this should be a lesson for the future. I completely understand why you're upset, especially because there's no solution implemented atm. It seems that either you cook for him again, and the same thing might happen, or you don't cook for him again.
I suggest a third option.
If you're cooking something where you're invested in him trying it out (for example cooking something specifically for him, like in this story), don't cook for him alone.
Cook together with him from now on, to circumvent the final product putting him off.
If he can't participate when you make food specifically for him, don't cook. Cause you both know he gets scared when he hasn't been involved. Put it off for a time where he can be involved.
You can still cook on your own for yourself, or cook for the both of you if you're not too bothered about him, but don't cook alone when it's important for him not to be put off by the final result.
Ugh, my girlfriend does this. She has absolutely no concept of what an appropriate amount of salt or pepper is and wonders why most of her food comes out bland. It's like she has in her mind a fixed amount of salt that she should be adding to food but doesn't know how to mentally scale it with the amount of food being prepared.
It's the same way with things like hot peppers. If I'm adding ghost peppers to something she'll immediately insist she won't be able to eat it, but she doesn't take into account how much pepper I'm adding to how much food. Ghost = spicy in her mind and that's where it ends.
Next time, tell him to make his own fucking apple pie.
I'm genuinely upset for you. So rude of him to not even try it. Did you ever talk to him about it and let him know he hurt your feelings?
I’m sorry that happened. :(
No fucking way. If my SO took the time to make me a pie I specifically asked for, you better believe I'd eat the entire damn thing. Who ducking cares what it looks like? Did her Gramma teach her nothing?!
You and OP should hook up and introduce your spiceless chicken-eating SOs to each other.
Jeez is he at least a good person overall? I’m sorry but even if I’ve hated someone’s cooking(some of my friends parents cooking growing up was just awful) I still ate that shit with a smile on my face. I think my parents instilled this into me because in our culture it’s disrespectful to tell someone you don’t like something they’ve prepared for you. That’s just so rude to even say it was weird looking too. I would never cook for him again, my self esteem as a cook would drop hard.
NTA, she seems insensitive, it's common courtesy to at least try the food when someone specifically makes something for you out of love.
Even more so when it contains the ingredients from the list that she specifically said are good to cook with and she will eat. If I were that dude I would run far away
Exactly! If OP insisted on making things that the girlfriend had said she disliked, then acting the way she did *might* be understandable. But to essentially provide a list of things she says she likes and STILL treat the food OP lovingly prepared like it's garbage is ridiculously rude behavior toward someone she supposedly loves.
My family called it "thank you bites". Even if the food doesn't look like something you would normally like or a little weird you had to at least take a couple bites as a way of saying thank you to those who made the food. A good amount of the time as a kid we would then find we didn't mind the dish and eat more.
That’s really cute and a good lesson, your family sounds cool.
Yeah my mother is just like OP’s gf, and it’s really a terror to deal with. The problem is they don’t look at food as a form of love, they see it as something they have to do. She gets borderline offended when I tell her that I but a bell pepper in the spaghetti sauce so she could get a little nutrition. She won’t even try new foods, like a spoiled toddler she will sit there and say no no no no and shake her head and get wildly defensive about not eating anything outside of her “comfort”. My mom considers herself a “foodie” but won’t eat anything green, or anything that grew out of the ground besides wheat, potato and rice. I argue that you can’t be a “foodie” if you wont even try half of the worlds food selection. Her top 5 food groups? Diet Coke, Ground beef, potatoes, ranch and bacon.
my gf likes to drown all her food in sauce no matter what it is (she's called soup "dry" before.) she at least tastes my cooking before drowning it.
NTA - It’s an incredibly unfortunate and frustrating situation for you. With such a limited diet and complete lack of willingness to even taste anything else, it seems like there’s more at play than a simple “picky eater”. This has to be at least slightly psychological. She needs to be made aware this isn’t “normal behavior” and I hope you can both work through this.
It would be a deal-breaker for me.
I just told her about this post. I hope she can see the comments and have it help her understand how I am feeling.
I sincerely hope she approaches these comments with humility and maturity. Both of you deserve to be with someone who will encourage you and your passions and dietary needs. *edit - spelling
I hope the partner approaches the comments with maturity.
And I hope the OP does, too.
OP shouldn't get frustrated at what his partner likes/doesn't like in terms of food, tastes, and hobbies. OP isn't saving a soul every time he forces his partner to try some new food.
OP's hobby is trying new foods/cooking. OP's partner doesn't enjoy his hobby of cooking/trying new foods. That's fine.
OP & partner need to connect over shared interests, not ones that don't align.
OP & partner should cook on their own.
OP can share his hobby (cooking & trying new foods) with the people in his life who actually enjoy that hobby (cooking & trying new foods), instead of trying to force that hobby on his partner. There's nothing wrong with eating a balanced diet of the same foods on repeat and finding what works for you.
Yeah but he made it from the "safe food" list and their set up is that he cooks. I understand what you and other commentators are saying about how it's OP's hobby, she has her own tastes, and she shouldn't have to accommodate Op's thing.
BUT - Op made it from her "safe food" list and Op's in charge of din din. In that context, I think she's being a jerk for not at least having a bite or saying "Thank you for your efforts, but this has sqicked me on some level" etc.
Are you all not reading the part where OP makes extra sure this is some food that's in the ballpark of what she says she'll eat?
It's not simply her likes/dislikes in food that's the problem, and he's not forcing any hobby on her. I see she hardly eats anything but plain foods. Also, it's mutual agreement that he does the cooking for the house, this isn't just hobby cooking, it's life cooking, and she's putting him down.
It's not about what she does or doesn't like it's about her being incredibly impolite. Like I'm also kinda picky with what I eat (also kind of like a toddler so mostly pasta pizza and things that involve ham and cheese and preferably two slices of bread) but I will try anything someone offers to me. Even if there are things in it that I might not like. Depending on how it is I'll either say "sorry it's not for me" or just eat it even if it's not 100% my taste. I get that she doesn't want to try new things every day (I don't either) but then you can just say "hey I'm in the mood for X" or "can you please make X" or (if you're feeling especially nice) "hey I love that X you made last time can you maybe make that again?". Alternatively she could also offer to cook herself if she wants something specific or offer to buy take out.
I’m just as picky as she sounds. There were six months where I wouldn’t eat anything except white rice when I was 18. New foods absolutely terrify me, mostly because of texture. It was actually a huge relief when I was diagnosed with a severe digestive illness because then I had a “legitimate” reason to avoid foods that others wouldn’t judge me for. How sick is that? That said, I prepare all my own food and don’t make others keep track of what I can/will eat. It’s not normal and I wish I had the money to go to a therapist. She shouldn’t think it’s normal, it definitely is not, but it may be a lot more complicated than “just try it.”
I also have an eating disorder, so there’s that. I’m not saying she does too — I would never presume to say that about someone I don’t know — but it felt relevant to mention it in my specific case.
Please take a multivitamin with iron and a calcium supplement (2x daily for calcium) if you still eat like this. You could get a severe nutritional deficiency (scurvy, pellagra, iron deficiency anemia, etc)!
She might have an eating disorder in which case making her feel bad isn't going to help.
You're hurt, but you knew what she was like getting into this relationship. You may have to adjust your expectations. Did you ask her why she did this? Talk to each other.
For those of you calling her an entitled bitch or controlling, some people really are picky eaters and it's not necessarily by choice. She may not even be aware why she has such extreme aversions.
Food aversions are pretty common in people with autism, for example, because we can have sensory processing issues. Mental health issues can involve problems with food. Some people have issues because of OCD or phobias. Some people have eating disorders. Please don't be judgemental.
Being a picky eater is fine. I'm a really picky eater too. That's not the problem here. The problem is that 1. The food was cooked following her approved list, it wasn't something he knew she didn't like 2. She didn't politely refuse it, she was rude as hell about it 3. She then tried to blame OP and turn him into the villain, when he went above and beyond for her 4. From OPs post, she makes him do the cooking. If you are gonna make someone cook for you, and they correctly follow your food guidelines, then you eat the damn food. Otherwise, cook it yourself.
Being a picky eater isn't her problem. Being rude and manipulative is.
I wish I could upvote this more than once. You hit the nail right on the head. She's the asshole because of her attitude, not her aversions.
Don’t worry. I upvoted for you.
Yeah 100%. I'm a super picky eater. I basically eat pasta, pizza and chicken, and if I'm at a Mexican restaurant I'll eat chips, salsa, and tortillas. I know I will not like the food people cook for me, so I either give them VERY specific instructions on what I want so they don't fuck it up, or I just make the damn food myself. And if there's no way I can get something I like, I warn people before they start cooking that I'm not going to be eating what they cook, because I'm a picky eater, but that I mean no offense. The woman in this post seems to be very bad at communicating and very rude. Being a picky eater is fine as long as you're not an asshole.
That woman's getting a plain baked chicken breast for every meal if I had to cook for her. I'd just pop it in the oven on a baking sheet and then go about cooking my dinner, making a portion that's just enough for me.
I personally have autism, and cannot stand eggs, stir fry, pork, or meat that I didn't prepare myself, watch being prepared, or get from a place I deem safe. Food aversions aren't fun for anyone, and having them is miserable. If anyone in my family cooks eggs, I have to leave the room (and maybe even the floor depending on how much the smell spreads) to keep myself from getting sick.
It's frustrating to have someone refuse to try something, but even foods they like can be scary in different formats. For me, I love steak, carrots, and peppers, but if you made them into a stir fry, I'd become to scared to approach it. I wish it made sense to me but I panic from it. Trying it is out of the question because of how much it upsets me.
The same could go for OP's girlfriend and the fajitas. Format changes are difficult to process even if it tastes the exact same. Imagine if, from now on, all the milk you bought was green with chunks in it. Even if it tastes the same, and was perfectly safe to drink, you'd be hesitant to go for it because it doesn't fit the norm.
OP, please talk to your girlfriend and try to consider it from a few different perspectives. I highly doubt her food aversions are to control you, and more than anything, they control her.
Also, OP needs to realize that people can't expect their partner to share in all their interests and hobbies (like his cooking and liking to try new foods).
OP & partner should cook separately as they individually prefer.
Agreed, but OP's partner seems to be actively controlling those interests by limiting what they can cook. I feel like a good relationship involves supporting each others' passions, and if their fiance isn't a big fan of trying new stuff she shouldn't prevent OP from doing so.
She's not limiting OP from cooking what they like for themselves. OP doesn't have to cook for her.
So then she shouldn't let other people cook for her.
Having a disorder doesn’t excuse you from being a bitch, just saying, and the way OP’s girlfriend brushed them off was just rude.
Agree. I don't know why people are saying "Oh it's not her fault that she was the most obnoxious person in the world and completely disregarded the dinner you made her after you went through the proper steps to ensure that she'd enjoy it, YOU'RE a douchebag for making her dinner that was expected of you since you're the one in charge of the food!". Astonishing.
Being "picky" , aka a selective eater, is NOT a fucking character flaw.
Not everyone likes all foods, all hobbies, all music, all sports, etc. Food is NO different.
OP's partner should have declined his request for her to try his hobby (his cooking) gracefully and thanked him for cooking. But OP shouldn't expect his partner to try and enjoy all his hobbies with him (like cooking). Neither of them handled it well.
OP & partner should cook individually for themselves. Seriously don't understand why they haven't done that all along.
Being "picky" , aka a selective eater, is NOT a fucking character flaw.
Yes, it is.
You know there’s a difference between food that legitimately makes you sick and being a picky eater, right? The whole idea of picky eating is that you COULD eat it, but you just won’t for no good reason other than caprice/stubbornness.
Adults have the right to choose what they want to eat. That's choice, not stubbornness.
OP's fiance trying chicken fajitas is not going to save the world, make her more adult, rescue her health, save their marriage, or anything else. It's just food, something he enjoys and she doesn't. They need to find common interests to share, and leave their cooking as something they do individually for themselves.
I've bitten into textures that have made me spit everything into my plate. My family said I was being dramatic. You have no idea what it's like to be like this.
She was still rude and then manipulative as hell. All things having nothing to do with being a picky eater, but rather being a crappy person
OP said he showed her this post...
Showing someone a post with hundreds of comments of criticism, many of which involve outright abuse like “childish” “bitch” etc... to me that’s just way out of line.
I was sympathetic before but OP needs a serious dose of empathy too. He should not have taken up all the cooking. He should have just let her eat her own food.
Now I’m worried she’s going to eat when she doesn’t want to out of fear of being publicly (I mean, not quite publicly, but you know what I mean) roasted. Showing her this post was wildly inappropriate and I hope she doesn’t change because op pressures her to. She can change IF SHE WANTS, not because she’s scared of him bringing every part of her personality to be dissected on the internet.
OP has no idea how she physically feels and he’s just happily going to throw her to the masses, in hopes she will do as he wants. That’s fucked. Hopefully he just stops cooking for her and they can both eat what they want, instead of him trying to force her to change.
The post doesn't tell you if him cooking for her is his idea or her idea. I'm not a picky eater, but people get surprisingly offended when they realize that means I will happily eat the blandest food for a week at a time simply due to laziness. I just do not care about food and it's annoying when people attempt to "save me from myself."
I think this would be the most relevant information that could turn the post around.
If she wants him to cook? She’s being ungrateful and it makes sense that OP is hurt and confused. If she asked him to keep cooking, then she’s straight up an asshole and is taking advantage of him.
If he insists on cooking, even though she doesn’t really want him to, and keeps trying to make her try things, then he is an asshole.
There’s no way to tell, but I’m nervous that he’s actually constantly pushing food on her, that it’s the latter, and that he feels validated by all the comments and will now happily use all these comments in his efforts to keep trying to change her. It worries me that he showed her this post.
But who knows. Only OP and his gf knows. There are just so many comments saying outright that she is taking advantage of him... but if he decided on his own to take over cooking? And kept insisting he do it? That’s not her fault at all.
If she's this picky she should be preparing her own food. People aren't being judgemental because she's picky they're being judgemental because she's allowing OP to cook food for her that she has no intention of eating. If you know you are that restricted you should insist on preparing your own food a large amount of the time.
So, from your perspective it sound like NTA, but there’s a lot missing, and YTA if:
—Her expanded eating is something she’s doing because you’ve pressured to eat more items and she’s doing that just to make herself more “normal” for you.
—You appointed yourself in charge of dinner. Does she want to be in charge of what she eats? It sounds like it from her looking at options rather than what you prepared.
—You has any input on the “foods she won’t eat” list. My SO is a very picky eater, and if we made that list, it would be a “foods I will eat” list. Preparation matters. Sauce matters. Random ingredients she may not even know exists matter. If you had anything to do with the list, it sounds a lot like a way for you to play “gotcha” when you cook.
—You know this is a soft spot for her. Many picky eaters are very self conscious about it. Taking a thing that’s already hard for her and pushing on it is a good way to upset her.
That said, it’s probably time for important relationship talks if your the only one putting in effort here. That doesn’t mean she needs to Adapt what she eats, but if food is important to you, eating something she’s comfortable with on her own should be an option she’s willing to take. Even if that occasionally means grabbing fast food in the car on the way to a restaurant where she’s just drinking soda.
Thank you! I’ve been reading these comments like damn there is an awful lot of assuming going on here! It seems to me OP has expectations for his fiancé she is not able to meet. That’s not her fault, especially if she not asking for these things. OP doesn’t specify who made the list or whether or not she wanted dinner. I think it would be rude to push trying foods on her especially if it’s clear she has an issue with it.
I find the plating the food for her weird. Maybe it's just me. I wouldn't want someone to plate my food for me at home. I'd like to pick out what I'm eating. And while yes, I may like all the ingredients on the menu, it doesn't mean I'm going to like them when prepared a certain way.
Fruit, good. Cake, great. Fruit cake? Nasty crap
This is very insightful, I think, even if it’s not the actual dynamic in OP’s relationship.
Agreed. I HATE how picky I am and every partner I’ve had has tried to force me to eat food I hate. Dude should just cook his own food and let her cook her own, you don’t HAVE to eat together. She’s trying stuff for him that’s all you can expect. Dude is too sensitive and she’s an adult she can eat what she wants and no one is obliged to eat anyone else’s cooking.
NTA but come on:
My fiance has always been the pickiest eater
What do you expect? To change your SO and live happily ever after?
Exactly. He knows what she's like, so just accept that and don't try to force new food on her when it's obvious (from past experience) that she won't like it. Then to get upset about it? Just let her eat what she wants and don't try to force your food ideologies on her..
It complies with her list, it was an act of kindness, and she was rude by not even giving it a try.
If I were someone who liked to cook, as you do, and my partner was that picky, that would honestly be a deal breaker.
Being a picky eater does not make someone spoiled or entitled. Some people just really really struggle with food. For example, look up the eating disorder ARFID. Even if that isn't exactly what you're girlfriend has going on, it might be able to give you more insight into how serious and uncontrollable food aversions can be. I bet you she doesn't want to be this picky, and I'm guessing it is a significant struggle in her life, which is why she might be rude or have difficulty communicating about it.
I think a lot of people assume she is because most parents that I know (especially low income) nip that behavior real quick because there is nothing else to eat. You eat this or you don’t have food, that simple. Obviously cases are different for people who have ARFID, but I think a lot of the time parents just give in to whatever temper tantrum their kids are throwing. I used to hate green beans as a kid and broccoli but I still had to eat them, and at some point I just started to like them because I got used to it.
NTA. She should look into therapy. I have a friend that only ate certain things while growing up. Therapy helped him tremendously.
Do you know what kind of therapy, and how it helped him?
I had a really strong aversion / phobia of foods growing up (SED / ARFID) and tried CBT with no success. As an older teen I then tried hypnotherapy, which worked for me, but in part because I was really driven to change and try new things even though it terrified me/I gagged every time. The hypnotherapy helped me lose the fear.
My dad also has the same, and is still eating the same 6 meals he was when he was 15. He tried therapy twice (CBT and exposure, while in his 30s) but neither time did he really have a want/need to change and they weren't successful.
INFO. Have you considered asking her if she would be ok with eating whatever it is you intend to cook before you make it? It seems like this could be resolved by getting her more involved in the process of choosing and cooking dinner. My bf and I do weekly meal kits, he chooses the dishes, I cook, he cleans, it works well. Sometimes, since I get home sooner than him, he gets home and goes, “Oh, I meant to let you know earlier today that I was hoping you would make x dish instead of y dish but that’s ok I still appreciate that you made dinner, we can make y dish tomorrow instead.” And when he doesn’t pick the dishes beforehand sometimes he picks at his food even though I know he likes the overall components of the food. Food is totally a mood thing and I get it.
Tips I could give you: Plan out your week of meals in advance and let her choose the day each one is made. Give her one more options than you need (that you know she won’t try) so she can feel empowered by skipping one. Maybe she’ll even try it. Encourage her to cook and/or clean with you, even if she will only eat one thing or the other so she knows how much work went into it. Keep ingredients on hand for last-minute planned meal switches. And if she doesn’t like the menu, she can fend for herself.
NAH, someone who doesn't enjoy food isn't going to appreciate the effort of someone else making a cooked meal. It's like buying a ferrari themed calendar for someone that doesn't even like cars.
Yeah, OP shouldn't expect his partner to like his hobby of cooking & trying new foods. She's not into that hobby, he is. He can share his cooking/tasting new foods hobby with people who enjoy it. OP needs to find shared common interests to share with his partner. OP needs to not try to change who is partner is and what she likes. If she wants to eat chicken nuggets every damn day, that's her life to do so with. She can cook the nuggets, but what she eats is 100% her business. They should just cook on their own since they like different foods.
NTA but I'm prone to wonder if there's some sort of underlying eating disorder/psychological problem causing it, so be aware that it might take more than frustration to change her. Maybe therapy is an option to investigate if there's something specifically making her prone to this behaviour (ex. orthorexia)?
speaking as someone who has difficulty with a lot of foods due to oversensitivity (sensory processing disorder), many of the commenters in this thread are being really unnecessarily harsh about OP’s GF.
yes, she handled the situation really poorly, but i think it’s hard for a lot of people who haven’t experienced it to understand the fear that was going through her. rational or not, when you’ve had terrible, gag-inducing experiences with perfectly normal foods everyone else likes, especially if you were shamed or embarrassed for those experiences, it really shapes you.
every time i see a food that’s outside of my comfort zone, or a weird configuration of food i don’t recognize, i have flashbacks to getting yelled at as a kid for “being difficult”, or gagging and running away from a dining room table full of family members as my parents groan in embarrassment.
food is really scary for some people, and yes that’s something people like us need to work on constantly, but people around us often can’t/don’t try to understand.
Her behavior sounds like ARFID. If she recognizes these symptoms have that confirmed by a doctor and let him handle this problem.
If that turns out to be the case you need to realize that this is a psychological problem that causes her to physically reject certain foods. It's a bit like if a normal person would be offered uncommon food. For Western people crickets or alive squid may be good examples. Even if you've never eaten it you'll probably have a physical reflex to reject that food as soon as it's close to your mouth.
Usually ARFID patiens have a list of safe foods (which you have figured out) which can be rather strict. Ask her which of the ingredients in your food didn't match the criteria for her safe list. This can be really small things, like a pinch of salt or pepper, which you just included without even thinking about it.
This. I’ve dealt with ARFID my entire life and I can guarantee it is not a conscious decision. It’s especially hard because most people don’t see/acknowledge the difference between ARFID and just simply being a picky eater. It’s something that creates a lot of anxiety and the solution isn’t as simple as just “trying new things.” On the list of things I wish I could change about myself, dealing with ARFID is at the top, and it’s not even close. It affects me on a regular basis, both socially and physically. So with that said, I can understand how she is probably viewing the situation in her eyes. I’m sure she doesn’t have any ill intent when turning down the food.
So, I’m bordering on NAH and ESH. You’re bummed that she won’t eat your food and that sucks, I get it. She had a hissy fit when you said something about it, not the best way to go about it.
On the flip side, My partner has an eating disorder, literal gag reflex nausea inducing aversion to a hell of a lot of things. The guy literally subsists on milk, Doritos and plain spaghetti. While it upsets me that he won’t eat anything I cook, except spaghetti (without the gourmet bolognaise I learnt to make working in a restaurant) I also understand that he has a psychological condition and we are working on getting him in to see a psychologist that specialises in this type of eating disorder.
So, to summarise. If she is just a picky eater throwing a tantrum and you’re mad about her not eating something that only includes foods on the list ESH. If she has a legitimate eating disorder that gives her an aversion to something (hell, it might just be that 2 specific things on the list are ok but when combined are not ok) and you are just bummed that she’s not eating the food you prepared, even though you’re upset about it NAH.
YTA. Stop plating her food. Regardless of how picky she is, everyone has a preference on what they eat and how much they eat at any given meal. Just make the food (if you choose to do so) and let her pick out what she wants.
This is my thought. I do not like when someone plates for me. It's presumptive about what and how much I'll eat.
My wife is one if the pickiest eater by far. Just get use to it man. Dont take it personally. Doesnt really effect you negatively as long as you dont let it hurt your pride. They will always pick through that chicken and lettuce etc.
Sometime this can come from his they were raised, very poor child hoods etc. Shes not just doing it to piss you off. It's likely a very deep seeded thing that you will likely not change for a very long time if ever.
Now don't get me wrong, I think it was outstanding of you to go out of your way just to make food for her liking, and she was in the wrong for turning it down, but you have said this is happened multiple times, which indicates a lack of communication. Being an extremely picky eater myself, I do have sort of a whitelist for certain foods I'll eat, but most of the time I don't like lots of foods I normally love when they're put together, I prefer them separated about 100x more.
With this in mind, just stop making new types of food for her unless she mentions with 100% certainty that she will eat it. You shouldn't expect a very picky eater to have much leniency with what you make, and being upset when she doesn't try it.
Please, being a picky eater really isn't a bad thing (assuming it doesn't cause any actual health issues), but being in a relationship with someone that is requires clearer communication. Either that, or a reconsideration if it's even worth the trouble.
I just turned 22 and she is 21.
21 is where immaturity can still prevail. Shes acting very childish and it makes sense now. GL OP you guys are still young at least.
Don't get married yet dude. You two are so young and it sounds like you both need to work some things out.
The worrying part is that she seems to have no respect for you or any acknowledgment of a nice thing you tried to do for her out of love. Good luck.
NAH. I come from a place of pickiness as well when eating due to hypersensitivites, and I personally don't think she's trying to be malicious in any way. Does she let you cook different meals for yourself, and is it possible that she takes up cooking for herself as well? Expanding and escaping food phobias is an extremely long and difficult process.
NAH. Unpopular opinion maybe, but I think that you are definitely not in the wrong but neither is she. Maybe I am being an "arm chair therapist" or whatever but some people, especially people on the spectrum and with sensory issues are just naturally super picky. Even if none of that applies to her, I still empathize with her because trying new foods can be very intimidating and for some a gross bite will make you gag or feel sick and it just feels like it isn't worth the risk. That said, you should just stop trying and do your own thing with cooking. You enjoy your nice intricate meal and she enjoys tenders and rice!
NTA she could have at least tried it.
Wow. Um, no, def NTA. My SO also does all the cooking while I work and finish my dissertation, and I have some food restrictions, but if he forgets that onions upset my stomach I'll just quietly push them aside rather than complaining or making him feel like I don't appreciate his work. Geeze. This is a giant red flag. I agree with other commenters who recommend that you cease all cooking for her immediately.
It doesn’t sound like she’s asking you to cook for her. It sounds like she’s perfectly content to eat what she likes, even if you’re unhappy with that. It’s her body and she can be as picky as she wants. Do you know how difficult it is to change your taste buds after 20+ years of very selective eating?
And it’s not like she never tries anything, because as you’ve said she has expanded her palate a little bit. Sucks that she doesn’t like your cooking, but you’re taking it way too personally. She’s not doing it to purposefully hurt you.
Sorry but new to this. I guess ur both assholes?
My husband is a suppperrr picky eater and I love to eat. I cook dinner and in charge of the foods we eat everyday. My step son and son are not fussy eaters either.
10 years ago he was the same as he is today. Still fussy and yes we have a list of foods he doesn’t eat. we have had situations where the food is in the safe list and is not eaten.
We chose to live together for the rest of our lives so we accommodate for this. I’ve come to understand over time it is just a type of person who have enhanced smell and/or taste. Nothing to do with being spoilt. For example: my husband does not eat chicken not because it is chicken but because it sometimes has a particular smell. Now when he first mentioned it when the smell was there I couldn’t smell it. But I can sometimes see what he means but it doesn’t bother me as I’ve affiliated it with the smell of chicken. The point is I’ve spend time and effort to understand him and knowing all the small particular smells and tastes that upset his stomach. Which gives me a certain patience with the matter. It also helps with the success strike rate.
On the other hand my husband understands that I love food and cooking. For example: if I cook a specific meal for him and he has lost his appetite due to some smell/taste. He will get up and eat what he can. He may pick the food he eats but he eats as much as he can. He will smile at me and tell me he appreciates my effort. And mentions what he does like about the food- if he can find one. He slowly tastes the flavours of the sauce and let me knows he can taste this spice or herb. The effort he makes is all I need.
On the occasions he doesn’t eat he will probably get hungry later around bedtime. Where he’ll go find something to eat. I don’t worry if he doesn’t eat as he’s a grown man and most the times he makes his own food. I do sometimes get up and make him his picky food. And I do find joy in making him mean toasted sandwiches (believe me I am the toasted sandwich master). Or I try different ways to change up his all-meat-stirfry-with-rice. Sometimes it’s a hit and I’m staring at him eat like a child at a hogwarts feast- so worth it. Sometimes I’m enjoying my new creation myself (which is less and less often since my smell/taste re-education)
If u guys are determined to grow old together despite your differences. It’s time to figure out a system by talking it out! Sometimes understanding is enough. But try to take the frustration out of the process :) hope this helps.
It sounds like the solution is to completely separate your eating from one another. Do your own thing and don't even ask what they want. Let them figure it out on their own. If they have a problem with it, they are the asshole, and you probably should give yourself a little more leeway in being aggressive with them. Tough love kind of situation. If they don't and are able to make it work, then its simply a frustrating situation you'll have to get used to.
You should be cooking for the enjoyment of your partner, not you, if you're cooking for them and doing them a "favor."
You're not "dealing" with her pickiness. She likes certain things and doesn't like certain things, just like you do. If she wants to eat plain chicken every day for the rest of her life, that's her choice and her happiness.
Even if you both like cooking, maybe you should share that chore on cook on your own more.
I can't imagine a grown adult cooking for me daily, or me cooking for a grown adult daily.
If you enjoy cooking as a hobby and do it on your own, it's your hobby. Not her duty to share in all of your hobbies. If she likes ballet, does she make you dance around in ballet shoes? Same thing with cooking. If cooking is your hobby, it's your hobby. Not something to force on her.
You both are adults and can cook what you each enjoy. It's not your duty to cook all the time for her, nor is it her duty to try what you cook. Cooking is your hobby. Some people actually get ill from certain foods, flavors, textures, etc. Or just don't enjoy them-- and it's unfair to want someone who has sensory issues going on to try everything you make.
She needs to cook for yourself-- and you cook for yourself-- of what you individually enjoy.
Cooking is your hobby, she's not obligated to "try" your hobby (cooking).
Just cook separately and let her eat what she enjoys, instead of feeling pressured to try food she knows she won't enjoy. Adults rarely magically like something when you make them try it after many decades of knowing they hate that food, flavor, texture, spice, etc.
If this is such a big deal to you find someone else that appreciates your cooking or thoughtfulness in general
OP does your girlfriend only have a handful of things she eats at all? (Chicken, pasta, ‘children’s food’)
She may very well have undiagnosed ARFID - Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. It’s actually a mental illness - anxiety and a phobia, eating outside her safe foods is the equivalent of eating live spiders and worms for you. Don’t get annoyed at her for this, it’s like being annoyed at someone’s depression or PTSD.
Try not to be angry at her, if she genuinely has this then therapy might help. There’s a subreddit dedicated to it: r/ARFID