|Submited on :||Wed, 14th of Nov 2018 - 13:07:00 PM|
|Post ID :||9wzxmm|
|Post Name :||t3_9wzxmm|
|Post Type :||text|
|Subreddit Type :||public|
|Subreddit ID :||t5_2qh1i|
My highschool girlfriend asked if she could mail some sexy underwear/kink stuff to my house because she couldn't pass off getting mail when her parents collect it. Fine with my, my family is very serious about privacy.
However my neighbor wasn't, and the mailman delivered it to her house. She opened it not realizing it was addressed to my house. She panicked, not knowing what to do, and brought it to my house. I wasn't home, so my older sister collected it and left it on my bed.
When I returned home, all my sister said was "There's a package on your bed and we're never speaking of this again". I found it hysterical, my girlfriend was mortified.
My Divorced dad was playing horseshoes in a league with my Aunt (moms sister). They went together one night when I was about 16. I went to a friends house to sleepover and didn’t think any more of it. Until I got home the next morning and her car was still in the driveway. Innocent and stupid me went into the house expecting my aunt to maybe be crashed on the couch or something. Then I heard the shower running and thought, weird, maybe she’s taking a shower before she leaves. Then I heard my dads laugh coming from the bathroom with my aunt laughing too. I tip toed out of the house and went right back to my friends house completely flabbergasted by what I just walked in on.
And now your dad is reading this and is like oh shit!!!!
I follow a bunch of weird blogs/tags on tumblr and was scrolling through my feed. I would usually alt/tab in 0.1 seconds if I was fapping or whatever but since I wasn't looking at any porn, I didn't bother to hide what I was doing, kept scrolling, then turned round (whilst still scrolling) to see my mum come in my room to put some landry on a cabinet.
Unbeknownst to me, right as she came in the room, on my screen was a huge picture of an erect horse dick. I have no idea why it was on the blog, since it was not a blog for horse cock or horse balls, and I did not intentionally look for horse cock or horse balls, but it was right there. In the middle of the screen. IF you looked in my direction there's no way you didn't see horse cock.
I don't know if she was looking since she was only in for a second and we didn't really chat or whatever but I am assuming my mum saw me looking at horse cock and thinks I like horse cocks. I don't like horse cocks, but there's never gonna be an opportunity for me to weasel my way out of that situation.
When I was 8 years old I went swimming with my brother and his girlfriend at my grandparents house. Our house wasn't far so we just walked back in our swimsuits. Once we got back to the house I was told to shower and wait for them in the living room until they've showered. So my brother and his girlfriend went down into our basement where my brothers room was and I went into the upstairs bathroom to shower. I realized I didn't have a towel and started to make my way to my mother's bathroom for a towel. That is when I noticed a cucumber sitting on the counter. Bare with me here this is where it gets odd. I took the cucumber and went downstairs. As I approached my brothers bedroom door I shoved the cucumber in my swimming trunks. I was just imagining the hilarity that would come after I showed them my goofy trick. So I swing the door open in complete confidence and the first thing I see is my brother tearing off his girlfriend's bikini top with his mouth. The cucumber hit the floor as well as my jaw. There they were. The first breasts I'd ever laid eyes on. Suddenly I made eye contact with my brothers girlfriend and then with my brother. I looked down and saw the cucumber at my feet and said "I..... wanted you to think the cucumber was my weiner as a joke." I picked up the cucumber, turned and shut the door behind me. My brother and his girlfriend are now married and have been together for 12 years. We've never spoken of that event again.
You should get them a cucumber with a nice red ribbon on it for their 20th anniversary.
Farted very loud with rumbling at my grandmother's funeral during her sisters eulogy speech. I was 17. Holy shit.
This and the username together make it seem like you live one hell of a life.
I had internal bleeding and really low blood pressure. I was in the hospital and instructed to not try to stand or walk since I’d faint. I didn’t obey that.
I went to take a piss and my girlfriend saw and chased after me. She caught up just in time to throw herself between me and the floor to prevent me from cracking my head open as I fell back unconscious, dick out, peeing all over everything on the way down.
I awoke with her sandwiched between me and the tile floors, lying in a pool of my piss.
And that’s actually the moment I realized I should marry that girl.
But that’s not the story I tell when someone asked, “when did you know she was the one?”
One faithful night when I was around 12, I woke up and for some reason I was sure I was hella late for school. I threw on some clothes and walked into the kitchen, still half asleep.
What I saw in the kitchen was utterly confusing. My dad was standing there, dick out, chugging milk straight from the carton like a madman. I looked at him, but was too tired to be shocked, he on the other hand looked like he had been cought chugging milk by the ghost of Hitler. Then I looked up at the clock. It was 04 AM. I really didn’t understand anything except that I could sleep more at this point, so without a word I just turned around slowly and went back to bed.
The look on his face still haunts me
Edit: I forgot to mention that he never put the carton down. He just stared at me in shock, milk to mouth, until I left. For all I know he stood there chugging milk with his dick out all night
I meant fateful, but at this point I’m just going with it
Holy nights are for chugging milk with dick out Edit: obligatory thank you for the silver and the gold! :)
Me and one of my friends were hanging out when we were probably.... 10 or 11. We went behind an elementary school on the weekend to play and ended up going behind a dumpster and getting naked and looking at each other. We never hung out again and every time we saw each other throughout high school it was a little weird.
Oh noo, I just had a flashback to something I haven’t thought of in YEARS.
When I was maybe six or seven I had a female friend over and we went up to my room to play. My dad was downstairs. We decide what better thing to do than get naked and go in my closet. No real reason, and nothing sexual. Just curiosity I suppose. But of course my dad comes to check on us. He opened the closet door, saw us, and immediately closed it again and left. Never to be spoken of again.
I was about 15. Definitely old enough to know better.
I was putting spiders and ice cubes on the super hot wood stove because the Leidenfrost effect was interesting.
I thought it would be funny to do it with piss. It was not funny to do it with piss.
For the uninitiated, what happens is the piss vaporizes and depending on the volume of your bladder, produces a thick and clearly visible dark brown cloud. If you can imagine the smog line in LA, it looks like that. That cloud hugs the ceiling and hangs down about a foot. It doesn't really move because it's water vapor and it leaves a film on everything it touches.
It smells like....well...like burnt piss, and you can also taste it. The cloud absolutely does not dissipate before your mother gets home from work.
I was sort of a naughty kid anyhow, so she thought I had started a fire with something. In order to avoid a worse punishment I had to take dumbsponsibility. That was the only time I can remember her looking at me with actual hatred.
I don't recall ever learning about the Leidenfrost effect, so I just looked that up and its really cool. Totally explains why you would play with ice cubes on a wood stove.
But what's up with the spiders?
spiders and ice cubes
Right, right, classic combo.
You just made me burst out laughing
A friend accidentially sent me a pic of his junk on Snapchat that was clearly meant for someone else. He excused himself a hundred times.
He has a huge fucking dick though
“Accidentally” ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I accidently sent a snap of myself holding my hand over my junk to my then girlfriends best friend... I immediately called my gf and told her what just happend while writing SORRY THAT WAS NOT FOR YOU to the friend. We all laughed about it and i thought we agreed on not talking about it... I was wrong. All her friends now about it.
This is my friend's story.
She smoked weed a bit in high school but obviously hid it from her parents. This one time she came downstairs in the morning to find a joint sitting on the kitchen counter. She knew for sure it wasn't hers and that she wouldnt be stupid enough to leave one out like that. Her mother soon after walked downstairs and started cleaning up around the kitchen. When she ran into the joint, she paused, locked eyes for a bit with my friend, said "oh uh" and quickly brushed it into her hand and got rid of it. They both pretended it never happened.
saw my friends mom topless by accident. we don't talk about it. was weird going to his house the next day. could not make eye contact with her after that.
Haha. This kinda happened to me once. I was at my brother's girlfriend's house waiting for them to get back. While waiting I needed to go to the bathroom. Lo and behold girlfriend's mom walks out in only her underwear and screams "when did you get here!". I then ran back to the living room and just sat staring blankly at the TV till my bro got back.
When I was a teenager...my best friend was over and we were drinking (I was probably 14-15). My mom had just recently found out my step dad cheated on her and they got into a huge fight that night and he stormed off and left. My friend went out to our loft on the second floor and came running back into my room and said "chubbybunny your mom is trying to kill herself!" I drunkenly ran out of my room and saw a curtain tied around the bannister of the loft, and my mom roping it around her neck on the floor below while standing on a chair. I ran downstairs, grabbed a knife, held it to my stomach and was screaming/sobbing that if she killed herself, I'd kill myself too. And I meant it too, I was prepared to stab myself in that moment. That was the only thing that made sense as an intoxicated teen at the time, the only way to get my mom to not hurt herself. She got down from the chair, grabbed the knife from me, and we both sobbed together. She then had an inpatient stay for a few days after that. We've not spoken about it since.
Edit: I've minimized and blocked this story out of my brain pretty much since it's happened, and now that I'm seeing reactions to it, I realize this is something that shouldn't be minimized and I should probably deal with. My mom and I live states away from each other, and this unfortunately is just a blip within the issues that have compounded since then. She refuses to step foot in a therapist's office (not for lack of me trying to get her there) and refuses to acknowledge her mental health is an issue. Because of these reasons, it's not really an option for me to revisit this with her, and would very likely do more harm to her than good. But, I know I should address this in therapy for myself. For those who have had similar experiences, thank you for sharing your stories. You are all incredibly strong, and so brave, and I'm sending all my love to you.
I’m really sorry for that, hope your mom is doing better.
Thank you all for the supportive comments. After the incident, I've never spoken about that night with anyone other than my husband. It's both devastating and a relief to tell that story. My mom has gotten some help but unfortunately, not what she needs and still struggles with anxiety, depression, and alcohol abuse. I appreciate the kind humans you are, thanks again for your comments.
Holy fuck that was an intense read.
Matched with my cousin on Tinder.
I was like "wow she is ho.... O my god that's my cousin!" while swiping. It all happened so fast. Same thing must have happened to her because we matched. I just messaged her and said we never speak of this, agreed? And she said agreed. And we've never spoken about it. Things are weird around the holidays. We just kinda make eye contact and then one of us finds a reason to leave the room immediatly to go and talk to other family members who we have not matched with on Tinder.
you idiot you coulda fucked your hot cousin
Was having quite rough sex with my ex-girlfriend and we thought we were home alone, so she decided that she'd scream the house down with her moaning. Screams 'fuck me daddy!' really loudly and when we finish about 10 minutes later, we go to the bathroom to clean up.
Bump into her then 14 year old brother on the landing and make direct eye contact with him. He just looks at me oddly and grimaces at his older sister. I still cringe to this day.
My sister and I thought we had a moment like this, but we spoke of it years later and we both had a misunderstanding all along.
I grew up with 2 sisters (I was the youngest, then there were 2 years between each of my older sisters). My middle sister and I were closer to each other than we were to the older one. One time when I was about 15, my mom found a used condom in the trash. Since my oldest sister was living away at college at the time, we figured it wasn't hers. So my sister and her boyfriend, who thought she was being a good sibling, thought it was mine and took the blame for it. Don't think she got in much trouble, but she thought she was doing me a favor. It was actually NOT mine, and I assumed that since she accepted blame for it, then it was her. Nothing more happened.
Years later, I was out with my sister and her boyfriend (same one from high school), and she jokingly made a comment trying to get me to do her a favor, like "It's the least you could do after I took the blame for that condom for you that one time." I was so confused and had no idea what she was talking about till she explained the event and we realized the years-long unspoken event. I guess it must've been my sister who'd been home from college in secret for a while (there was no husband for my mom at the time, so no cheating allegations). We had a good laugh for the rest of the night. I still think it's funny that we both interpreted the event in such different ways for so long.
Edit: a few people were wondering why my sister would have been home from college in secret. This sister did and still does a lot of shady things, hides stuff from us, etc so it wouldn’t have surprised me at all if she were home for a quickie and told none of us. People also are saying it’s likely my sister was cheating on her boyfriend, but if that were the case, I would think she would have just denied it being hers altogether, and also not brought it up again years later in front of that boyfriend
Well me and the wife were out on the lake fishing. When all of a sudden I felt the rumbling in my gut. I was about to shit my pants. I looked around and noticed we were no where near a dock and there was nobody else on the water.
So I looked my wife in the eye and told her I was sorry and loved her very much. I then proceeded to hang my ass over the side of the boat and had the Hershey squirts. It was over quite quickly thankfully. My wife passed me a few old receipts from her purse so I could wipe. She told me she still loved me and we kept on fishing.
Edit: I'd like to clarify that we did indeed move to a different part of the lake when I finished. What kind of sicko do you take me for?
Edit the second: my most upvoted comment is about me having diarrhea on a lake. Wtf is wrong with you reddit? Also my wife is insisting that I point out that we'd been married less than a year at that point.
Thats a keeper
My mom told me her Hitachi wand was a back massager, it disappeared when she found out I used it as one
Edit: I used it as a back messager. It didn't work very well as one....
Me and my friend we're brushing our teeth on her mom's bathroom and she pulled out her mom's vibrator saying it was a back massager. We proceeded to put it on our chins making our teeth chatter because we thought it felt cool. I only realized a couple year ago what it was.
To be fair, it is a back massager. It just happens to have other uses beyond massaging the back.
Dear jesus, this makes me think back to the time I found a double sided vibrating thing and my parents told me it was a massager. Your post made me realize . . . I fucking hate you
Edit in response to edit: I used it to massage my face. Yor edit made me remember that. Please . . . Stop
My brother and I used to go into my mom's room and grab it out of the sock drawer. It had like a suction cup type thing on it and we used to pit it on our mouths. My mom would get so mad and not let us play with it. Years later we were watching some HBO show and they were showing early sex toys. This particular one was super popular in the 70's and was the first to do a certain thing, not sure what that was because we had stopped paying attention and were trying to bleach our brains.
So my friends and I were playing never have I ever and I brought up that I’d never had a hickey. They decided to change that so two of them pinned me down while two others sucked on opposite sides of my neck. No one was really sure how it got to that point but it happened and hasn’t been brought up since.
Man, that's when you hit em with the never have I ever been in an orgy or something..
I came home from a week at Girl Scout camp at 13, and discovered a tick the size of a thumbtack, attached to a very private place. I had to go to my Mom and get her to help detach it. When she finished, she told me we didn't ever have to talk about this again if I didn't want to. Her tone made it clear that she certainly didn't want to.
Teenage me, maybe 14. I find out a girl my age wants to suck me off in my neighborhood. We meet in the woods one night and do the deed.
A week later shes posts it on Myspace.
That night i'm outside shooting hoops with my friends and her father walks over to my house and I immediately know what's going on . He asks to speak to my parents and I let him in the house. After the most painful hour of my life he appears out of the front door and leaves.
My parents call me in and we discuss it and i cry like a bitch from being embarrassed. It's been 15 years and it has never been brought up again.
I moved into a gumtree housemate situation. The housemate will be called Scott.
I have CF, but never ever bring it up. Since I’m a very lucky/healthy person. I move in with Scott, without ever mentioning the CF. About three months later I have a really bad dehydration issue. I’m completely body locked, think epic cramps but full body,
I’m full on body locked in my bed, in my pants (underwear), with a pile of edibles to my left. A few dirty dishes to my right. On top of that I’ve been CF farting for hours. Cf farts are paint stripping.
I panic, and finally decide it’s serious enough that I need fo go to the hospital.
So I text Scott, who is just in the common room on the other side of the wall. I tell him something like “hey, I’m having a medical emergency, I can’t walk... I can’t even get up. Can you come into my room and help?” He is shocked, and he thought I was properly healthy.
He comes in, my horrible fart cavern, sees how much pain I’m in. And how actually fucked i am. He goes into dad mode. Ignores my messy room, ignores the stank, says not a word. Picks me up, carries me to his van. Throws me in the back, so I can stay in the same shape. Drives me to the hospital. Carries me out, gives me to the nurses.
Ten or twelve hours later I’m released. Iv drip and hydrated. The nurses and him had talked, and he’s there to pick me up.
I thank him, he tells me that he’s got love for me. Then takes some home. I sleep for 14 hours.
We haven’t spoken of it again. He knows how much it meant to me. I bought him a bottle of whiskey and a buncha cured swine.
To this day Scott is one of my best friends in this town. i consider him a hero. I could have just locked up and been in pain till I dragged myself to the road and called 999.
Love you Scott.
Oh and, he hasent mentioned it once. He knows it’s really embarrassing for me. It was biz as usual the next day.
Again. Love you Scott.
Those dreams where you are on the toilet can really get you.
I did this and it ended with me pissing all over my wife's legs as we slept. As she realized what was happening all she could do was mournfully say "why!?" several times over as she was waking up and coming to terms with what just happened.
Also she has NEVER let me forget it.
The mournful "why?!" finally got my out-loud snort for this thread.
Those are the worst. Standing there peeing for an eternity, and you're wondering "boy why is there so much pee?! I'll push a little harder to expedite this" suddenly you feel the warmth and are nearly instantly jolted awake by it, but that doesnt automatically stop your peeing. It sucks.
I thought I was alone!
When my husband and I were dating he tickled me until I peed. I was 33.
Aw man, that's when it goes "hahahah stop please haha please stop really no actually stop STOP."
Has happened with my wife. Actually forgot about it until your post.
Please don't judge me.
One day, about 7 years ago or so, I went hiking with my sisters. It was fun but exhausting so I decided to take a shower when we got back home. I was also in the mood for some extra stress relief, so I grab my fleshlight and sneak it in with me. I start undressing and notice a little brown spot about halfway down my inner thigh. Upon close inspection, I realize it's a big, fat fucking tick!
"Oh, shit!" I think, "this bastard's been stealing my blood for hours, and who knows how many more are on me that I can't even see?!" I know I can't handle this situation alone, so I do what any sane, rational person would do.
I burst out of the bathroom after fumbling with the doorknob, run straight into the living room where my eldest sister is watching TV, and say "I have a situation that requires your assistance." Except all she heard was "Buh! Help?!" So she looks at me confused and then bursts out laughing. That was when I realized, I'm standing in the middle of the living room, completely naked. I cover my shame and run back to the bathroom to grab a towel. My sister stops laughing enough to come check on me, and I finally manage to put into words that I have a tick and need help removing it, as well as checking for more. My my mom hears all the racket and starts coming out of her room to see what's what. At the same time my sister looks me dead in the eye, with the kind of face that just screams "You're a goddamned moron." As she quickly and elegantly grabs my fleshlight off the bathroom counter and chucks it into the cabinet under the sink before right before my mom turns the corner.
She ended up helping get rid of the tick and check for more, obviously trying very hard not to laugh, while I just sit there in silent misery. Afterward, I beg her to never mention this to anyone. I threw my fleshlight away later that week, on garbage day so nobody else would see it.
... My sister passed away a couple days ago from an overdose that we believe was a suicide. Oddly enough this is my favorite memory of her, despite how embarrassing it is, although I'll never be able to share it with the rest of my family.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind comments
Edit 2: Thanks for the gold! ❤ I'm not sure what to do with it though.
Edit 3: I shared this story at my sister's memorial today, 11/24, despite some apprehension and fear of overwhelming embarrassment. I got some good laughs out of everyone in attendance. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who pushed me to share this.
I'm sorry to hear about your sister m8. Thank you for sharing.
Probably the time my good friend and I were like 8 maybe 9? We were playing monopoly with his older brother I think he was 12 and his buddy. Solid two hours goes by then all the sudden his brother pulls his dick out and just starts wankin it, so his friend decides to do it too. And my friend and I were just like wtf is going on rolled the dice and kept playing like they werent doing anything. Honestly I think we left soon after they didn't stop, and never mentioned it since.
A friend of mine and I were watching a movie on a site called "rabbit" (you can all watch movies and browse the net on the same tab) and somehow we got into an arguement over horse dongs being able to kill people. She looked it up online and we watched a nasty video of a man getting plowed by a horse. Little did we know, a notification went around on our friend lists saying "Brent and Anon are watching man gets raped by horse and dies, come watch with them!"
I am still ashamed.
The time I showed my dick to my father because I thought it was shrinking.
I was 17. At school I ate something for lunch that didn't sit well with my stomach. Next thing I know I'm in my classroom hunched over feeling like my stomach is combusting. I go into the bathroom to find that my penis has become short and black, with the skin crusty and dry. It felt like it would rip off if you tugged on it a little.
When I got home I was hysterical because I thought I would lose my penis (or that this was permanent). I decided swallow my embarrassment and show my dad.
We did nothing about it and eventually the skin went back to normal and my penis grew back to an almost normal size. However my penis is not as long as it used to be, both erect and flaccid. Still to this day I don't know if the food I ate was the cause of it (it was just a slice of pizza).
My dad and I have never spoken of that day.
Update: I think it's important to note that I'm black and I have light brown skin so it's possible that my penis wasn't actually black but the contracted skin made it look darker in color and I confused it for turning black. Also when I showed my dad my penis looked (almost) normal; the skin wasn't as contracted and wasn't nearly as dry as it was when I looked in my school bathroom. That's why he decided not to take me to the hospital.
Didn't have a Dad so one day my penis swelled up and i thought something serious was going on so i had my Mom check it for me. Turns out i had touched it after messing with cleaning supplies. 10/10 never brought it up again and never will.
Oh. I thought you meant you had an erection, but it was literally swollen. ouch.
That was a true father-son-bonding moment.
My dad was diagnosed a few years ago with lymphoma (he's in remission now).
Near the height of his treatment, I went to his house for a visit. He called me into the bathroom and said he needed a hand with something. I obliged, and when I got to the bathroom, he handed me a small box.
Reading the packaging, I discovered I was holding a home enema kit. I looked at him, I looked at the box. Then I had a mental image of his anus. Then I looked back at him, then back at the box.
I said, "aw jeez. Alright then."
He started laughing and said he was joking.
Apparently he did the same thing to all of my siblings as well. We all reluctantly agreed to give our father an enema.
That's love folks.
My dad had a stroke in April. He had just Had TPA and couldn't walk. Also, he had no feeling or movement in his left side. His right was super weak. He was talking just fine and cracking jokes.
My mom left to go get food and it was just me and him. All of a sudden he gets this look on his face and he says "Caity, I have to pee. Right now." oh shit. Okay. So I hand him the urinal. He says "I can't hold the urinal and myself at the same time."
I sucked up, made sure it was in and held the urinal while he went and we don't talk about it now. Well, he told my mom. The three of us don't talk about it. He is 43 and his pride was hurt that day. I learned that I would do anything to help my dad.
I hope your dad is well.
At like the age of 13 I had to show my dad my dick because I had poison ivy on it. Very embarrassing thing to do.
Wtf was wrong with it? Why didn't you see a doctor? Why is no one else asking this?
I keep scrolling to find out why the fuck his dick shrivelled up and turned black but nobody seems to care..?
I feel like this is not a normal thing.
OP, please deliver an explanation.
Thank you! I've been wondering the same. I can't imagine my son showing me his black, crusty dick and not taking him to the closest doctor.
My brother had an imaginary girlfriend with an imaginary Facebook profile. She would post loving, imaginary messages on his wall. I asked about her a few times then got a little more persistent. Ater a while, I got suspicious and did an image search for her photos. They were for another person in another country. Also, no one every saw the imaginary girlfriend. If someone asked me about her after seeing their loving Facebook exchanges, I would kind of imply that we'd met to spare my brother (and myself) embarrassment. Eventually, he stopped talking about the imaginary girlfriend and she stopped posting imaginary things. I will never ask what happened to her. I'm pretty sure he will never mention her again. She's still on Facebook.
So what you're saying is the imaginary GF is single now...
Did your brother play linebacker for Notre Dame and then the Chargers?
In middle school my crush's mom and my mom drove the exact same SUV with similar license plates. After school one day I ran up hopped in my mom's car and started talking when she didn't talk back and hadn't left the pick-up line I looked at her. She was not my mom. I look to my right and my crush is standing outside the car looking at me like I was crazy. I sheepishly got out and ran a few cars back to my real mom. A few years later I had moved back to the area and was a cashier at a local store. My crush came through the line and recognized me and started to say weren't you that girl who...where I just interrupted with a "yes" handed him his change and quickly started the next customer.
My mom walked in on me getting a blowjob in high school. She immediately did a B line in the opposite direction and said 'I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING'. Then the girl and I went and ate dinner with them at our dinner table and we never spoke of it again.
That was the day your mom stopped seeing you as her little boy.
Edit: Thanks for all the love, I have a few high rated comments even though this account is new-ish, and was shocked to find this surpassed them.
and the day I realized that I needed a better lock on my bedroom.
That's a much better reaction than what my father had when he walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's face (now husband) with his dick in my hand.... He walked in, said, "What you guys watchin?" And turned immediately around and walked out of the room and shut the door behind him (like this) before I could finish responding "Clerks 2".
I freaked out, got driven back to my mom's house by my stepmom, who let me know that my father ran to the bathroom and puked for a while.
Clerks 2 wasn't great, but I think running to the bathroom and puking is a bit of an overreaction.
When i was 17 a huge photo radar ticket came in for my truck. something like 40km over the speed limit. My mom was furious at me. HOW DARE YOU DRIVE LIKE A MANIAC I RAISED YOU BETTER and all that. But It turns out I wasn't the driver that day, dad had borrowed it to pick something up. I asked him how much it was worth to him for me to take the fall knowing she'd turn on him with the fury of a angry mama bear. And that's I got myself a new HDTV that year
I have a really similar story to this haha. My dad took my car to work one day because his car was in the shop getting fixed. About a month later a red light camera ticket comes in the mail and my dad opens it and sees its my car and starts blaming me for it. I look at the picture on the ticket and realize it was on a road near where my dad works so i'm like this isn't even me driving thats you going to work and my dad was just like "oh.... welll shit"
My dad took my car to the grocery store once while I was in high school. He forgot to unload the beer he bought, so when I drove to school the next day in my SUV, there was a case of beer in the trunk that could be seen from the outside. One of the security guards saw it and my absurd school administration hauled me in and threatened me with punishment for "attempting to distribute alcohol on school grounds." My dad came in with the receipt for the beer and threatened to raise hell if I received any sort of serious punishment because a) the case was still sealed and no beer had been distributed and b) it was $60/case Czech beer, and no high-schooler is going to be distributing that. The administration did still have me dead to rights on bringing the alcohol on campus, but my dad shouted them down to a 2-page essay about the dangers of alcohol (which he wrote for me) and having to go with a group of fellow students to an elementary school to talk to kids about the dangers of alcohol. Ironically, the group was solely comprised of kids who had been busted for drug and alcohol possession on school grounds, so nobody really put any effort into dissuading the kids from having fun.
My mum heard me talking to my best friend about the new edition of International club porn magazine that had Geri Halliwell naked in it. I got back from school one day and there was a brown paper bag on the sofa which my mum edged towards me and walked off. 14 year old me was forever grateful. You're the best mum!
My younger brother and I had an unspoken rule about my Victoria's secret catalogues. He would leave them alone and when my sis and I were done ordering stuff I would conveniently leave them on the back of the toilet for him. We never spoke about the deal it was just understood. Win win for everyone.
If my mom edged a paper bag toward me it would be full of cleaning supplies
Edit: 1. Yes I've been PM'ed hip dimples 2. Hip dimples or "Dimples of Venus" are the dimples a fit woman gets on both sides of the small of her back 3. Congratulations on your new fetish /r/dimplesofvenus
Had to stay with a work friend one night as we had a conference in his home town the next day. It was weird enough staying in his spare room, but to top things off he had a fancy modern bathroom with a square toilet... which of course, I blocked in the morning with a turd the size of Mt Fuji. After 30 mins of fruitless searching for a plunger while the situation went from bad to worse, he knocked on the door and asked if I was okay. I had to tell him not to come in but to just hand me a fucking plunger and some bleach. Apparently his gf did the same thing the first night she stayed at his place, so at least I'm not alone. To this day I cannot look him in the eye at work.
Edit: ouch my inbox. I get it, everybody poops.
Next time just look for the knife
I was at a pool party in 8th grade, I think I may have been swimming around or sitting weirdly, but I remember a friend of mine told me "Dude I just saw your dick."
Me: "No you didn't"
Friend: "You're right, I didn't"
Never spoke about him seeing my dick again.
When I was at a middle school pool party it was a bunch of my guy friends and one girl we were friends with. Halfway thru her bikini top slipped and I’m 90% sure every one of us saw it, but nobody said anything. She quickly fixed it and nobody has mentioned it in quite some time.
dude, thats great. most of the kids i knew in middle school wouldntve been anywhere near that respectful.
In high school, I had a cold and sneezed and had a huge gob of snot hanging from my nose. Well, this kid who was just generally douchey (definitely not nice to me) immediately said "I'll get you a tissue". I expected him to laugh and make a spectacle of me, but he didn't. He was actually my hero in that instant.Thanks, red neck dude.
This happened with a roommate. We were playing games and for some reason I stood up. When I looked down the angle of his leg/boxers game me a clear view of the goods. I just sat back down. His junk was much whiter than I expected for his olive skin.
One time I was taking a poop and feeling very faint. I started getting cold sweats, feeling dizzy and light headed. In a panick I shouted for my wife to come help me. As she entered the room I proceeded to faint.. fall off the toilet and roll my body to side to prevent injury. Mid fall a solid turd torpedoed out of my butt across the floor leaving a trail of poop smear. When I came to, my wife was standing there in shock, I got up grabbed some toilet paper and picked up my shame and we never spoke of it again.
The mental image of a turd torpedoing out of your arse mid-fall gave me a good 30 second cry-laugh, so thank you for sharing.
Not me but my father's story.
During WWII, my father was a photographer for the 9th Army Air Corps. Most of the time it was ground-based, but occasionally he flew. During the lead-up to D-Day, he flew multiple missions in a bomber converted to a stereoscopic camera (3D imagery) platform (the bomb bay had been gutted and the camera installed there). They would overfly France and take pictures until they either ran out of film or the Luftwaffe showed up. To minimize detection they flew alone with the escort fighters circling out over the Channel. In event of an attack, they'd drop until they were skimming the waves and run for England, passing under the fighters who'd engage the Germans while they fled.
This, of course, didn't have its risks and on more than one occasion they'd be caught too deep into France or the German fighters would get the drop on them and they'd have to man the guns. Crew size meant even the photographers had to man a gun.
So with all that, here's the "let's never speak of this again" moment. They were still at a high altitude One of the guns jammed and the gunner took off his glove and ended up freezing his hand to the metal of the gun.
He's yelling for help and my dad goes over and says, "There's two ways to get your hand off. Either we yank it off and take the skin off your palm, or we use warm liquid. I know of only one source of that..."
"Never tell anybody about this," was said. Dad didn't keep his word, and thus was born the often told story of how my father pissed on a crewmate's hand and the guy thanked him for it.
Edit: Thanks for the silver!
Edit 2: It was urine! Some of ya'll motherfuckers need Jesus.
Reminds me of a joke I saw on r/jokes. Guy goes into a bar and says hey I bet you $50 that I can bite my eye. Bartender accepts, and he takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says to the disappointed bartender, "double or nothing that i can bite my other eye." Bartender is like, "no way. Alright I'll take it." So then the guy takes out his dentures and bites his other eye. Then he says, "triple or nothing, you can slide a shot glass down the bar and I can piss in it without getting any on the bar. Bartender accepts, and slides a shot glass down the bar. The guy runs after it, but it doesnt get into the shot glass. It goes all over the bar. The bartender is overjoyed and jumping up and down. Then, as the guy is paying the bartender his $150, a guy in the bar yells, "FUCK" as loud as he can. The bartender asks if the guy knows what his problem is, and he says, "well, I bet him $10,000 yesterday that I could piss on the bar and you would be happy about it."
Edits: I understand that it's fromdesperado, but I havent seen that. I just heard it on r/jokes. Also yall are right, I didn't know that's how triple or nothing works.
Thank you for this!!! I had heard this in a lawyers office version and I was trying to think of it the other day to tell me friend. You are my hero
I had surgery over the weekend and have been extremely constipated. Yesterday I was squatting over a toilet, crying with a jar of vasoline sitting next to me. My friend, who had come to visit, opened the bathroom door and made eye contact with me as I was attempting to birth 5 days of faecal matter . She then slowly backed out and shut the door.
Everyone's suggesting laxatives and stuff but i think you should just try locking the bathroom door.
How is locking the bathroom door not common? This is beyond weird to me.
Having a bathroom alone you often get lazy and stop locking. Plus for a good chunk of growing up my bathroom door that me and step sister shared stopped latching (became crooked so it was really hard to get shut) and so we just shut it as much as it would go and just didnt walk in on each other. Mainly I'm baffled a bathroom door would be closed and wouldnt knock firsr
2 prunes a day for about a week will get you sorted. No more than that though, they're a natural laxative and you don't want to hurt yourself.
My 6 year old son ate about 7 plums one afternoon as a snack. I thought he'd been snacking on the same one for about an hour until I realized the bag of them was nearly empty. Next 24 hours he was hilariously going to the bathroom every 30 minutes.
Last week, I was in the separate bathroom at work, “pooping” and just buying some time until the end of the day (there wasn’t much to do) .
I accidentally had the door unlocked and this guy at my work opened it and saw me on the toilet, and I didn’t know what to say so I said “Hi!”😁.
Before the end of the day I told him that, whatever that was, didn’t happen.
Edit: this guy who I work with.
I got up one night to get some water, and found that my teenage son was in the kitchen getting food. He was behind the kitchen counter, so I could only see him from the waist up. When he came around the counter into the hall, two things happened simultaneously: He noticed me, and his eyes grew wide in horror; and I saw that he was butt-naked except for a pair of socks.
He starts trying to panic-run backwards on the tile floor (imagine Scooby Doo trying to run but getting stuck in place in a flurry of limbs), but ended up slipping and taking a hard seat on the tile. Worst of all, he dropped his Hot Pocket. I made sure he was ok, then went back to bed and laughed my ass off.
Years later, we were driving and reminiscing about funny memories. I said, "Do you remember that night--" and he cut me off with, "Yes." I didn't even have to specify which night. We knew, and we were silent.
Eating a Hot Pocket with your bits exposed sounds a bit too dangerous for me.
Maybe he wasn’t gonna eat it
Edit: Thanks a lot guys. This is the dumbest fucking comment. Next person to say “coconut” is getting pistol whipped.
I considered that as well... as I theoretically prefer my genitals burn-free, this line of thinking also sounds a bit too dangerous for me.
A thot pocket if you will.
In my early teens I used to jerk it on the bed all the time. My bed had a loose board on the headboard that would kind of make this clacking sound to my stroking. As a naive child, I assumed nobody could hear it. Turns out everybody - my older sisters, my mom, dad, and even my aunt who stayed with us a lot - heard me jerking off ALL THE TIME and knew exactly what was going on.
I learned this about 4 years after moving out when we all got together and got drunk one night, and on my way up to the bedroom my drunk-ass mom goes "We don't want to hear that headboard clanking tonight or you're going to be washing those sheets!" Everyone laughed.
I was like "wut" and then thought about it all night. Nobody acknowledged it at breakfast. Good GOD that was awful.
at least it is in the family. I remember one post where the kids computer was in this window that faced the street. curtains drawn he would whack it on the regular. One night coming home from college or something he noticed the silhouette of his father in the chair and realized he had been shadow boxing for the neighborhood.
My father and I had a porn cold war. There has been a tacit agreement never to speak of it, and we haven't.
When I was a teenager, my mother found my hedgerow porn stash. Both parents confronted me with it when I got home from school. And of course confiscated it. And of course threw it in the bin.
Or so I thought.
Months later, I happened upon my collection, hidden at the bottom of my dad's wardrobe. Hidden. From my mother, clearly.
So I took it back and hid it in my bedroom. What's he going to do? Tell my mother I'd taken the porn he'd hidden from her that he was supposed to have thrown out?
And he found it again. And took it back. And hid it.
And I found it again. And took it back. And hid it.
This went on for years. And it's never been mentioned.
And it never will be.
Hold up. "hedgerow porn stash". So, you're one of the sources of the ubiquitous forest porn? It's like the pre-Internet version of being a seeder instead of just a downloader.
There was a common porn & tobacco stash in a cemetery near my childhood house. Most of it was stolen from the neighborhood convenience store or kids parents. Contents always changed. Sometimes folks would dump a whole fresh stash. Other times it'd get raided clean and we'd have to restock.
Wonder if it's still there...
What do you gain from dumping your tobacco there? How was it not just plainly raided all the time? I can't see that happening unless its just a small group of people who knows where it is.
Not having to stash it at home. And yes, my hometown was tiny. These were the days before cigarettes and cigars were behind the counter. We stole far more tobacco than we ever smoked. Though that's not something I'm particularly proud of looking back
My father and I had a porn cold war
“Mr. Gorbachev, tear up this ass!”
My husband and I work at the same small office. We were the first ones in that morning and other employees usually don’t show up for another hour or so. There’s only one bathroom on our floor as it’s a small business.
Anyway, I had just had some habanero spicy thing the day before and I was in for some punishment on this particular morning. I’m talking doubled over, clutching your stomach, your farts are fire-punishment. I hear a knock on the bathroom door and I assume it’s my husband. “Hang on I’m having the habanero squirts. I’ll be out as soon as I can,” I groan out between awful spirting sounds. I hear a female voice awkwardly reply, “Oh...okay.”
Sorry Stacy for pulling you into my terrible morning...
My husband and I work at the same small office. We were the first ones in that morning and other employees usually don’t show up for another hour or so. There’s only one bathroom on our floor as it’s a small business
Totally thought this was gonna be a sex story...nope.
"I'm having the habanero squirts." I'm just-I... I'm sorry for your friend
My wife and I were at my cousin's apartment in a big city. They have a balcony on the 40th something floor. We were all outside on the balcony drinking some beers and getting a little drunk. My wife rests her beer can (thank god it was a can and not a bottle or glass) on the railing of the balcony. I scold her and go to move it when my half drunk and clumsy self knocks it off and we watch in horror as it falls in slow motion 40 stories and hits the ground like a bullet next to a crowd of people. We never mentioned it to anyone.
My boyfriend had to give me an enema once.
When my best friend died, we figured he would have liked a 'sky burial' kind of.
So at the height of the funeral party we released his ashes into heavens with a giant balloon.
After a few meters of flight the string has snapped, and his remains covered the mourning crowd.
Everyone made their best efforts to get very drunk as soon as possible.
We will never speak of this ever.
I mean...somebody should. In therapy, maybe?
Haha it happen 10+ years ago, now at least I can write about it.
There was a countdown for the main event. Guest got their own normal balloons so they could release all at once together with the carrier balloon.
This picture stays with me forever:
-bright sunny day
-shitload of colorful balloons flying with a big one
-the only sound is his five year old kid crying heavily while looking up the sky covered in the father's ashes
Later it turned out the kid didn't understand, but only was sad because all the balloons got away. But still, bloody hell.
Yesterday was the year anniversary of one of my best friends passing. He would have hated the sad service and people he barely spoke to acting like his best friends. Given the option, he 100% would have chosen an unexpected ash shower as a final goodbye joke. Obviously not what everyone would have wanted, I sincerely hope your friend was a type of person who would have gotten a chuckle out of that.
I thought a sky burial is when you put them on a mountain and let scavenger birds eat them...
The smoking hot guy I met the prior weekend asked me out and, naturally, I said yes. Because I'd just met him, I asked if I could drive, and he said no problem. On the way to get some grub, we're cruising along with the perfect tunes playing in the car, windows down, on an absolutely beautiful night. He looks over, I look over.... we're both just sparkling, you know? It was one of those "moments" where you want to take a mental snapshot.
Aaaaannnd THEN...... I guess we must have driven through an area of something he was allergic to? Because he sneezed a couple small ones, then with one MASSIVE blow, HONKED a HUUUUUGE wad of SNOT aaaaaallllll over my windshield and dashboard!
But, unbelievably, that's NOT the worst part. Nooooo. He pretended like it DIDN'T HAPPEN, and went about talking, and scooping it up with his HANDS and smearing it ONTO HIS PANTS!
I. Was. BEYOND. Mortified. I was throwing up in my mouth, my eyes were watering, and he didn't want me to pull over to get it cleaned up? We had to go to dinner like that, with SNOTTY PANTS!!
Sigh...... I ended up marrying him. We have NEVER, EVER spoken of it again, not even 40 years later.
Edit: Holy SNOT balls Batman, THIS has blown up! Thanks for all the excellent karma! Wish I could show the hubster the post but.... ya know.... IT'S IN THE VAULT!!!
After a house party when I was a teenager me and my friend both passed out on my bed. About 2/3 hours later I woke up with horrendous cramp in my leg so I've sat on the edge of the bed massaging it trying to get rid of it.
My friend woke up and thought I was masturbating but got too awkward to ask wtf was going on. He never said anything until the next morning when he was giving me a wierd look.
I'd prefer we never speak of it again...he loves twisting the story to any girls on nights out.
"See Jim... I even posted on Reddit on how it was just a cramp and wasn't masturbating right next to you while you were sleeping... Therefore it must be true!"
We were at a friends hanging out. He invited a few girls over and one of the guys knew where his “nut rag” was kept. Someone went to the kitchen and used tongs to grab it and show off. The girls asked what it was and we began to just silently sit there thinking of something.
When I was a teenager I got really stoned one day and when I got home I went for a shower. It was only me and my sister in the house. While still incredibly high I got shampoo in my eyes, in a little panic I slipped..
ripped the shower curtain down.. Fell out the bath.. Hit head on radiator and landed with my arm down the toilet.
My sister burst in to see what had made a huge crashing sound, there’s me.. naked, wrapped up in a shower curtain on the floor with my arm down the toilet.
12 years later and it’s never been brought up
My parents had to help me get home after an unfortunate event with a dominatrix in Lithuania where I got robbed while strapped down naked on the bed, she took off and I had to be "rescued" by the lithuanian police.
Why the heck did you have to go all the way to Lithuania for a dominatrix?
Met her here in norway at a League of Legends event, she was pretty fun, cool and superhot, so we talked more online after she went back to Lithuania. Eventually she told me she was into some kinky stuff, I started asking more questions out of curiosity.
I had no experience with it, but was invited to her city if I wanted to try. So I decided to say yes if she went easy on me as I was inexperienced, wich she obliged to.
I went over there, met her and had fun during the day, when night time came she took me to a hotel and told me to get naked and lie down on the bed with my ass up.
She chained me down and put a blindfold over my head. I heard some noises and expected her to start being mean, but then everything went quiet.
After a few minutes I realized she wasnt there anymore, and started shouting for help. When some time had passed, 2 stewardesses came in and helped me out, then eventually the police picked me up and I had to spend a long time there since they thought I had been buying sexual services from a prostitute, something my mom also thought. But they got me home, and was happy to see them when I landed, but super embarassed.
When I was college age (living at home but going to school) my Dad worked night shift. Taking advantage of my usually empty house (he didn't get home until 11am or so) on a weekend I decided to fuck the shit out of my girlfriend at the time. And I did. And she was loud. REAL loud. Like, nearly 2 decades of Christian repression looking to take itself out entirely on my penis "loud".
We finish. Towel off. Whatever. Go downstairs and pass my Dad's door on the way. It is now closed.... It was FOR SURE open earlier. Look outside, his car is in the driveway... I can hear his TV in his room. Our rooms shared a wall (the headboard of each bed). He never brought it up again....
Before this, I had a girl from work over super late but no place to "do stuff". So we ended up on the tailgate of my grandpas truck (parked outside in the open in an alley in town. Also important, my Dad's bedroom window FACES this but I thought he was asleep). We have sex. It's fine. She leaves. I go back in.
Next morning my Dad says "Why was there a girl here last night?"
"Oh we were just talking."
Then he kind of gives me that I-fucking-know look and says "Alright. Talking."
by this point he probably thinks you have a fetish
15 years old, I wander into the living room in my boxers, hand down the front, enjoying being home alone. President George W. Bush is on TV talking about cloning. With little understanding of what he is talking about, I yell at the top of my lungs, "WE'RE FUCKED!"
When I was home alone and a teenager, I liked to get wacky like this, probably just an outlet of excess energy and my general facade of being a decent kid. Dance around, yell random things, basically if you saw me in private at any point in these years you would have thought I was mentally ill (hell, maybe I am, who can say?)
Unfortunately for me I was not home alone and my mom was in the living room watching this unfold. She yelled at me in shock at my behavior, it was probably top 10 most embarrassed I've ever been in my life, and it was never discussed again.
I know exactly what you are talking about because i do the exact same thing lmao. Once i think the house is empty i get like bursts of energy to just shout and run around really fast like a kid again
We get the zoomies too
Around this age my twin brother and I would do similar things. Personal favourite was shouting expletives at the top of our lungs when our parents left us home alone. Fun times.
If I ever have kids and they get old enough to be left alone, I'll look at their innocent eyes as I leave home knowing they'll probably do some shit like this.
I was watching college baseball on TV when I was probably about that age. I was also sitting on the floor near the TV working on something - a puzzle, reading the paper, who knows. There was a point in the broadcast where they mentioned the first base coach, whose last name was Pujolz - this was before Albert Pujolz was in the majors. I mused out loud, "POO holes?" And immediately got the 'youre not alone' feeling. I turned around and my mom was sitting on the couch behind me, with a concerned look on her face, but I quickly continued my thought: "I think the Braves just drafted his kid!" I don't think I've ever been able to save myself so quickly ever again.
Soo... it passed like 5 years since my dad divorced my mom... anyway, my mom is not too good with phone stuff. My dad came to pick me and my brother up from my moms apartment (this was years ago, when me and my brother were 14 and 16, so we talked out the man stuff with my dad, and were allowed to joke around with my dad about these stuff) and our mom climbed in the backsear of my dads car, because my brother was in the front, and she asked my dad to help her fix her phone(she just bought a new one). It was somethink with syncing contacts with gmail i think, so my dad opened up chrome, and my mum was on some website about education, and my dad saw that she had around 100 tabs open, so my dad opened them up, and then, it hit us. My mom was searching for porn, and instead of deleting the history, she just made a new tab. Me, my brother and my father were watching. We all had a short "hua" but we stopped. Instantly. We didin't want our mom to know we saw that. After like 2 seconds of being scared of all that wanky shit my mom was searching, my dad shut down chrome and gave the phone to my mum. He told her he didin't know how to fix it. Then my mom left the car.
We never, ever, talked about this. Not even between my and my brother. And we were 100% open to eachother. I don't think i dared to touch her phone, ever again.
Trying to teach my new at the time girlfriend how to drive my manual car. She told me she had done it a few times and knew what she was doing. Fast forward ten minutes and I no longer have a front bumper. She continues with "I cant believe I did this! You're friends and family are gonna think I'm an idiot!" I just replied with "I did this" and we havnt spoke of it since. Everyone thinks im the idiot
Some years ago, the toilet in my kids' bathroom got really clogged. Like impossibly clogged. Nothing, not even one of those toilet snake thingies could unclog it. It was so bad that I literally took the the toilet bowl apart and removed it from the mounting, determined to see just what the hell clogging it. Finally, after some poking and prodding around, I dislodged a small canister of hairspray - you know those like travel-size versions, about 5 inches high and maybe 1.5 inches in circumference. Confused ,I asked my son if he knew how that could have gotten in there. He had a horrified look on his face, as if I had dug something up out of a grave. He was about 13 or 14 at the time, so suddenly I had an idea of what was going on. He tried to explain it away as "Oh I was just fooling around and trying to see what I could flush down the toilet, haha", but I knew his ass was lying. I totally knew he was trying to stick that thing up his ass and that it fell in. I gave him a look as if to say "I know they truth but I'm not gonna push the matter", and we never spoke of it again. I covered for him when I spoke to my wife and just told her that I think the kids were just fooling around and it fell in.