|Submited on :||Thu, 6th of Dec 2018 - 13:01:48 PM|
|Post ID :||a3nope|
|Post Name :||t3_a3nope|
|Post Type :||text|
|Subreddit Type :||public|
|Subreddit ID :||t5_2vgfw|
Your mother wants to keep her lazy, self-flattering bigotry without looking hateful, and your siblings don't want to have to deal with conflict. In other words, none of them are thinking about you at all. You have to be the one who cares about you, somebody has to.
You're being gaslighted by your mom and your siblings when they act like you shouldn't care, or that your mother's contempt for your life and identity and indifference to your happiness and well-being are compatible with "love." You are allowed to have respect for your dreams, your fiancé, your relationship, and your identity, and it is reasonable to expect your own family members not to attack and disparage those things without provocation. You are totally within your rights to uphold healthy boundaries by not submitting to your mother's manipulation, and if your siblings tell you you're being "uppity" for having a healthy and appropriate degree of respect for yourself, you can stop taking their phone calls too. Worst case scenario: they sit around complaining to each other about how badly you "wronged" them by not accepting abuse with endless tolerance and charity and an utter neglect for your own well-being, while you go on living a happy life that doesn't include wasting your time and your gifts on such self-centred people who don't appreciate them anyway.
If that's an unfair assessment of them, they can pleasantly surprise you and prove you wrong at any time by deigning to treat you like a person - whose life, feelings, and aspirations matter. It's really not much to ask. But if you just meekly accept this kind of treatment, they'll never have any incentive to do so. They'll continue to prefer avoiding conflict over working through the damage your mother is choosing to inflict on your relationship and your family as a whole, and nothing will change. Your fiancé will have to deal with being treated badly every time you see your family, and that will take a toll on your relationship. If you have children with him, they will grow up in a shamed and disrespected family, which will be an alienating and insecure way to grow up. How are they going to trust people, or recognize their value when their own grandmother and uncles and aunts feel entitled to treat their family like crap, and their father says that's acceptable? It's not selfish of you to prioritize the well-being of your partner and potential children over your mother's prejudice and your siblings' lazy aversion to conflict.
Can you come with me to my family's house for Christmas?
I doubt your family would find me any more persuasive than mine did. But I hope you've been persuaded not to let your family make you disrespect yourself. That's the most important thing.
Very well said
Wow that's some good counsel right there
Fuck this is a good post.
This is the first post I've saved, holy moly bless u Sir
You don’t owe her anything and you can have much or as little as contact as you wish. She’s the one who isn’t accepting of you, despite her professed love as mother.
Not sure if applies, you might find sympathetic conversation and resources on r/raisedbynarcissists.
Was literally going to point to that subreddit as well. It 100% applies to this situation IMO
He owes her his life though
No he does not. He never asked for it, you don't owe someone for something you never asked for.
Especially when parents like this do it to feed their own narcisism and satisfaction. A child is just an extension of their self meant to glorify and further compliment them, otherwise it is no good and will be abused or shunned. See case above.
And if you think you owe your life to your parents, in the same vein you also owe your inevitable death, and all the suffering you do and will go through. None of it would happen without them by the same train of thought.
It’s not because he didn’t asked it that he doesn’t owe her it. I mean I get it there’s lot of parents bashing in this sub. Having homophobic parents is hard and doesn’t help but it isn’t as binary as « you’re good, they are bad; you are right, they’re wrong ». « You owe [...] all the suffering » and all the happiness too or are we just seeing the bad side?
These are largely your opinions though, and while it's good to respect those who took care of us and appreciate it, it can be damaging to stay around people like this.
I understand the sentiment that family should be adhered to at all costs, it's the prevailing sentiment in modern culture, but let me ask you, if a child is being abused what does CPS do? They separate them. They don't say "Aw Timmy, I know your pa beats you, but think of all those times he took you to Disney Land!"
And sometimes as an adult it becomes reasonable to separate yourself from abusive family members. That includes emotional or mental abuse, as often that will do far more long term damage than physical abuse sans the most extreme cases.
I mean these are YOUR opinions too. And I was talking about homophobic parents not abusive ones (although some can be both)
are we just seeing the bad side
We are seeing what's presented. The whole don't-be-binary argument is bogus. Nobody owes respect to a parent who makes it her goal to degrade her child for who he is.
*Love yourself enough to finish what you have started. *
How to deal with mom: just the way you have been, either she retracts her statements, changes her acceptance or lives with no contact.
How to deal with siblings: Explain that they are not a tool for your mother to manipulate you. Explain that you are fully capable of setting limits on how much disrespect you take from mom, and that she has crossed the line.
Ask them why they are bringing this up? Do they agree with your mom? Do they think that ignoring your partner and engagement will cause you to become straight? If the shoe were on the other foot, do they think you should “help” them forgive your mother?
Explain that they should tell their mom to quit expecting you to be straight, and stop ignoring your identity, and accept your life and engagement instead of expecting everyone to help her turn you straight.
If they disagree invite them to join her in bigotry and religious conviction, just explain that you are more than willing to draw lines in the sand for non acceptance.
It's like reading my own story.
Without getting into the whole thing, I'm going to sum it up for you:
You have just one shot at this life. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be surrounded by people who accept you and love you for who you are.
You are not being dramatic. But you need to accept the way those people are - family or not. And make the conscious decision that you are the only one that has the power to surround yourself with people that love and support you.
Family is not those that you were raised with and/or share DNA with. Family is a support group that is with you through the good and bad. Holds you responsible for when you fucked up and praise you for your accomplishments.
I limited my access to my family especially my mother and filter what I want them to know about my life. I don't regret one second for cutting that burden and being able to breathe for the first time.
I love reading this from someone else's perspective and knowing that I'm not alone in wanting approval from parents... But having to come terms with the probability of that occurring are slim to none 😭😭
The "she still loves you" bit got me. You can care about someone but still wrong them, treat them like shit, etc. The fact that you care about someone in spite of how you treat them does not excuse hurtful behavior.
You're an adult and I assume you have no dependence of any kind on any member of your family, so my best recommendation is that she either accepts who you are and your fiance or she ceases to be a part of your life entirely. If your siblings attempt to act as her flying monkeys to mend that gap against your wishes, then you can do the same to them. Be firm with all of them: either your conditions are met or they can live the rest of their lives without you.
Cutting off contact with family members hurts, but honestly if they're toxic or abusive like your mother and siblings sound, staying in contact will do far more harm over time.
What broke through to my ex-Mormon mother is the fact that it’s not a choice. My mom responded very badly to my coming out (I was in college; it was over the phone).
I told her that every birthday candle I’d blown out, every tunnel I held my breath through, every coin thrown in a well was spent wishing I wasn’t gay. I used to be terrified of getting my blood drawn, thinking (as a kid) that the doctor would be able to tell I was gay. How much easier would my life be if I’d been “normal!” (NOTE: I no longer think this way, and have, approaching 30, grown to understand why I should be PROUD to be gay; it’s a badge of honor to have a different viewpoint, a motherfucking gift to understand an aspect of oppression, to see the world from underneath, in a way.)
Weeks later she told me that that conversation changed her mind on the whole thing; in her ignorance she’d never had to question her assumptions (and tbh all that shit religious and right-wing groups bandy about); that the gays have “an agenda,” that you can “turn gay,” and underneath it all, that gay is “bad.”
I dunno if this is helpful, but good luck to you friend.
I’ve tried that angle with my mom but it just enforced her view that it’s a “psychological disease” and “only natural to not want to be sick.” 🤨
My mother told me I was going to hell until the day she died. It was her beliefs and her right to believe them.
It was my duty, to my mental health, not to be around toxic people. So whenever she said something, I left the room or ended the visit.
Are your siblings so dense that they don't understand hearing your mother say your going to hell is hurtful? Or have they drunk the Kool-Aid? It was my siblings who explained to my mother why I never came home.
Just give her some time and space. She will eventually have to chose between god and family.
You're not overreacting, I may be a lot younger than you but I think you have a right to react like this. I think the best you can do is try to set aside your differences.
Just keep doing what you are doing. She is being very two faced. If she can’t love you and your new family then she can be left out of everything that you do.
This post and comments is what makes this sub so amazing
Your mither is in the wrong and it has been an aweful long time for her to become accepting but remember that it is difficult for people to change their basic values. Her beliefs only support yhose values she presumably grew up on. And depending on her social circle the norm may be to be against LGBT stuff -- even in Canada. Point is you both need to try to come to middle ground, express taht to her! Make her question why she believes what she does (and values too). Set a goal to reach with her that is realistic and then set new goals once the previous is reached.
Ignore her. Forget about her.
My family is super Mormon. My mother made similar comments about still loving me but believing my ‘lifestyle’ is one of sin. I have explained that I completely reject the belief system that has led her to believe it is a sin, and there is zero chance of me ever ‘coming back to the faith’. She has accepted that there is no chance of me acquiescing, and we have more or less agreed to disagree.
While it hurts that she can’t fully accept me, in many ways it has strengthened our relationship. She had to decide that her love was unconditional and independent of how she viewed my ‘sinning’.
I would tell her point blank that if she really loved me, she would be supportive of me and my fiancé. If she can't, then she's just disowned me as her son. And I would shut her completely out of my life.
My advice isn't exactly the healthiest way to deal with it but: Your family is pandering to your mother's delusion. Don't let them convince you otherwise that she isn't anything but homophobic. And if she truly is religious, you should throw back at her face that religion is about love and the Bible only discusses homosexuality a handful of times, but people get so hung up on this one aspect of religion to rationalize their bigotry.
First not all Christians take that hard line about homosexuality, some people are selective in what they believe about gays and seem to overlook the fact that Jesus was open and accepting of everyone , and said repeatedly that the main game is love and acceptance. Anyways, I actually think that your mum does love you in her own kinda way. Obviously that should include accepting your sexuality or at the very least being pleasant to you and your partner and not making a big deal of it all. Her Baptist background just wont let her get her head into a proper space, While her acceptance of your situation is naturally very important to you and its absence is very hurtful to you do you really feel like cutting her out of your life? You can of course. It is also legitimate for you to modify your relationship with her based on her behaviour. If she is not being nice to you and your BF, limit contact, respond to text s etc in a bland way. Show her and your family that you are the grown up, maintain [limited] contact, invite her to the wedding, attend family events, etc . If you experience rudeness simply excuse yourself and point out that you are hurt by and don't feel cared for and protected when mum says/does …………. Then leave quietly, no fuss , no stomping off etc. Remember your the grown up here. Acting as such will demonstrate that by being gay/ engaged/ you are not hysterical or irrational, its your mums reaction that is irrational. Finally : How do I explain this to her or my siblings in a way they can understand why this hurts? A thousand words would not be enough to answer this but ………. in a nutshell I would frame your responses around the following. 1. by not accepting you as you are ( gay & in a relationship) it hurts you that you are being rejected. 2. Your sexuality and BF makes you happy and content, mums negative reaction diminishes your happiness and is hurtful, don't they want you to be happy? 3. Your the same son now as always, it hurts you that they want you to be someone that you are not. All the best :)