|Submited on :||Thu, 10th of Jan 2019 - 17:51:32 PM|
|Post ID :||aelgwf|
|Post Name :||t3_aelgwf|
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|Subreddit ID :||t5_34ixl|
I’m finally getting to the point where I’ve reconciled the fact that my wife is gone and I can think about our time together in a positive way. I can finally carry her in my heart without fear, shame or regret. This is my cozy place.
Edit: I did not expect this response. Thank You for all the kind thoughts, words and messages. I just want to say that we’re all so much stronger than we think or give ourselves credit for. As much as I appreciate the sentiments, I’m not special in this way or stronger than anyone else. You’re just as strong and just as valuable as any other person or thing. Honestly, if it wasn’t for Love I wouldn’t have had the strength to do what I did and that’s a fact. My love for my wife gave me the strength to try to do what I thought was right or the best I could in taking care of her. I’m sure if the unfortunate time came, you would do the same or better. Wherever you are and however you feel, my heart goes out to you Friends. Just know you’re worth it too.
That is probably the healthiest way to deal with such a terrible loss. I'm glad you're doing alright while keeping her in your memory. Do not be ashamed of seeking therapy if you feel like you need help in the future.
I'm terribly sorry for your lost, That place looks beautiful. I'm glad that you are finding closure and visiting places that hold such a meaning to you guys.
Edit: my first silver ever! Thank you kind stranger!
Man I hope I die before my fiancé... fuck
I hope you and your fiance die at the same time
I mean that with love
Like The Notebook. I’d love an ending like that, laying next to each other and go gentle into that good night.
As morbid as it sounds, I'd rather my SO go first. We both love each other very much and I couldn't bear losing her but I'd rather her not have to go through that pain.
My mom died before my dad. His only consolation is that at least she didn't have to go through that shit.
Fuck. I would miss my husband so fucking much but I hope he goes before me. He's very sensitive emotionally and I know he wouldn't handle my death well at all.
It gives me some solace to think about my mum's passing in that way. She went before my dad did. She suffered a lot but didn't have to grieve the people that died after her.
I've had that discussion with mine, she absolutely wants to go first. She says she wouldn't be able to function without me. I would basically be dead inside once she's gone, but I think I could just tough it out better than her.
we've agreed that the best thing would just be to croak together at the same time.
This is sort of off-topic but that's why I hope in the future we'll have great assisted-sucide options. I don't think there's better way to go than on your own terms, together.
meh. idk if I'd want that. Like if she was dying and I was still healthy, I don't think I'd just off myself with her. She wouldn't want that, and presumably I'd have kids and grandkids and such to still enjoy. If we were both terminally ill though, maybe. although idk if I personally believe in suicide like that.
I think it's clear that the OP mentioned it as an option for the person who wants to die alongwith
I get it... I just think about how much I would miss her and how much she would miss me... I think I'm stronger than her in some ways that help people survive in this world... I wouldn't want to go first and be a worrisome ghost...
It is amazing how much the trivial shit really doesn't matter when talking life/death. In the grand scheme of things who the hell cares that you tracked in a little bit of mud, or there was a dish left in the sink. These posts always make me reflect on myself and how I approach people day to day.
I of course would miss my wife, but now with a family I would be just as upset for my daughter who just thinks of the world of her.
There’s a word in Arabic that means “you bury me”, and it’s said with this same sentiment. It’s meant to represent the morbid hope that you perish before the one you love, because living without them would be unbearable.
It's funny cause then I have almost the opposite feeling as well. I hope you go before me because I don't want you to deal with the pain of losing someone you love and being alone in the world.
Thanks for sharing friend. That made me bawl. I lost my fiance in college to breast cancer a couple years ago, and recently lost my father to pancreatic cancer.. Hit me right in the feels
I’m really sorry to hear that. I hope you’re doing alright.
I am all things considered. Some might say I'm a failure, college dropout, ex alcoholic with no real prospects, friends, or ambition. But another might say that I'm a young man who's been handed a life filled with struggles, who has his chin up and is moving forward with all his might, who never gives up even when the world crumbles around him. I say it's a little of column A, a little column B. Everything's relative I suppose. All that being said I'm not a happy person anymore, but I'm not depressed either. I do my best for those whom I've lost.
Funny, I go the other direction. I pray that my wife dies first, so that she doesn’t feel that pain. I also pray that I follow immediately behind her
My grandparents have been married over 60 years. They have talked in a completely serious way about ending it together at the same time, whenever one of them is at that point with their age/health. Why die sad and alone when you can die happy together, that’s how they see it.
Best case scenario in life is that you find your one true love, and you marry and grow old together. Then one of you dies. That’s as good as it gets and it still sucks. Life is a drag.
But then.. just imagine how your fiance would feel when you died before him/her.
It's a scary thing, and can come so unexpected. :(
So to OP, my condolences, I wish you the best, and you're doing so well that you are able to go visit these places, if I was in your place, I wouldn't be able to go there without being plagued by memories I'm not strong enough to relive just yet - no matter how happy they were. You are very strong.
I’ve taken my wife to Oregon many times, she loves it. Wants to settle there. I miss her like it hurts, sometimes when she’s just in the other room. I can’t even imagine the feeling of loss.
I’m glad that you see the positive, and you can honor her presence in your life in a loving light-filled way now.
I wish nothing but the best for you.
I’ve never read a comment that broke my heart like this did. I gave you reddit gold. It’s the first time I’ve given it, even counting my older (now deleted) accounts.
I’m so glad you’ve reached this point!
In 3 days it will be 6 years since I lost my wife to cancer. All I will say is it took years for me not to feel lost at sea. I wish your soul peace my friend until you meet her again.
You're an amazingly strong person. I'm sure your wife would want nothing less than your happiness. Also, fuck cancer
I am thrilled to hear you are in such a better place. Sending the energy I have to spare (fighting through a tough spell in my marriage) towards your happiness and sobriety (as long as you want to do that). She had a terrific partner while she was here.
My older brother's wife just died last month, randomly from a heart attack at a fairly young age. It was very tough seeing someone loose "their person".
I think about how long it will take him to really get over it, if ever. I couldn't imagine the feeling.
I wish the best for your sir.
Your wife was lucky to have had you.
This is good to hear. I just lost my mom to cancer this past November. In September her scans looked good and the doctors thought she was in the clear, and by November she was gone. The only family I've got left is her parents, who are in their 80s.
Right now, the whole world feels surreal. The fact that the day my mom died is the happiest day in the world for someone else (wedding, birth, etc.) just feels wrong.
Right now I'm just trying to keep my shit together so my life doesn't fall apart, but I have no idea what to do in order to get back to anything resembling a normal life.
I have no idea what to do in order to get back to anything resembling a normal life.
That's completely fine. The thing is though that it does eventually get better, I can promise you that. You'll never forget them, and thinking about them will always have a tinge of sadness - but the pain won't be as raw, immediate and debilitating as it is now.
My father died unexpectedly when he was 52 years old, and I was in my teens. It completely shattered my family, but little by little you work your way back to normality. Things are never the same again, your life will always be different, but it can still be good.
After my father died I often found myself thinking of the times I'd been a little shit, or said and done hurtful things. Normal teenage stuff, but it weighs on you after someone is gone and you can't say, "I'm sorry".
It was only many years later, after I became a parent myself, that I learned to let this go. Even when your kids say or do something that hurts you, you still love them with every fiber of your being. There's nothing that needs forgiveness; it was forgiven as soon as it happened.
You are a stronger person than me. If something happened to my wife, the only thing that would prevent me from also ending it is my daughter. I'm sorry for what you've had to go through and what you are still going through.
Man, please stay strong for your daughter, she needs you. After all, she's half your wife.
The love you two shared changes bits and pieces of the wider world. I have no doubt that people around you saw it and were impacted by that. My warmest to you.
My mom is stage 4 right now. I'm hoping once she passes I can get to this point as well. I'm glad you're at this point. I'm sure it's been one of the hardest things you've done to get to this point.
You will. My mom passed three years ago almost exactly and I finally am. Now when I see her in my dreams, I feel warm and fuzzy, and instead of wanting to stay asleep because I’m desperate for her to stay, I want to stay asleep to soak it in. It used to destroy me, but now her memory builds me up. Well, there are still hard days, but it all means she was here and she loved me.
The thing about losing a parent is you never really do lose them, just their physical presence.
So very sorry for your loss. This is a precious reminder to me that life is short and you should never take anything for granted. It’s a beautiful cozy place, and thank you for sharing your story.
I can't imagine being in your place. I would imagine I could be strong like your, but most likely I would just join her. You're one brave and courageous son of a bitch and you fucking keep on experiencing this world for her.
In that M Night Shymalana interview he talked about how we often use the ending to describe our experiences. Like since we got divorced, the marriage was all bad, so it's important to remember it wasn't just the ending.
We love you, OP.
Is this one of the cabins at Cape Lookout? I'm headed there this weekend to spread my dog's ashes... Think she wants the company? Best wishes.
We spread my aunt's ashes just north of Yachats. She was a vagabond most of her life but always ended up back at the coast for stints. It was her favorite place.
This tugged at every single one of my heart strings. Thank you for sharing
The mind can make a hell of heaven, or a heaven of hell.
I believe in you.
Not exactly the same, but I lost my dad when I was 13 (21 years ago now... Fuck). His memory will never leave me, but things will get easier. Just take it one day at a time my friend. And please, if you need someone to talk to or to just sit in silence with a friend, reach out and let them know.
Seems like a beautiful cozy place for a honeymoon. I'm glad to read you've kind of found peace with such a horrible time in your life. Keep finding strength in the moments you had together.
My condolences 😔
“I brought a chair from home I'm leaving it on the hill Facing west and north And I poured out your ashes on it I guess so you can watch the sunset But the truth is I don't think of that dust as you
You are the sunset”
....jesus christ...I swear If I dont find those hidden onions.....
I’d love to put this quote on a bench on the Oregon Coast
My condolences. You carry her with you and the joy you feel being at that place means she can feel it too.
Edit: thank you for the gold kind stranger! I hope this gives everyone who's seen it some level of peace.
That’s beautiful. Thank You.
Thank you for sharing your post. This made me really emotional, which doesn't happen a lot on Reddit. Moments of tenderness, and of sadness, are important. Thank you for helping to remind me to enjoy what is good and meaningful in life.
I'm tearing up myself.
Hang in there man. You created a beautiful moment and memory to honor her instead of creating despair . That feeling has passed like a torch to a lot of others, a fine way to celebrate a beautiful life.
I don’t have any gold, Please take this🥇🎖for your beautiful message
Thanks! :) love it regardless
I'm so sorry for your loss. This reminds me of Carl and Ellie from Up, when Ellie leaves the note saying "Thanks for the adventure." I'm sure your wife felt similarly.
Oh god, I bawled my eyes out at that scene. "Thanks for the adventure, now go make your own." I think OP not only said good bye, but made their own little adventure. So beautiful and heart breaking.
I only just emotionally recovered from watching that film a couple of years ago and I just felt all of the emotions that I felt after watching it resurface all over again after reading that comment. My heart. That film really took me for a right emotional rollercoaster ride and IT'S A BLOODY ANIMATED FILM
Edit: Your wife would have loved that you did this. Sending you love from where I am to wherever you are.
Not to be morbid but this reminds me of Silent Hill 2.
James, come find me in our special place.
Toluca lake represent.
I somehow just got a heart-warming chill from this.
i hate you and the OP and UP and the creators and disney and....
I LOVE YOU ALL WHAT AM I SAYING
*cut some more onions
Goddammit, WE DON'T TALK ABOUT UP ON HERE!!! Damn you all to hell for making the most beautiful sadness ever, Pixar!!!
I just spent my 20th anniversary on the Oregon coast with my wife this past June. It was one of the neatest places we have traveled together. Her dad just passed away to Esophageal cancer last month. I can see spreading my ashes on the beach there when it is my time.
I'm so sorry for your loss. And fuck cancer.
My SO and I have talked about this. I've got three places I want her to spread my ashes and they're each in a different state but have meaning to us. It will be an adventure for her!
As a (relatively very) young dude with barrett's, this stuff scares me sometimes
I also lost my wife to cancer, in 2014. She spent the last few months of her life in bed, but one Sunday i picked her up and carried her to our car and drove her out to the country. I would glance over at her and i could see the joy in her face at getting a break from the reality of her situation. She died the following Saturday. It's the only memory that brings me to tears
I can't imagine losing my wife, it's such a weird thought.
It hasn’t been easy. She was in home hospice care the last 8mo and her mom and I took care of her during that time. I still worked at the library where we met and we both worked and that added another element. I couldn’t even get away from what was happening at work. I lost my mom a month after my wife from another type of cancer. I was already an alcoholic by that point, but really hit the bottle hard. Ended up in the ER for alcohol withdrawals when I tried to quit. Went to rehab and relapsed 9mo later. Last weekend was my 1yr anniversary w/o a drink though and I’m actually starting to feel better about myself. That I’m not a bad person even if I made fun of Mannheim Steamroller when it made my wife happy around Christmas time. Stupid regrets and things like that can have so much power over me if I let them. It’s crazy. I’m finally learning to let those things go, but I still get down on myself from time to time. Loving someone is really hard, but it’s worth fighting for.
Congrats on the year of sobriety. That's an amazing feat in itself, not to mention doing it while also grieving these losses. You are stronger than you know.
Hang in there friend
Reddit is the most hilarious place ever. Who’da guessed that in this thread, /u/Ocular__ANAL_Fistula would be here offering up “hang in there’s.” 😊
Can you please quit smoking?
I did - like 7 years ago after I made this username! It was my daily reminder! Thanks :)
Glad to hear it. I should do the same 😤
You absolutely should! And you will! Good luck friend!
When I quit, it took me several tries, first several days, then months, then days, months etc and now it's been years. Maybe I'll start again, but I'll quit again; I told myself I'm not going to be hard on myself when I break as long as I keep trying
Funnily enough, a commercial I saw in Australia when I was travelling helped me a bit, I always made fun of that type of stuff but there you have it. I'll try and find it
Edit: found it. It's much less impressive than I remember but it did it's thing
Yeah I am smoking now for about 4 months after being off them for the better part of two years. I know I will stop again, but not today I guess 😄
Not to sound corny, but this post and this thread are an inspiration to a lot of people who are reading. You’re doing good for a lot of people right now with these words. If anything, I know I’ll go home tonight after work and let those “little things” go, because one day I don’t want those to have the same power. Thank you
You’re an amazing person!
Powerful. Don’t give up, you’re not (and never) alone.
Keep up the fight, may you find your peace
Thanks for sharing friend. I lost my Dad suddenly 5 years ago, still struggling to reconcile it.
I'm glad you have been able to find some peace, and can forgive yourself for just being human. Nobody's perfect, but that's probably at least part of the reason she loved you.
Be good to yourself.
Thank you for sharing that. It really moved me.
My husband and I both work at a library. I would go crazy, too. Everything would remind me of him, and my mind would never turn off with the replay of all the stupid regrets. My condolences.
That I’m not a bad person even if I made fun of Mannheim Steamroller when it made my wife happy around Christmas time
When my mom was terminal, she watched a TON of SG1 and I hated it, made fun of it because I thought it was hokey. I still feel shitty about that 14 years later because, man, it just made her happy.
Awww I love Mannheim Steamroller too and my husband makes fun of me for it as well. Don’t feel any regret for that. It’s just husbands and wives being silly with each other. Instead cherish it as a memory of the two of you. I know my husband is good naturedly making fun of me and I’m sure your wife did too. Xo
Every day... I’m only 24 and my boyfriend and I have decent health, but I worry constantly. My commute is the worst because I have all this time to just sit there and think “what if he gets hit by a car” “what if he has a brain aneurism” “what if someone mugs him on his way home”. I can imagine it all very well, but I have yet to figure out how to deal with it when it comes. The thought of him not being here tears me apart. I have so much respect for people who can move forward, as I truly don’t know how I would be able to. Before I had him I had a lot of suicidal ideation, and I just can’t think about how bad it would be if I lost him. Sorry I’m not sure exactly the point of my comment... I guess I just hope I can differ to someone who has been through it.
This is 100% me too. I get so anxious and upset about the thought of even losing my boyfriend...
And now...I am crying
This comment is said innapproprately in so many dumb threads. First time I can recall ever getting getting hit so quickly and so hard by a title and clicking on a pic that I had to wipe my cheeks.
Seriously it was pretty much instant tears for me at the end of the title.
Yea holy fuck for some reason this is like the saddest post I’ve ever seen on here
I think you should still abide by her wishes. She would have laughed her ass off either way
sorry for your loss. looks like a great place to rest..
I hope 2019 is a good year of healing for you, cozy internet stranger. My wife and I also honeymooned along the Pacific coast. It is a special place. Be well.
No one will probably see this but I'm literally on the gulf coast with my dad waiting to do the exact same thing. My mom died from cancer last spring. It's a strange feeling being in such an meaningful place without the person who made it truly meaningful in the first place
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
I'm so sorry man. May her soul rest in peace.
"Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep" - Mary Elizabeth Frye
I lost my 43yr old wife to cancer just this past November. I know your feelings of regret (not getting back to the ocean) only too well. I hope you've been able to find some peace in revisiting your cozy place.
Cannot being to comprehend that level of pain. Its too young to not be around. And for those left behind...I hope your bruised and battered heart will eventually reach a place where the pain will be dull at its worst, and your daily memories will be of her healthiest and happiest days.
First off, let me say that I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for you. I've been married to my husband for only a year and a half and I can't imagine how painful your grief has been. I'm also an Oregon native and have spent a fair portion of my life at the coast. I'm sorry you weren't able to make it back before she passed but I am so glad you made it back to honor her with a final resting place that I'm sure she would have adored. Also, my sincerest congratulations on recently celebrating one year of sobriety. You are an incredibly strong person and I wish the very best for you.
In my restless dreams, I see that town. Silent Hill. You promised you'd take me there again someday, But you never did. Well I'm alone there now... In our 'special place'... Waiting for you...
exactly what I thought about seeing this post.
Thank You to everyone for all of your support and thoughtful comments. I’m truly blown away. This is overwhelming. I plan on responding to as many comments and messages as I can, but it may take me a moment. All of my best to all of you. You’re worth having love as much as anyone else.
Instant waterworks. Sometimes there is more comfort in silence than in words. I hope you find peace in the wonderful memories you both created in the cabin. "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.". Happy anniversary.
I’m sorry about your wife man..that just sucks. Glad you were able to take her there for one last time ❤️❤️
This is very lovely, sorry for your loss
I'm on my last vacation with my wife (33) right now. We live in Oregon, but decided to go to Hawaii.
It's hard because she's so tired all the time, but we both know we've had a great life together.
Holy shit op i thought you were my dad for a second. I lost my mom in 2015 and we went to the Oregon coast just before she passed. Props to you for going and spreading the ashes there.
Take care man. Sending my love .
Nothing the heart gives away is lost. It is kept in the hearts of the ones we love.
May her memory be eternal!
Carry on brother. I lost my wife to cancer in 2002. It is something that changed me forever. The pain recedes but never goes away, life is wonderful just the same.
Damn, man. That is tragic and beautiful in so many ways. I would hate to lose my wife. We are an odd pair, but deeply intertwined. I am sorry for your loss.
I lost my first wife to cancer in 2011.
This past summer my wife and I traveled back to the spot that meant the most to us and left her ashes there. This was in Washington state near the gorge.
Hang in there. I never imagined being happy with someone again but I’m happily married and we have two weenie dogs that are our lives. Things will get better in time.
My wife always says she hopes she goes first. Deep down inside, I don't know what I'd do without her.
I am so sorry for your loss, and am also very glad that you went back. Nothing can take those memories away, and she’s right there with you through each one.
I hope someone does this for me when i pass. This is beautiful.
Beautiful man, sorry for your loss
My deepest condolences. I love my wife with all my heart and the knowledge that one day one of us will lose the other stabs my heart even in quick contemplation. I wish you good luck, I am not religious but I believe your souls/energies will one day meet again.
Wow that broke my heart. You honored her and your relationship in such a beautiful way. My condolences.
I'm sorry for your loss. You're a wonderful husband to do this. I hope it brought you peace knowing she'd be happy for your thoughtfulness.
I am sorry for your loss. My father died this year from cancer. I also happen to live in Oregon and know how cozy these places can be.
We received my wife's cancer diagnosis a month before our wedding one year ago. We were fortunate to catch it early and we will hopefully be able to share the rest of our lives together. I know the pain and fear of going through the battle with cancer but I cannot imagine the sadness of having to say good bye because of it. I hope you find peace and continue to cherish the moments you have in memory.
I’m sorry you had to go through this, my father had cancer so I can somewhat understand what you’re feeling.. I’m glad you were able to come to an understanding with yourself, finding a way to move on. Best wishes to you mate.
Well....that pretty much did it for me.
I think I'll go home now.
Sorry for your loss
Wow. Right when I thought I was becoming a cold hearted asshole... this story hit me right in the whiskers.
I was listening to "Iron & Wine - Naked As We Came" as I was scrolling through reddit, and as the song was about the end, I came upon this post. While I was reading your post, the song literally went:
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes around the yard
I guess I just wanted to share. So sorry for your loss. Can't imagine what you've been through, but you seem to have found the strength required to keep going. Hope you hold onto that forever. Peace.
Such a beautiful and sobering song.
Damn, this hurts my heart man. I hope you’re doing well!