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I was screaming the house down because I was suddenly completely blind, then my grandma flung open the door and I could see her in her nightgown illuminated in the doorway..Turns out I just was used to city lights, so when I woke up in the middle of the night at her house in rural Wisconsin my eyes didn't adjust quickly enough and my 7 year old repitilain brain let loose. My cousin who was sleeping beside me still reminds me of this incident.
And I was the opposite at my Nan’s house. Really dark at home but Nan had a street light right outside the window and lit up the whole thing. She didn’t know because it was the spare room and never slept there obviously but it was so bright. Then someone drove into the pole and knocked it down and it was better.
My friends and I were hanging out in the hall way of our high school. The floors were made of concrete or something that had been worn smooth over the years. A friend of mine with a smirk dropped the banana peel from his breakfast on the ground. My other friend Steve said, "That doesn't really work in real life you know!" To which he responded, "So go ahead." My friend Steve proceeded to line himself up and then do an extremely cocky arm swinging walk and when he stepped on the banana peel his body flew forward and he was exactly parallel to the ground when he dropped on the floor hard. It was one of the funniest things I've seen in my entire life and we learned the on the right surfaces and banana peel will ruin you shit.
Banana peels are for real. . .One night I was so hungry I couldn't fall asleep, so I went to the kitchen for a snack, which turned out to be a banana. I was super tired, so I crawled into bed, ate the banana, and just threw the peel toward the trash but didn't quite make it. The next day, I forgot about the banana peel and, of course, stepped on it. I didn't quite go down, but yeah, those suckers are slippery!
I kept a very messy room as a kid. My dad came to tuck me in but didn’t turn the light on. As he went to leave he stepped in an empty plastic container which then slid across the carpet throwing him off balance, obviously tensing up to get his balance he let out this massive fart. I still cry laughing when I think about it.
We had this rather large 1970’s style step down from the dining room into the living room. One day my mom was navigating it, and let’s out this huge fart in front of my husband. She then promptly jump screams like she scared herself with the fart. My husband almost died from trying to contain his laughter.
When we’re home he sometimes mimics it when no ones looking and has a good laugh to himself.
Of all the stories I have read so far this one appeals to me the most.
When I was in an airport bathroom at about the age of four, I asked my mom if it was possible to poop out my bones. It had been such a big concern of mine, enough to bring me to tears.
I had this same fear!! It stemmed from being constipated, I was convinced Id shit out my pelvis
My brothers convinced me that I was supposed to have 3 testicles. I was 6 years old
I was watching Austin Powers when mini me throws one of those model planets and it swings down to hit dr.evil in the balls. Dr.evil counts his balls "1..2..and 3".
I laughed at that scene. My brothers thought it would be funny to convince me that you're actually supposed to have 3 balls. I was pretty fucked up for a few days until I cried and asked my mom why I only had 2 balls.
My brothers don't remember this at all. I never forgot.
My brothers don't remember this at all. I never forgot.
To them, it was just a Tuesday.
But for op it was a threesday.
Edit: Thanks for the 『GOLD EXPERIENCE』 stranger. Too bad I don't have a silver reference to surf into this comment.
This is totally insane. One of my brothers pulled the exact same shit and convinced me when I was about 7 that all boys were supposed to have 3 testicles.
I cried to my mom once about it and it is a family joke now to say "Most people have three, but I only have two" in any context involving those two numbers and ownership.
And my brother definitely remembers
I persuaded my little brother that when his penis grew large enough Dad would give him his first cock ring, because that was a father-son bonding ritual that happened for everyone when they finally became a man. I told him it was a secret though, like Santa Claus, and that he couldn’t tell anybody that I’d told him the truth. He made it to about fifteen years old before he tearfully went to my dad and asked if his penis would EVER be big enough for his very own cock ring. My dad was understandably a bit confused and there was a bit of a family row about it. I got a huge hiding for that one but it wasn’t so bad because my dad was trying not to laugh the entire time.
When my older sister and I were very young (about 4 and 8 maybe?) we and some neighborhood children were talking about which kind of “Native American” we had in us. My sister sent me to ask my mom. Well, she was in the middle of a conversation with her friends and either I thought she was talking to me or she was just being an ass, but either way the answer I got from her was ‘Lesbians’.
I ran outside and up the sidewalk and yelled “(Sister’s name), WE’RE LESBIANS!”
My family still laughs about it.
I'm in Lesbians with you.
Someone gave me a real Boomerang when I was 11 which was my favorite thing. We lived in a semi rural area so there was plenty of room to throw it around without it getting damaged or it damaging anything.
Anyway if you're really skillful with these things apparently you can get them to come back to you. I was not a good throw so I was constantly throwing running and picking it up throwing again.
One day the planets aligned I pulled my arm back and flung it as hard as I could, It was a big throw a beautiful throw I watched it go up and circle spinning spinning spinning, It circled perfectly and started heading straight back to me. I was mesmerized, It clocked me right in the nose and knocked me off my feet. I had to walk home covered in blood, mum thought it was hilarious. I don't remember ever throwing it again after that.
My family has a story that relates to this! When my big brother was also around 11 he found a boomerang in our grandparents back yard. When we got home from the trip my dad took us to our elementary schools soccer field to try it.
At this point my brother hasnt even gotten to use it once, and my dad tell us about how when you throw it it will come back to you. Well he winds up and whips it out into the forest behind the field instead of the across the giant soccer field.
We all stood their in complete silence for about a minute and when it didn't come back we all just turned with out saying a word and walked to the car and left. We didn't talk until we got home. To this day my brother and I die of laughter when we talk about the boomerang he never got to use and my dad is still embarrassed by it.
And it landed in some other grandparent's back yard starting the cycle over again.
"Ah, well, shit."
Hahahaha that fact that nobody said a word.
Dunno why but it makes me think of this time i was walking around in the woods with a slingshot. The thing was a solid piece of wood I got from Penn's Cave giftshop on a field trip. It was not practical for use, just a toy.
Anyway, I was messing around and I had the band drawn back as far as I could get it. I adjusted my thumb a bit so it didn't get smashed by the marble I was using. The slingshot flew right out of my hand and hit me in the nose so hard I fell backward. Spent about 15 minutes crying on the ground, really thankful I was alone and that nobody was around to see that.
We used to go with my dad to conferences, and other families would go along too and the whole thing would be sort of a vacation as well.
So one year my brothers and I are hanging out with our mother, and two other sets of mothers and their kids, all boys. Ages ranged from 7 to 14 or something.
So anyway, we had a boomerang..
Everyone's throwing it around and getting nowhere. We're all spread out throwing it to one another (since no one can make it come back to themselves)
So I think fuck this, I can do it, and whip the thing as hard as possible.
It sails waaaaay up into the air, in a beautiful arc. Only it doesn't come back to me
Instead it sails down, as if in slow motion, towards one of the youngest kids in our group.
He's looking at the ground, and a yell causes him to look up just in time for the rang to hit him square on the forehead.
It was a beautiful, sensational headshot.
There was blood, and he was dizzy. His older brother took off his t-shirt to wrap it arojnd his head and stop the bleeding... Then we put him in his younger brothers stroller and wheeled him away. It was like a scene from Braveheart or something.
He went to the hospital to get patched up and was fine.
My biggest regret is not yelling "BOOM HEADSHOT" immediately after the incident.
It didn't make me laugh at the time, but as an adult looking back, it cracks me and my entire family up.
My grandfather was a wonderful man. He was kind and generous and funny. His brother, my great uncle Gene, was an abusive crook who treated everyone like dirt. They died within a year of each other. At both funerals, seven year old me took the opportunity to sit next to my favorite uncle, Uncle Mel, who I rarely saw due to distance.
My grandpa's funeral was very sad. Everyone was teary. But glancing around Uncle Gene's, I noticed no one was crying, not even his wife.
"Uncle Mel," I whispered, "why isn't anyone crying?"
Trying to be a good Christian, he told me, "Because we're all glad Uncle Gene is in Heaven."
"But you cried at Grandpa's funeral."
"...Well...we miss Grandpa."
Reminds me of what my mother used to say about her mother. For context, my grandmother's health had been failing for years. Also for context, my grandmother was extremely abusive, to the point she got kicked out of the bridge club at the retirement home.
After my mother's third emergency flight to Florida, and her mother's abuse as soon as she regained consciousness, she came home saying something along the lines of, "that old woman is only still alive because God doesn't want to deal with her in heaven."
When I was little we went to McDonald’s my mom told me I could have a normal sized meal because I didn’t want to be a little kid and get a happy meal all over again.
So I look up and see that they have the ‘big and tasty’ burger, but I somehow didn’t read it at that. When I went to order I exclaimed loudly
I WANT THE BIG AND NASTY ONE MOMMY. GIMME THE BIG AND NASTY ONE.
The clerk was holding back tears and so was my mother. She then corrected me and I got my big and nasty burger in the end.
I remember being at a McDonald's with my mom and aunt, they used to have this sign that said over 80 million served, I misread it out loud as Over 80 Million Survived.
Reminds me of the time I once found the "exotic literature" section on deviantART. I was twelve years old.
Spoiler warning, it was not exotic fiction.
I, too, enjoy getting a big and nasty burger in the end
We weren’t suppose to watch tv when we got home from school, but both my parents worked so it was a rule that impossible to enforce. So whenever you heard the garage door open, signaling my mother arriving home, you had to turn off the tv and look busy. She was obviously never fooled, because she’s not an idiot.
At some point this turned into a game where my teenaged brothers would hide from her and it made my mom laugh really hard. They would shove themselves into cabinets, under beds or under desks, etc. My one brother once ‘hid’ by laying flat on the couch in front of the half wall between the kitchen and family room. She must have heard him because creeped up and peeked over out of his sight line. For some reason she was feeling punchy, so she laid down on top of the half wall and just rolled herself off the wall on top of my brother who had no idea she was there. It was the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen her do.
Same rule but we had a really old tv that had to “warm up” for 10-15 minutes after it was turned on, until then the picture was really garbled. So if my parents got home and turned on the TV and it worked we were fucked. Man I hated that TV.
My dad used to feel the tv. It was one of those big box things that got super warm after being on for a while.
We had an old TV like that in college. One night we walk in to see our roommate and his girlfriend sitting there staring at the blank screen like they were watching a fascinating program. Opposite effect of yours since it was warming up after they'd been up to the devil's business till they heard the door opening and switched on the set to cover their tracks.
Aww, your mom sounds fun. Thanks for the story!
Impossible to enforce you say? My father cut the cord to our TV and put connectors on it. At first he just hid it but after we found it a few times, he would take it with him when he left the house.
My grandma used to lock up the TV plug in a little cage so that my dad and his siblings wouldn't watch TV instead of doing homework. But my dad had a genius solution - he found a screwdriver and some other stuff that could reach through the cage bars, dismantled the TV plug, shook out all the parts through the cage bars and then reassembled everything back. (He liked to tinker around with things from a very young age and he is now working as an engineer lol go figure) He managed to do this for a long time until my grandma came home early from work one day and found everyone sitting around the TV. She was so shocked bc she had brought the cage key with her to work, lol
Side note: they never told her how they did it. My grandma only found out when my dad, now an adult, recounted this story at family dinner and told her how he did it, and we all had a good laugh about it
This one made me smile
When I was in 8th Grade, my best friend Nate and I each had our first real girlfriends and were really into this making out thing that we had just discovered. Nate’s mom was an English teacher at the school and had her own classroom. She was out for the day at a conference, so Nate had the idea to sneak out of lunch and bring our girlfriends up to his mom’s empty classroom for some tonsil hockey time. Things go as plan, we bring the girls up to his moms classroom and get to making out in opposite corners of the empty classroom. What we had somehow failed to remember was teachers have substitutes when they’re not at school. The door opens and this guy walks in, turns on the lights and is as surprised as we are and yells “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Neither Nate nor myself were used to getting in trouble, and Nate was very caught off guard and responded “ITS OKAY, I’M MY MOMS SON!” He was trying to get across that he was allowed to be there because it was his mom’s classroom, but all that came out, repeatedly, was “ITS OKAY, I’M MY MOM’S SON!”
That's hilarious. That reminds me of the time a few friends and I were cutting school. During the school day, school security and police drive around in vans picking up students who are cutting. We saw one of these vans and sprinted into an alley and into someone's yard. Except someone was out there mowing their lawn. He stopped, surprised, and looked at us. My friend blurted out, "It's ok! We're just running from the cops!"
This was a good one. Thanks for the laugh lol
ok this is the first one that actually made me laugh out loud while at work. well done good sir
I was playing basketball alone one day. Ball went right next to a guy riding a bike and so he tried to grab it for me with one hand. Well when he went to lean over, he turned the handlebar with his other hand. Went over the front of his handlebars and landed face first on the cement.
Dude was trying to do something nice for me so I had to hold back my laughter. He was fine but super embarrassed. After he left I couldn’t stop laughing.
My uncle couldn’t find the chocolate syrup in our refrigerator. It was stuck to the back of the milk. So every time he took the milk out to look behind it, the syrup would go right along with it. He started getting so frustrated and we all could see what was happening every time he did it. Now any time something goes missing in the house we ask “ did you check the back of the milk?”
Edit: There was also the time when grandma lost her marbles. She was just sitting there one day and said “ You know what I can’t seem to find? Those old marbles I use to have.” We all kind of paused and then burst out laughing.
I've got a similar one about my mom. She needed to add garlic to some dish she was preparing and we usually had one of those jars of minced garlic in the fridge. So dear mom is looking through the fridge for this garlic. She's pushing other jars aside looking in the back of the fridge. After several minutes of frustration, from being unable to find the garlic, she calls dad in from the other room to help. Dad immediately notices that she's holding the garlic in one hand while rummaging through the fridge with the other.
18 years later it remains a running joke that if you can't find something in the fridge that "it's behind the garlic".
How sticky did these containers have to be to support the weight of an entire bottle of chocolate syrup? Please tell me it was at least almost empty or something? This is the stuff of my nightmares.
I love these kinds of inside jokes, you really can't beat em
I love inside jokes. I’d love to be part of one some day.
When I was a kid my younger sister and I were over at our friend’s grandma’s house who lived up the street from us and her grandma said in a rickety old-person voice “Do you want me to cut the cheese for you, Jenna?”
My sister thought this was the funniest thing that ever happened.
When I was six, my grandpa took me into a large department store to shop for some new clothes. I was utterly bored and uninterested, and did the kid thing and hid in some clothing racks.
Well, one thing led to another, and I ended up knocking over a rack. Would have been bad enough, by itself, but the store had all of their clothes racks lined up just right to create what my immediate family calls "The Great Domino Racks" - every rack in the men's section knocks into another, and another, and another, until the whole section is in ruins.
My grandpa was so mad. I'm surprised I'm alive, today.
Looking back, I feel like it must have looked like a cartoon: a bunch of racks knocking down, and in the center of it, a scrawny little white girl with gigantic curly hair staring at her grandpa as wide-eyed as a deer.
Makes us all laugh, still.
As someone who works in retail, and has seen kids do this, everyone who worked at that store is probably still seething.
Huh, this happened once at my workplace and I thought it was hilarious. The parents helped pick things up and were mortified, hahaha.
Did the same thing as a kid, the racks were for fancy coats and were all chained together in a circle so they took forever to all fall. It was such a good hideout in the middle though.
I was helping put siding on a house. Helping as in handing tools and tacks. Up on the ladder was my mom's boyfriend. Great dude, funny, but he had this tiny mahogany hammer I'll never forget. He forgot he left it on top of the ladder, went to move it and guess what came falling? That little hammer. The sound it made when the wooden handle hit the top of his head and made the funniest "doink" sound. I still laugh about it.
Oh man, I can hear it, and it’s hilarious.
My father, who is a very mellow and mature man now, had anger issues into his 30s. He was known to sometimes throw small temper tantrums.
When I was 5, we lived in an old mobile home with horrible flooring. After he got off work, my mother asked him to take out the trash. He threw a temper tantrum, stomped and fell through the kitchen floor. My mom laughed her ass off. He became even madder and she said, "That's what you get for acting like a big baby!"
Later that night and even now, he recalls the story and laughed about it. He admits that he was a big baby back then but after that, he worked on his issues and never threw tantrums like that again. It's still hilarious though. My mom laughing at him was just icing on the cake.
How did he work through them I have those issues as well
My Dad read a million different anger management and self-help books. It helped him a lot, but I don't know how anyone can read so much of that genre. He also looked into all the religions of the world, reading holy texts and interpretations of holy texts. He's sorta-kinda Buddhist now, but it's not mutually exclusive with being an atheist Christian. Yup.
I have anger management for dummies thought I’d start off simple.
That was definitely one of the ones my dad read too. Good luck man! I dunno for who's sake you're trying to get better, but it was a huge thing for my dad and our whole family was definitely better off thanks to his effort.
Also, just in case it's relevant for you... Dad still gets mad sometimes, I mean that's just being human. He can de-escalate himself pretty well when it's stupid shit though, and control himself while mad even when there's legitimate cause. I think some people consider getting mad at all to be a failure or a step back, and that's bs. Sorry if that's coming across as lecturing, but I hope it helps :)
Try stomping on old floorboards
Get a therapist and find local support groups for anger issues.
I remember when I discovered that when I wore satin pj’s I could slide on satin bedsheets. This was so cool and fun to 10 year old me and I had to call my mum to come and watch me. She comes into the room and I run as fast as I can onto the bed and slide across it and then continue sliding off the bed and landing in the open wardrobe upside down. I was laughing and crying at the same time and I still get teased for it.
When I was about 17 and my brother was 7, I drove him to his theater practice in an old Chevy pickup that I inherited from my great grandfather.
Prior to this trip, I had convinced my brother that a car seat rat, named Pepe, lived under the bench seat. I told him this story to discourage him from dropping toys and food on the floor of the truck.
Well, as it would happen, my brother dropped some toy he was playing with on this trip, and began he to complain. I told him to reach down anyway and get the toy, to which he promptly refused and claimed that Pepe would bite his fingers if he tried. I told him that Pepe would eat his toy unless he grabbed the toy before it was too late.
My brother then slowly reached down, under the truck’s bench seat and began screaming louder than I had ever heard him scream before. I began to panic and said “what!? What’s wrong!?” And that’s when I caught a white blur in my periphery rushing toward my face, which immediately draped over the side of my head. I grabbed the object... and to my absolute horror it was a used pair of my great grandfather’s boxers. I immediately began screaming and threw them back at my brother, who continued to scream.
I demanded that my little brother put them back where he found them, and I never looked under that seat again.
I later traded in that truck when I bought my next vehicle—with my great grandfather’s used underpants still hiding under the seat. It’s someone else’s problem now.
I thought it was going to be a real rat!
If I were in OP's place, I would've honestly preferred that.
Outside doing whatever and I see my little brother coming my way. I duck into our shed so I can jump out when he comes by and scare the crap out of him. As he gets to me he sings to our dog, who was following me. "Hello Blackie How are you". I bust out in my best Eeyore singing voice, "Just Fine". My little brother was so scared\shocked his legs gave out and he just sort of slumped to the ground.
I asked my father once if he could cut the watermelon for me. He was happy to do it, he placed the watermelon on a plate with such confidence. He took a cooking knife and did this ultra-confident swing to cut the watermelon.
Instantly, the watermelon was cut in half but so was the plate. We just burst into tears! We laugh so loudly and for a long time... He was so confident about it but just completly forgot to use a wooden cutting board. Wow.
I need a knife like that
Shit like that happens. My brother used a fly swatter to kill a wasp on my mom's windshield once. Must of hit it just right some how and shattered the thing.
Wait, the fly swatter ... shattered ... the wind shield?
You should be happy that happened while the car was stopped and no one was in it.
It's Christmas Eve mass and none of us want to be there, but it's the 90s and it was that time when mom and dad had to convince themselves and us it was important to go to church. We're in the bad seats because the C&Es have showed up and squished us all out, and one of the nuns has the microphone so she could speak to the children. She asked, "what is a birthday? Do you know what a birthday is?"
And my eight year old brother grumbles to himself, "it's another year closer to death."
My mom, dad, and I have to work very hard to keep the noise down as we piss ourselves laughing. Pretty sure that's when my brother realized he was the funny one in the family.
I love this one! I’ve posted this elsewhere before, but it fits here, so I’ll paste it:
Catholic mass is the most difficult place to keep from laughing! It's so somber and formal, but I've had to get up and go to the bathroom to regain my composure like, many, many times. Something funny always happens.
My top 3 are all butt-related:
Some fat guy's plumber's crack every time we'd stand up (a lot of up and down in Catholic mass). It was bad, like 3-4 inches of crack. His pants were way too big to wear with no belt.
Once I farted and it echoed against the wooden pew during a quiet, reflective moment. "Let us pray." HONK. I didn't even feel it coming.
Another time a guy in front of us was trying to be well-dressed, but he had the worst wedgie I'd ever seen! The fabric of his khakis was gathered up the full length of his ass crack, deeply. My brother whispers to me, "They'd need the jaws of life to get that out." Lost it completely.
I had a big old afro when I was a teenager.
One day, my buddy and I were out for a bike ride in some posh neighborhood, and some girl across the street also on a bike is just staring slack-jawed at my hair.
She rode right into a telephone pole.
When I was a kid in Kansas, we tied a rope between a bigger and smaller tree and would use it as a makeshift zipline. It was super fun. We used this piece of metal we found that was like a really shallow V shape so we could hold on the edges, and the rope would sit in the angle in the middle.
My neighbor Jason was giving the zipline a go one time and about halfway through he lost his grip and biffed it in a spectacular manner in the grass. As he was laying there groaning and the rest of us were laughing hysterically, out of the sky, the metal V that had been flung into the air landed squarely on his dingus. I laughed so hard I almost fainted from not being able to breathe.
I was biking home from middle school football practice with a friend who was new to the city and was showing him where I lived. He was lived another block up and a few over so I gave him a shout that this was it and turn off the street and up a driveway.
He coasted along to get a good look at the house and slammed into my neighbor's parked car and was sprawled over the trunk.
He wasnt hurt and his bike still made it home OK but every time I think of the sound of his bike hitting the bumper I laugh hard
LMAO for some reason, I imagined this scenario in an Ed Edd N Eddy style cartoon.
My youngest brother would get to sound barrier speeds sliding down the 2nd story carpeted stairs as an infant in his little footed pajamas.
I used to get home from the bus stop about 15-20 minutes before my dad. We had snow piled up almost to the top of our wooden fence (Minnesota, typical) so I decided I wanted to play on it. I ended up slipping and one of the fence posts got caught under my coat and left me dangling. I tried so hard to stand up but couldn’t catch any grip. When my dad came home, there was his daughter just hanging out, tired and defeated, patiently waiting for his help.
Grandma made pancakes for my little cousin- probably around 6 at the time.
Cousin says “what kind of piece crap pancakes are these?”
Its 2004 im 10 years old my brother is 6, we are home alone , im watching some boring thing on nat geo, i decide to go to the corner store to buy bacon and eggs to make breakfast, i have a 15 minute discussion w my little bro telling him how he WILL NOT go outside when im gone under NO circumstance, not to answer door, etc, but most importantly to NOT GO OUTSIDE WHILE IM gone. Start making my way to corner store walking (about 6 min walk) halfway notice my brother jogging towards me, im like wtf did i tell you, he says : "can i change the channel its boring". Thinking of that simple momemt always minimally puts smile on my face.
I have a family member who was told to stay home by her father and to not answer the door before he left.
The doorbell rings a minute later, family member opens door, it's her father and he yells at her, "I told you not to answer the door!"
10 years old trick or treating in town on Halloween night with two friends. My one friend happy as ever is swinging his candy bag as he crosses the street. It sufdenly bursts from the bottom, scattering his precious candy all over the road. His demeanor immediately changes from joyfulness to extreme terror. My other friend unleashes his max-volume, contagious Joker-like laugh causing me to laugh so hard I collapsed to the ground. Simultaneously a car turns onto the road as if to threaten the possibility of salvaging the candy. Candy explosion friend starts screaming, "HELP ME!" as hes desperately trying to scoop the candy to safety with the full length of his arms. I'm laughing so hard I literally had to crawl to the sidewalk.
I was making macaroni and cheese once and I hear my mom running and yelling something to my dad who was outside. I turned around just in time to see her bounce off the screen door. She ran right into it and flew backwards. She had all these smudges on her face and she looked so bewildered .....20 years later and it still cracks me up.
My baby sister did something similar. My parents, brother, and 2 sisters were at Disneyland. The youngest refused to walk anywhere, and she was running into a store. Problem was, the door to the store was solid glass, and closed. She nearly broke her face (she was like 4). The next day, they were etching Mickey heads into the glass. To this day, any fully glass door at Disneyland or Disney World has Mickey heads etched in them, and my sister is the reason why.
OK. so I did this at Disney World! We were at EPCOT and I was running after my sister. She passes through the automatic doors and just as I get to them I SLAM into them, literally knocking them off track. I was terrified. We scattered and watched as an employee came over and just... pushed them back into place.
Yeah. They actually are designed to be swung open in emergencies so that people can get out faster.
I saw something similar happen at a restaurant, but I was a grown adult. A lady walked straight into a glass door and her makeup left an imprint on the glass. I tried really hard not to laugh when it happened, but I died laughing when we walked out and I saw the outline of her cheek/mouth still imprinted in the door as we were leaving.
This happened to me once. My family was staying at a hotel in myrtle beach, my brother was chasing me around the hotel, I went to run outside onto the balcony and bounced a good three feet back onto my ass. My brother fell on the floor laughing.
My uncle had a blood phobia with his own blood. One Thanksgiving morning, he cuts himself making a bagel, faints, and the paramedics have to come out.
About four hours later he takes off the bandaid while washing his hands and reopens the wound. And down he went again. Same paramedic team comes to check him out, and give my family the filthiest looks because at this point we are all watching, my dad is filming, my mom and aunt are in near tears of laughter.
Anyway, that is how he got out in charge of only deep frying the turkey.
Edit: I lied. This isn’t the funniest thing that happened. When I was 11 we went to a nature preserve and my dad tried to feed a giraffe out of our sunroof. The giraffe was stood in front of the car, so he couldn’t escape when it started to drool on him. This was big, vicious, slow moving drool.
He was squealing and carrying on, making dolphin noises, trying to squirm out of the way, desperately trying to save his tie and suit jacket, while the drool just slowly descended onto him while my mom and I just lost our shit. I cannot tell this story in person- I will still nearly start crying 20 years on and no one believes it anyway.
Why didn't he close the sun roof, Nd why do you deep-fry the turkey?!
My cousin had really bad adhd as a kid, and we went on a family vacation to Disney World. We were in line for the Flying Dumbo ride, and he ran through the line before it stopped and Dumbos ear hit him right in the eye.
After Disney World, we went on a cruise in the big red boat. Took a family picture together. There’s a family photo with us, and I’m scowling because I had to wear socks with my dress shoes, and my cousin has a huge black eye. It was great.
This sounds like one of those photos where the adults are initially super pissed that "We can't even have one nice, happy family photo," but in the end, it's really a way better memory and more fun to hang up.
I had add pretty bad as a kid, ended up seeing an adhd specialist. I live in a remote place so a lot of the specialists fly in once a month for a day or so, use a temp office then leave again.
Turns out the adhd specialist really was. My parents left me with the guy for an hour, and he couldn't stay still. We started walking the halls while we talked, then we found an elevator. We ended up in the hospital attic, where he found a football left over from a fundraiser, so he just had to go outside to play with it. We end up wandering off down a trail into so woods behind the hospital over to the sledding hill, and got kind of lost.
Fortunately, my house is nearby, and we were right by the local sledding hill, so i ended up taking the doctor to my house so he could get a ride back to the hospital. My dad thought it was hilarious. My mom, who had been searching the hospital for me for an hour by then did not.
Seeing my stepfather fall two stories and land on a sawhorse was hilarious.
I was about 10 and my stepfather and I were putting a roof on a shed we'd built. We had just finished tacking down tarpaper and were finishing nailing it into place. I was on a ladder nailing along the lower edge and he was on the roof leaning over the peak of the roof nailing it down. We noticed storm clouds so we started hurrying so the tarpaper didn't get blown off. As my stepfather was making his way across the peak of the roof he started situating himself farther and farther down the roof so he could nail two rows, to the point that he was basically using his kneecaps against the peak to keep from sliding off the roof.
Right around the middle of the roof he went to slide over and reposition himself and when he put all his weight on his left hand it went through the tarpaper into a void and he started sliding down the roof while yelling "AAAAOOOAAAAOOO". It was at that moment that I remembered (and I'm sure he did too) that we had tarpapered over an open skylight. The skylight was directly under where two sheets of tarpaper met so he's not tearing through it, he's just sliding into this void, still going "AAAAOOOAAAAOOO" the whole way. The last part of him I saw was his boots and the tarpaper just kind of closed up behind them. I was just standing at the top of the ladder with a hammer in my hand dumbfounded by seeing him disappear like that. A fraction of a second after his boots disappeared I saw him flash past a window in the wall just below me, still going "AAAAOOOAAAAOOO"...and that was fucking hilarious. It was his yelling that just tickled some primordial funnybone. It was loud as he was sliding into the hole "AAAAOOOAAAAOOO", then it was quieter "aaaaoooaaaaooo", then as he flew past the window it was loud again "AAAAOOOAAAAOOO" and then a loud THUD and the sound of wood splintering. I'm half hysterically laughing and half terrified that he's dead as I frantically climb down the ladder and run into the shed. Luckily, he landed on his back on a sawhorse which he completely flattened, all four legs just splayed out and the whole thing formed a big "I" on the floor of the shed. Still kind of panic-laughing I asked him if he was ok and he's laying there moaning "I can't see, I can't see, I can't see". I'm a kid so I don't know what the fuck to do so I yell "OHMYGOD ARE YOU BLIND!?!!" thinking he'd hit his head hard enough to cause brain damage. He puts his hands up to his face and feels his glasses and we realize that he hit his head so hard that the lenses popped out the frames but the frames stayed on his head. That was also hilarious.
My mom was really confused when I ran into the house hyperventilating-giggling-screaming that she need to come outside and help him.
EDIT: Because everyone likes the "AAAAOOOAAAAOOO" part and is speculating on what it sounded like- my stepfather had a pretty deep voice and as he started to slide it was like he was saying "uhhhh", "ahhh", and "ohhh" all at the same time, with a panicked wavering between all three syllables. It started out low volume and low pitch, like your indoor voice, quickly getting louder, more panicked and wavering and turning into a full on yell by the time he was shoulder deep into the hole.
Also, thank you to whoever gave me gold and silver. I'm like internet-legally required to say that, right?
This is hysterical. I’m crying I’m laughing so hard. “OH MY GOD ARE YOU BLIND!?!!”
Honestly, the AOOOOAAAOOO got me so good I’m giggling like a maniac in bed right now....
Same here 😂
So, the man had an emergency, and thought he'd summon help by becoming an ambulance siren?
Oh my god it’s been 5 minutes and I’m still chuckling to myself. Thank you so much for sharing this
I started laughing so hard in the middle of this story that I had trouble finishing it because I couldn't see from the tears
Is there any way you can post a recording of you yelling “AAAAOOOAAAAOOOAAAAOOO” because I need to audibly hear it to be able to process the change in volume as he flew past the window. Are the OOO bits long as in “goo” or short as in “blow?”
I imagine it sounds like the flying dutchman from spongebob.
Dad used to sit on a tiny plastic chair to brush my sister’s and my teeth. One night, while aimlessly brushing my sister’s teeth, he lets one rip so loudly and harshly that it cracks the plastic chair in half making him sprawl backwards. My sister and I still occasionally bring it up to embarrass him if he’s making fun of us. Love you Dad but your farts are deadly.
It was when I was a teenager, actually. I worked at a stable, and I went to dismount my mare, only I was being tricky and instead of swinging my leg over her back end, I swung it over her neck and then was going to jump down. But somehow the saddle horn went in the pocket of my down vest. I was basically dangling from the saddle horn while my horse was wandering around the barn looking for snacks.
I got my butt stuck in a dining room chair. I was a small child and slipped my legs through the back rung trying to be funny. I ended up getting stuck and not being able to get out. My dad ended up having to saw the bottom rung off, I was worried he was going to saw my butt off. He put it back and you were never able to tell which chair it happened to, but left me with a story that they won't let me live down.
My sister figured out she was a lesbian around the age of 12. After that self realization she became very openly lesbian, like the gayest gay you ever did see (which is brave for Georgia but just wait). That year at thanksgiving my grandparents from Derby (yes Derby) Kansas were in town. Following the annual tradition my family went around the thanksgiving table saying things we were thankful for (our health, food, stuff like that) and then comes my sisters turn and in front of both my grandparents she proudly proclaims, “I AM THANKFUL FOR BIG BOOBS.” I almost choked on my cider.
"I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies."
Yes... she's built like a steakhouse but handles like a bistro.
If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos with fall like a house of cards...checkmate
“If I said you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little?”
I don’t know why your post made me think of this, but my sister (maybe twelve at the time) once announced at family dinner in a restaurant that she wanted to be as famous as Monica Lewinski. Not only did all of our jaws drop, but diners at another table obviously heard her and gave my mom some questionable looks.
Maybe this story fits here: When I was 11, I was eating a nice dinner with my family. We were passing the food around and putting it on our plates. When the cole slaw got to me, there was something about the texture that reminded me of a movie where they throw food on people’s plates. So I took a big spoonful and slapped it on my plate while yelling “Give me some more god damned slop!” My older brother almost fell out of his chair laughing while my mom yelled at me “We don’t use that language! Why did you say that?!” I didn’t think ‘god-damn’ was much worse than ‘god’ or ‘damn’ separately, but I guess when you put them together...and she didn’t like me calling her food ‘slop’.
My extended family did a big Thanksgiving dinner together around the time The Walking Dead was really popular. As we were going around the table sharing things we we're all thankful for one of my aunt's said she was thankful for Daryll Dixon. That triggered a chain of other family members saying what Walking Dead things they were thankful for, until it got to my other aunt. She said something sweet about family and us being together. Everyone was really quiet for a moment, and all of a sudden my cousins boyfriend blurted out "What the fuck does that have to do with the Walking Dead?" It was absolutely hilarious.
When I was 12 my mom took me and two friends out to the small local year round park type thing for my birthday. They had rides and a huge Imax theater. We had gone to lunch at a local pizza place and were walking back to the amusement park and I was holding a small pizza box with my pizza leftovers. While walking, I was trying to talk my friend into going on a specific ride with me. I was explaining that the only feeling you get is the centrifugal force and a small jerk to the side. I mimicked this motion and the pizza box flew out of my hands and hit some innocent business looking man. The look of pure horror on his face after getting pelted with pizza by a random 12 year old makes me laugh every single time.
My brother is autistic and had a lot of routines that were very important to him. One was that after school every day, he would take his watch in one hand and his favorite box fan in the other and go out to my mom's car and sit in the car in the garage with those two items for like 20 minutes. She was usually home at that hour so he had regular access to the vehicle. But at some point, I got older and she was comfortable leaving him home with me babysitting. The first day she left him with me after school, he went out to the garage to do his routine and the car wasn't there. He had no idea what to do and just stood there, staring at the empty bay. After like 2 minutes of silence, he said "What am I going to do now?" I left him to figure it out on his own and when I returned 5 minutes later, he was sitting on a folding chair on the garage floor where the car used to be with his fan and his watch. Good enough, I guess!
Another time, I was sitting there doing my homework, minding my own business and he just walked up and put his mouth onto the side of my head. I'm like wtf and he replied very calmly: "I'm eating your hair." Like it was a completely normal thing to say. lmao
Alright so we visit the ruins of Ephesos as a family of four, me (18), dad, mom, younger brother (12). For the uninitated, Ephesos lies about twenty miles to the nearest settlement, and lied more than a hundred than the closest person that we know (it was a cross-country trip). It was late autumn, cold but not terribly so. We all wore hoodies and such.
So anyway, we get out of the car, lock it, take a few leisurely hours going up and down to inspect the ruins and gawk at the other tourists and such. It's afternoon then, and getting colder, we arrive at our car and the keys are fucking gone.
At that point, only Dad had a license so it was his sole responsibility as a driver. He starts digging through his pockets like he's digging for oil, Mom is rolling her eyes at 60mph and my brother is looking around panicked. Everybody does a thorough chech; nothing. We check near the car and peek inside it to see if Dad forgot it in ignition or something, nothing. We check the doors, nothing.
Well we're pretty much fucked in the middle of nowhere if we don't find the keys, so we set out searching. The first obstacle is the clerk at the gate, dude refuses to admit us again without a tickets (and money was always tight). With our familial charm we manage to get our message across, but he says he'll only admit one of us inside. Naturally this is me.
So imagine this hilariously out-of-place tourist running around ancient greek columns like his life depends on it, while it's getting darker and darker and I'm looking for a black leather key pouch... I check everywhere I can but it still takes about an hour afoot and by the end I had that feeling in your lungs that lets you know you've just caught a nasty cold.
Defeated, I return near the clerk to see Mom, Dad and lil bro just chilling near with the museum employees drinking tea. Discomforted at their apparent comfort, I inform them that I have failed to retrieve the blessed key. Their faces drop, which satisfied me briefly.
And just then, a stray cat (there were a lot) brushed against my brother's leg, and he leans down to pet it... 'pat' drops a black shape on the ground, which startles the cat and sends it running. THE FUCKING KEY.
We all got that unforgettable 'what-the-fuck' look, and my brother even checked the sky above to see if someone dropped it. But no, it turns out that my Dad put the key on MY BROTHER'S OPEN COWL as he locked the car then FORGOT ENTIRELY ABOUT IT.
We all slowly turned our heads to Dad as he picked the key gingerly up from the ground, then collectively started giving shit about him the entire trip forwards. This happened a decade ago, and he's still hearing about this to the day, with ''Yo, did you check [insert little brother's name] cowl?'' being a family meme.
This one reminds me of the time we were at a park and my dad and I walked waaaaaay down the river to a bridge, crossed and walked back up. We see my mum with the baby, who stayed on the other side and she yells and gestures across the river, "COME. BACK. WE. NEED. THE. CAR. KEYS!" This river is really wide, like not even Ohtani could even throw across it, but my dad inexplicably just goes for it without a second of hesitation. Of course the keys don't even make it halfway across, mum is SO MAD, days before cellphones so getting help is a massive hassle. But my brothers and I cannot stop laughing.
And that isn't even the only time he did that. You can't ask him to give you something that is glass because you never know if he'll just toss it at you. He also absent-mindedly threw my sister's boots into a river. She'd taken them off, waded across, and wanted him to bring them with him. He just...tossed them in.
The power of yeet compelled him.
I am and was quite fat, on a family trip, we went to a historic town in my country and we saw some nice totems, one of them was in the middle of the street and my mom wanted to take a picture with me and said totem. The totem was a short, chubby grey one and I was wearing a grey T-shirt, when my mom revealed the picture (this was before digital cameras) it looked like my lost twin. My brother lost his breath when he saw it.
E: Dammit! I woke up and find this! Sorry, I don’t know how to use Imgur. (;_;)
Yeah I'm with these guys...gonna need to see that lol
My best friend and I were camping back when we were around 14-15 and we spotted the shadow of this HUGE bug on the ceiling of our tent that freaked us out. So we were laying on our sleeping bags throwing things at the roof of the tent trying to get it to go away and it would fly off and then return shortly. What really freaked us out was when it looked like it was crawling toward a hole that would allow it inside the tent and we did NOT want that happening. This went on for a good 10 minutes, and there was lots of girl screaming and hitting the sides of the tent, when suddenly we noticed a tiny moth flying in our tent. It landed on the flashlight we had set up in the tent for light, and its shadow was projected on the tent ceiling...oh my god! The gigantic bug we’d been screaming about for 10 minutes was actually a teeny tiny moth. We both felt so ridiculous! I’ve never laughed so hard and we still laugh about it to this day
Went with my dad to the local U-Haul store to pick up a trailer we had reserved 2 weeks beforehand. We were moving my older brother across the state 5 hours for college. The manager couldn’t find the reservation for 30 minutes. Every minute my dad’s face got redder. He finally finds the reservation, but doesn’t have a truck. Acts like he could care less as my dad goes full tomato. They start arguing back and forth, the manager tells my dad to call the other U-Hauls in town to see if they have a truck instead of doing this himself. My dad shouts “Get in the car girls!” So my sister and I run to the car and buckle up, my dad storms to the car, and the manager comes out to yell something to my dad, but before he can my dad rolls down the window as we are pulling away and yells “If I wanted to listen to an asshole... I’d fart!” And rolls up the window. My sister and I made it about a half mile, out of sheer terror, before we exploded with laughter. My dad was now only a shade of pink, and started laughing too. We laughed like maniacs, all the tension and disappointment just released. By the time we got home we were in hysterics and could barely tell my mom we couldn’t rent a trailer. She thought we had lost our minds.
As a kid I loved canned black olives. We didn't have them very often and with a large family if you weren't there when the can was opened it usually meant you weren't going to get any. I told you that to tell you this:
I had an uncle who survived the Bataan Death March only to lose a leg after he came back stateside. Not sure how he lost the leg I think he was doing maintenance on something and it blew up. Well, his wooden leg did not bend so when he drove he had to put his leg in the trunk and retrieve it when he got out of the car. One day I was playing in the front yard when he pulled in the driveway. I met him at the back of the car where he was opening the trunk to retrieve his leg. I said hello and as he removed the leg from the trunk I couldn't believe my eyes. He had BAGS of black olives. I could hardly contain my excitement! I asked if I could have some, he smiled and said 'Suuure'. I grabbed a couple and popped them into my mouth.
Aaaaaaaghhhh. Ack! With my mouth agape and filled with bitter olive juice I didn't quite know what to do. These did not taste like the black olives in the can. Desperately trying to rid my mouth of this awful taste I ran for the hose to get a drink. Meanwhile my uncle was laughing so hard he was hopping down the driveway on his good leg, holding his wooden leg and trying not to fall over. I looked over at him laughing and hopping and I started laughing too. I was too young to know that the black olives in the grocery bags would need to be cured before they were to be eaten. Edit: fixed punctuation because I couldn't write this without laughing- again.
When I was growing up, it was rare to have snacks in the house. I assumed it was because we were a very health-conscious household but really we were just kinda poor lol. Anyway, my cousin by contrast, had a super rich family with a big walk-in pantry lined with all kinds of cereals, candy, chips, etc. It was amazing. I coveted any snacks I could ever get my hands on, so going over to my cousin's house was always a treat(pun intended).
One time when I went over, I had asked my uncle if I could have some snacks for the tenth time when he kinda snapped and said "YES. YOU CAN HAVE SNACKS. You don't have to ask." So I got a bit more, but being a nervous and polite kid, I felt bad. So next time, I snuck into the pantry and just stayed there to avoid doing repeat visits. They had a box of those sunflower seeds covered in chocolate. Like M&M's but way better. That shit was amazing. Anyway, I was crouched in there eating those saucy motherfuckers for a while when my uncle opened the pantry door startled to see me hunched over in the corner like a giant rat eating their snacks.
He stood there kinda confused and surprised, and we made eye contact briefly before I just waddled past him like nothing happened and went back upstairs to be with my cousin.
He never brought it up or anything, but I cringe every time I remember it.
I'm an adult now but I've had my share of snack-binging since I've had my own income, and now I don't buy them out of financial conscientiousness.
There was also the time my family and I went to some museum when I was also a kid, and there was a giant polar bear statue standing on its hind legs with its arms reaching outward. I had the bright idea of "I need those claws to brush my hair." So did that. Didn't really brush through though. So I was standing there mimicking the posture of the polar bear, who now appeared to be mauling a tiny little girl screaming and reaching for her family who'd already walked way ahead, while other parents and their kids stared.
TL;DR: I would do anything for chocolate covered sunflower seeds & don't brush your hair with a polar bear's claws.
EDIT: I just realized I've never bought chocolate sunflower seeds for myself(apparently they're called sunbursts???) and have always just thought of them as "that snack I used to love growing up".
I just ordered a two pound bag to relive my childhood.
My dad sat me down to talk about the divorce. We were outside and sitting in the curb. As we’re having this serious discussion, I notice my dad has sat on a fire ant hill. I try to tell him, but he insists that I wait while he says what he needs to say. About 3 seconds later, his eyes light up as the ant begin to bite. At this point I should mention that he was wearing a pair of all white shorts, so we could clearly see this massive amount of ants all over him. My dad leaps about 6 feet into the air and rips his shorts off in the middle of the street as cars and people were passing by. I learned dad like to free ball from time to time that day. I’m hyperventilating from laughing so hard. After ridding himself of the invaders, he actually has the audacity to ask me why I didn’t tell him.
He still hates when I bring up this story
My family and I had gone to a restaurant for dinner. I can’t remember how old I was, but I was still at that age where my parents would order my food for me and ask for refills. Anyway, I was drinking root beer and I needed a refill. Next time the waiter came by my dad goes “can she have some more roast beef?” Now we were at a seafood restaurant so roast beef isn’t even on the menu. After a confused look from the waiter my dad goes “oh I mean root beer.” To this day I can’t tell the story without crying from laughing so hard.
This is only mildly related. One time my mom, brother and me went to Waffle House and my brother ordered a hamburger plain and the waitress said “One burger, hold the garden”. Another time we went to Texas Roadhouse and my brother ordered “Burger, hold the garden”. I’ve never seen a waitress look so confused in my life. He was so embarrassed. He said “Plain please. I was not aware that was only a Waffle House thing” and I laugh tears every time I think about it
Friend of mine got a burger somewhere and it came with all the veggies kind of next to it on the plate, with the bun on top of the veggies. My friend starts putting his burger together and is just amazed at the amount of plant matter, he says “wow, hey man do you want my salad?”
For some reason this was the funniest thing in the world to me at that moment. I laughed till I cried, and I still don’t know why it was so funny.
Flipping sleeping bags so our heads were in the feet area. We would commence attacking each other and call it slug wars. Once, we all stopped except for one kid who was attacking an ottoman with his full strength. Still laughing to this day.
Channukah when I was probably about 12. The family custom was my Mom made the matzo balls for the matzo-ball soup and my Bubbie made the broth. We’re all at the table and my Uncle serves the first bowl to my Bubbie who loudly exclaims, “Lee, your balls are beautiful!” Needless to say we all lost it, the quote lives on in infamy.
My parents have always bickered about totally mundane things. One night they were arguing about whatever stupid thing it was and my mom yelled at my dad for eating my Halloween candy. I don’t remember the context of why that was a big deal to her. Anyway, my dad straight up denies it and argues for a bit before my mom leaves the room. Not even 30 seconds later, he asks my brother if he wants a piece of my candy. He wasn’t trying to be sneaky. He just literally didn’t even process what he was doing or that he was proving my mother’s point. I don’t know why, but that was the funniest thing to my young self and I burst out laughing. He had no clue what was so funny which made it even funnier.
My brothers woke up early Easter morning and looked out the window in excitement, wondering if the Easter Bunny had hidden any eggs outside yet. What they see is our dad, barefoot, in tighty whities, with a coffee in one hand and carton of eggs in the other, running around the yard and squatting to hide eggs. They cried... a lot.
My dad worked nights. So he was sleeping when we girls got up at 6 am. There was a mouse in my room. I screamed. My sisters started screaming. Mom started yelling at us to stop screaming because dad is sleeping! Dad woke up. He marched downstairs in his briefs, we NEVER saw dad in his underwear. He and my mom are prude about that. He also had the walking farts. So we’re already eyeballing each other and trying not to laugh. He tore my room apart in nothing but his undies, grumbling and tooting the whole time. Caught the mouse. Literally, he caught the fucker. Then he called me a son of a bitch (I’m a GIRL!) and went back to bed. We’re all around 40 and still laugh SO HARD we cry every time. All I have to say is “remember that time dad called me a son of a bitch?”
So in kindergarten, we had a lady come in to teach us about stranger danger. One of her questions was “what should you do when a stranger comes to the door?”
I thought very seriously about this, then announced, “Paint the windows black.”
Just what the fuck, lunalives. What a great way to make the neighbors think your parents lead a cult. The poor UPS man as a tiny child blacks out the windows while making dominant eye contact. That poor instructor probably needed a drink after that.
Not quite childhood but Im gonna tell it anyway.
We had to do a video presentation on a past mathematician at school, and one guys video was simply a screen recording of a powerpoint presentation he had made, with possibly the most amount of effort I’ve ever seen put into making it seem like you put no effort into something..
Every slide was filled top to bottom with around 100-200 words, and in the background was ACDC singing Back in Black to the tune of Thomas the Tank Engine (link below ffs check it out 😂), AND between every slide was DJ Khaled saying
and another one
The video went for about 10 mins and it was the greatest piece of shit video I’ve seen in my entire life. To this day I piss myself at the thought.
Heres a link to the song Im talking about: https://youtu.be/Ofy-BgRzLQg
And heres a link to the DJ Im on about: https://youtu.be/09B49YogI4M
Edit 1: To all you guys laughing at that song, every now and then pause it for 2 seconds, say out loud “And another one”, and then continue the video. Do that for 10-11 mins and you have the whole thing 🤣🤣🤣
Edit 2: Holy fuck knuckles my first medal! Thanks!! 👌🏼
That song version is pure fucking insanity
i’ve never wanted to witness something so bad 😂 you’re blessed to have watched that
That song is absolute peak internet
I ate a cheeseburger out of a dumpster. My mom loved to tell my girlfriends that story. It didn’t used to be funny, but it’s hilarious now.
I fell asleep on my hand
Basically, I really passed out one night and slept on my hand to the point it was a 'dead' arm... and I woke up to it literally laying lifeless next to me.
So, half asleep, I am sitting there and start trying to shake it to get the nerves to work...pins and needles and all that.
In my haste, I kinda swung it too hard and accidently let go...gravity kinda took over and swung it back to the point of slapping myself so hard I tumbled out of bed.
Of course, Murphys Law dictated my mom passing by my room at the time so that she heard me yelp and crash to the ground. Being half asleep and now 'stunned'...I answered my Mom truthfully when she walked in and asked what the hell was that racket with:
"My arm was asleep and I let go shaking it awake and slapped the shit out of myself!"
25 years later and my mom still lets me know "Hey remember when your dumb ass slapped yourself out of bed?"
She may put it on my tombstone if I cack before her...
I was 5, my sister was 3. We grabbed a bottle of honey and crawled under the dining room table, where we started pouring honey into our little Tupperware cups and drinking it. We kept pouring and drinking honey and laughing until our throats were sore!
When Jack In The Box was giving out antennae balls we went through the drive through in our van. Upon pulling up to the window, my Mom asked the male employee “Do you have any balls?” His expression, my Mom’s reaction and a can full of kids laughing is something I still laugh about.
One night my mom came into my room and crawled over me to lay in bed next to me. At the time, my comforter was silky and so were her pajamas. As soon as she made contact with the comforter, she slid across the bed and landed between the bed and the wall. We were both laughing so hard we couldn’t get her unstuck. The next day at school, I would randomly start laughing in class when I thought about this. My mom passed away 6 years ago, and this is one of my favorite memories I have of her.
A bit late, and this is kinda horrible. So be warned.
You know Bodies by Drowning Pool? The intro... we all know it. So picture Southern Baptist youth group, circa 2008. There was a intellectually challenged girl sitting behind me who had a history of outbursts. It was all good, she was actually pretty nice.
Anyways, I hear her start whispering... “let the bodies hit the floor let the bodies hit the floor let the bodies hit the floor Let the bodies hit the...” and I had about half a second to realize that
A) youth group was gonna be interesting for once
B)this nineteen year old girl was about to scream-
The entire room jumped. It was amazing. I am convinced to this day that I am the only person that knows what led to that scream. But I will go to my grave laughing at that memory.
My brother, cousin and I were riding in my Grandma’s Lebaron. She pulls into the McDonald’s drive thru and we’re grabbing lunch. She asks the three of us what we want. We all say we want “Martinis!” So without missing a beat, my Grandma yells into the box, “Yes I’d like 3 martinis” before she even knew what she was saying. Tears when we pulled up to the window. 25 years later that shit still makes me cry laughing.
This isn’t exactly my story but it happened to me.
My older brother (who is 15 years older than me) used to spoonfeed me salsa when i was about three(ish) years old. It was mild, so it didn’t hurt hurt me or anything. Every time he would do it I would ask “is it salsa???” and he’d tell me it wasn’t, and I believed him Every. Single. Time. Apparently I’d get super pissed off at him and threaten to “tattle” on him. When my sister told me this story I couldn’t stop laughing.
My best friends father passed away and her mom moved a bunch of stuff in to her house. This is how she ended up with two box springs and three mattresses on her bed frame.
My friend, my sister and I are doing the typical tween/teen sleep over with soda and chips. My sister is in the door way on her way to the bathroom when I ask my friend for some chips. Friend leans over to the bed side table, sister turns around thinking she'll just grab them since she was already up. So, sister has full view of part a.
Part A: friend's hair gets caught in lamp shade. She is unable to fix this issue due to awkward height/ positioning. My sister is in stitches over this because friend starts to panic as she starts sliding off the mattresses.
My sister could not see part B because of the height of the mattresses.
Part B: in her panic, friend somehow locks her thighs around my head (I was laying down) in an attempt to not fall off the mattresses. We're all laughing/ screaming, I'm clawing at these legs of doom, and my sister sees me flailing. (I have to note my friend is obese and I am a twig.) Friend is laughing so hard, she starts farting uncontrollably...
Well, my sister was on her way to the bathroom (all that soda) and is now immobilized from laughter. "I'm peeing my pants!" She screams, and I'm laughing/ freaking out still in this wrestler's hold getting my face farted on, and yell, "I'm gonna pee my pants, too!" and I do, but then friend says she's going to pee her pants as well...
That's when I got out of the death grip of leg beef and friend fell and yeah, we all peed our pants...
It never fails to make us laugh but the story never seems to translate well in the retelling. I can't help but tell it anyway. You don't get that level of laughter after a while, it's like you're imagination... only booze and drugs can get you close to levels of moments like that.
We all had to bring a recorder instrument to class during the fourth grade since it was in our music curriculum to learn how to play the recorder.
One kid in our class pulled out a voice recorder and was the only one with an actual voice recorder while everyone had their little recorder flute lol. The look on his face was priceless when he realized his mistake! I felt bad for his parents who must've spent a lot of money for it (circa 2005).
Was in Walmart with the family and we were cutting through the clothing section when my normally very poised grandma slipped on a grape. She did the most cartoonish split and flailing arm maneuver but managed not to fall, we had to help lift her out of her deep lunge.
It was the closest real life thing I’ve ever seen to slipping on a banana peel and to this day if anyone ever starts to say “remember that time at Walmart when...” we all start cracking up.
My sister is the clumsiest person on Earth. One time when she was about 11 she got these like platform flip flops for like $4 at Rugged Warehouse and she loved them. She wore them to Walmart and twisted her ankle and fell off of them. Me and my cousin got in trouble for laughing so loud. When we were leaving Walmart she was carrying a pineapple upside down cake and twisted her ankle again, dropping the cake. A week or two later we went to a Kenny Chesney concert. We had lawn seats and it POURED that day. As we were leaving the concert she twisted her ankle wearing those stupid fucking flip flops and slid/rolled down the hill. So many adults were laughing at her. That was the end of the flip flops because they broke
Another time we went to work with our cousin who worked in a college dining hall. My sister ran to tell our other cousin we got to unload the big dishwasher. She somehow slipped and yelled “We got to put dishes awooooo” as she slid across the floor.
1) Covered myself in vasaline head to toe. Wasn't even able to open my eyes. My mom had the worst time washing it off me.
2) Took a crayon and drew along the perimeter of the walls of my apartment. Apparently I opened the closets and got the inside of it too and the back of my fridge somehow. The line never ended and made a full circle.
3) Some 'strangers' knocked on my door. They were actually distant relatives which I did not know. They asked if they could come in and I responded with 'only if you bring me a power ranger'. I closed the door. Mom was in the kitchen cooking and thought the loud knocking was me being a dumbass as usual. They gave up and went home. The next time they came over they notified my mom ahead of time and they brought a power ranger action figure for me.
My family mentions these stories every single chance they get. I just sit there embarrassed as they laugh wildly. All of these happened when I was roughly 3-4 years old.
My cousin was throwing a temper tantrum, running around like a chicken with her head cut off. And she made a beeline through the living room to zip outside and further spread her mayhem through the neighborhood. The only problem was she failed to notice the screen door was shut (not open, as she anticipated), and zoomed full bore straight into it. She had so much momentum she knocked it right off its track and the damn thing flew with her for a few glorious seconds before they both ate some serious grass. Oh my God. I'll never forget it.
My cat Lucy, bless her heart, was pretty dumb. Not exactly retarded persay, but she had to watch me put food in her bowl to know its there, even though her food bowl haddn't moved in years kinda thing.
Anyway, often when I'm spending quality time with my family Lucy will decide she wants in from outside. Fine, but instead of meowing, like a normal cat, she just straight up jumps into the window with a loud bonk. Now, you might be thinking, "Oh, she must think it's open because it was so clean, right?" Wrong. My mom specifically put bird stickers on the window to try help out Lucy, so she doesn't hurt her self, but she just kept doing it.
Lucy passed away years ago from old age(weird, I know), but I'll never forget the laughing fits I had whenever she thought, "Yeah, that windows definitely open."
This one has me dying laughing. Just imagining sitting around watching tv or reading and then a cat slams into the window and disappears. At first being startled by it, but later not even really looking up from whatever you’re doing and just explaining “Yeah, she does that” to any startled newcomers.
When I was about 13, my dad and I went to Walmart and found a really loud bike horn. It made the sound you would expect from a clowns nose. He ended up buying it for me just to mess with my family.
It was like 8pm, and I was sitting in the living room for a while with the horn down my pants. I then squeezed the horn twice really hard and everyone turned their heads towards me with the most surprised face I've ever seen in my life. I meant to play it off like I had no idea what the sound was, but I couldn't stop myself from laughing. The thought of that random goofy sound coming from no where is still hilarious
Made funnel cake for myself and a few friends and as I got ready to funnel it into the hot oil one friends goes, "Woah! That's so smart to use a funnel to get the funnel cake shape!"
I was at church with my cousin after he had spent the night at my house. Well the choir started singing at one point and my cousin goes “Oh, I know this one.” And right on queue as the choir holds out a long “Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu”, my cousin whisper sings in a ridiculous voice”RuuUUUuuuuuuUUUUuUuuuuUuUuUuUuUuuuUuUuUu”. We spent the next half an hour trying to contain laughter while my mother stared not daggers but greatswords at us.
My dad had farted. Eight-year-old me wasn’t in the room when it happened, but I walked in shortly after. I smelled the fart. I assessed the smell. I determined what (I thought) it was. And I gleefully proclaimed,
mmmm. Fish sticks!
Oh God. I remember this vividly.
I was six. I had just got this hot pink metallic frisbee in some kind of outdoor fun toy kit and I was VERY excited about this new toy. I truly have no idea what it was about the frisbee but I was fucking pumped for it. BUT my mom was a stickler for rules and the frisbee was an outdoor only toy to be used when an adult is close by so I hadn't had the time to try it yet.
Cut to a few weeks later- my mom and I are outside in the late afternoon while my dad is out and I'm bored out of my mind while she rakes the leaves until I remember the frisbee! I stood on our deck with my vibrant pink disc of entertainment, closed my eyes, and flung it out into the universe with childish glee....only for the wind to whip it directly into my mothers face with enough force to bruise her eye socket.
I'm an asshole because every time I think of the combination of the smack and my mother's shriek of "FIREFLYEYES" I shake with laughter.
While traveling in the mountains my dad mistook a hairy cow as a black bear. He was so excited and was yelling at us to look. Me and my brother where very confused at first.
Now when we see bears we say look at the big cow, and when we see a heard of cows we say wow look at all of the bears. He will never live it down
My brother was like 2 or 3, standing on the balcony of our hotel on the beach in his diaper with a piggy bank yelling at women walking past “Hey ladies! I’ve got pennies!”
When I was about 6, I was being a total brat. My mom and I got into a fight, and she called me “a little cow,” an insult in South Africa. I WAS SO MAD and I yelled back, “Well if I’M a little cow, then YOU’RE A BIG FAT ONE.” She stared at me for a second an burst out laughing.
I adore my mother
My sister tried to do a backflip on the trampoline, bounced off it backwards, slammed into the fence completely upside down, then slid to the ground head first. It was like something from a cartoon.
I had a trampoline, back in junior high. My friend and I were taking turns jumping on it. It was his turn, and he was gonna do a knee-drop to a front flip. He did the knee drop, but didn't quite have enough momentum to do the flip. His feet went up, his face went down and he basically skidded across the entire trampoline on his nose.
He looked like Rudolph with his carpet burned nose.
When I was 12 or so, had a keyboard that played a bunch of different songs. My friend was improvising hilarious new lyrics to A Whole New World and I was laughing so hard I was crying. I suddenly had to pee so I blindly turned around and ran in the general direction of the bathroom, but because I had tears in my eyes I couldn’t see that I was running straight into the side of one of the French doors leading out.
Hit the door, bounced backwards, landed flat on my back, and pissed my pants.
My mom used to keep a bucket beside the main bathroom toilet when we were kids. Everyone in the family would pee in this bucket. When the bucket was filled up she would then water her garden of vegetables with it. Yes I know it is weird, but we were kids and didn't think much of it. Anyway, one night our aunt gave my brother and I some plush toys. Mines was a bear and my brother got a rat. We were both happy with our new toys so we played with them for a while and eventually fell asleep. The next morning I wake up and notice my brother's rat was missing so I asked him what happened to his rat. He didn't know. So I went to ask my mom what happened to his rat because when I was younger, the three of us slept together. My mom said that she had to throw out the rat because during the night my brother had to use the washroom and while he was doing his business he accidentally dropped the rat in the pee bucket. When I heard this I couldn't stop laughing.
When I was in high school, we used to play that game where you turn your hands upside down and make "glasses" for your eyes with your fingers running down the side of your face (if that makes sense). If someone made the glasses, and got you to look at them, you were supposed to touch your back to the ground right away. We'd always do it to each other in class and watch as they had to ninja out of their desk so the teacher couldn't see.
I was actually really good at this game. So much so that a couple of my buddies were really out to get me. One day, I was walking into the parking lot and I heard someone scream my name. Not thinking, I looked over and my buddy got me out of his car window as he was driving by. I swear this was the first time anyone got me and he was so pumped that he yelled "HAH" and pointed at me to talk shit. Right as he did he slammed into the car in front of him. I gladly laid on the ground as I died laughing.
It was my gramma's 85th birthday and her favorite thing was strawberry shortcake with whipped cream. We made everything by hand in our house and we had one of those old electric hand mixers. Everyone's in the kitchen waiting on dessert and I'm whipping cream with that mixer when she says something to me, I turn and one of my waist length ringlets falls in the bowl. That mixer SNAPPED to the side of my head so fast I didn't even have time to react. Everyone paused, time stood still for a moment, then Gramma asks, "Can we laugh now?"
Lucky for me, you had to hold the cord in the side or it would fall out and the big motion jerked the cord out, so at least it stopped. It took nearly a half hour of careful unraveling to get the beaters out of my hair. For a year we'd find small splatters of dried whipped cream on things.
Yes, yes we did finish it and ate it all. Occasionally someone would pause, snort and giggle, which started us laughing to tears.
Lost her later that year, so it's a poignant memory.
At 13 years old my cousin and I were at a skating rink and at that time I was wearing a upper front partial when she swung me around on my skates my mouth was open and the partial flew out onto the floor. As we circled back to get it, it was gone. The next thing you heard was the DJ announcing that someone have lost their teeth on the skating floor. but the funny part was that we both peed on herself in embarrassment because we were too afraid to go up to the DJ to retrieve the partial.a couple of bystanders witnessed the whole thing and they were gracious enough to go up to the DJ to get my partial for me, of course they couldn't contain their laughter either!
My sister was helping me look for stick-on-gem type things to decorate my graduation cap when I finished my bachelors. Two stores later all we could find was a large bag of googly eyes, and we were laughing to the point of gasping tears at the thought of me walking with a cap that would stare down whoever was walking behind me. 😂🎓
When i was about 9 I got a craft kit that had water balloons in it for Christmas. You would blow the balloons up and add feet and faces and stuff.
On Boxing Day my parents friends (Bob and Sue) come around. I ask Sue to blow a balloon up for me and she blows it up and it pops.
Here's where it gets funny, she had this jingle Bell earrings in so when the balloon popped her earrings jangles and the other adults come running into the lounge thinking a light bulb had exploded.
Sue is standing there patting her cheeks yelling "my lips, I can't feel my lips, I think I blew them off".
Her 2 kids, my brother and I were rolling around the floor laughing whilst everyone else just stared at Sue before laughing at her too.
There was also the time my grandpa tried to scrub the dirt of my face when I was about 4, and he wouldn't believe me when I told him they were freckles.
Many years ago, my mother made my sister and me sit at the kitchen table until we finished our mashed potatoes. They were them nasty ass instant mashed potatoes that come in a frickin' box, gross ass shit. Anyway, one of us, I'm not sure who, decided to load that shit up into our spoons, and start flinging it at the walls.
Well, I remember my mother walking back into the kitchen, looking at our plates, and being satisfied that we had finished our dinner, not realizing that a glob of mashed potatoes was slowly sliding down the wall above the doorway, just above her head.
That glob dried up, and was there until I was in my twenties