I just want to see the world burn
Edit: wow my first true "rip inbox" is about tormenting chronically ill children...
I just want to see the world burn
Edit: wow my first true "rip inbox" is about tormenting chronically ill children...
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Granted. Now they have to wait in line at Disney world... You monster.
And 1/3 kids die on their favorite ride.
Another third of the children die while eating.
The final third of them are totally fine and have a blast since they are pretty much numb to the concept of death anyways.
The world begins to frame Disney in a wholly new context.
Eventually Disney begins to market videos of the park, as everyone uses smartphones anyways. This allows them to implement a no camera policy, and by association no cellphones.
People stop being on their phones with their children, and the families eventually begin enjoying their extremely limited time much more. Folks stop even bringing their phones, and some stories get out of families talking in the car on the way. Like, full conversations, and then everyone begins to move away from the global cellular phone addiction. The children really show a very positive response.
Facebook's stock plummets. Twitter goes dark. The Jenner family has to get jobs. All becomes well in the world, simply because we've developed a swamp of death in central Florida.
They begin to start a new body farm. Much research is done to further the field of forensic science, and many of the diseases become better understood.
#1: oh geez thank GOODNESS they put that sign there, my little millennial self would’ve stood there for days wondering why i couldn’t see the next picture!! | 93 comments
#2: Young people today can't even spell "help" thanks to phones using autocorrect. | 98 comments
#3: Is- is this "humor"? | 97 comments
Floridian here: Fuck Disney World. It's too hot, everything costs too much, there's too many people, most of the rides are terrible and the service sucks.
Not a Floridian here: Fuck you
Am a Floridian here: Fuck Florida. It’s an inferior California
Not a Floridian here: I agree with the Floridians.
Not Floridan here: The California guy will move to Phoenix or Las Vegas anyways, and then complain the whole time about how California is better but still won't go back.
I want to move to Colorado, but I'm not sure the natives will understand my modern technology.
Stay out of Colorado. You're looking for Texas.
Or most rural areas in the midwest. Or anywhere called "Jackson" or "Jacksonville".
Downtown Jacksonville! Call!
Texas here. It's always hot and you coming will only make the traffic worse. Try Alabama.
Fellow Texan: only come if you’re going to be nice and drink the lone star Kool-Aid.
Alabama is alright. Weather’s tolerable. Rent is absurdly cheap. Food is pretty cheap, but there’s a fucked up 9% grocery tax and a ridiculously high liquor tax+markup. Most people are nice enough. Politics are fucked too. Traffic isn’t bad at all, but public transit is nonexistent.
Alabama here. It’s always hot and the humidity will choke you to death if you step outside. Try Kentucky.
Colo is full of hipsters and weedeaters right now...
Colorado is actually fairly large considering all the states around it.
I've been staring at this sentence for several minutes and still cannot decipher its relevance to my own.
I kind of realized that after I finished and sent it. I was thinking the way you phrased it was referring to us being a less populated or further down the chain of states
Not a Floridian or Californian: The Californian will also vehemently declare California better than New York even though it's a preference thing. They always do.
Bostonian here: Fucking help me it's freezing outside.
Philadephian here: Fuck all of you.
Philadelphian here: fuck you go birds
San Diegan here, laying out naked in my patio in the sun on reddit
Californian here, the one who would never dream of prattling on about how good my state was/is/can be again whether I travel or move. I'm actually a little afraid to move for fear my house would be TPd and egged on a regular basis.
Oregonian here. Can confirm.
As a Californian the only reason we are better than New York is because we do not have brutal winters.
Everything else comes down to personal preference, me...I can't live in a place with real winter.
Nevadan here: please stop moving to las vegas because we already have too many people here and traffic has gotten so bad in the past 10 years.
Hey, that is how we feel in Phoenix, ESPECIALLY all the midwesterners, they are worse than Californians because they talk to all their friends like they discovered the holy grail and invite those idiots too (I am sure they are nice people I am just mad that it took me 45 minutes to get to work this morning because of "snowbirds")
That city should not exist. It is a monument to man's arrogance.
i feel you guys, i've been to phoenix a few times
Californians do that yeah, but it's really the Midwesterners that are the problem here in Phoenix. Why can't they just go back to their igloos and leave us alone??
It's like people moving from Chicago telling everyone how great Chicago is then moving their whole family here to Phoenix. What? There are too many people here now and they all don't seem to know what is going on.
Exactly what happened with me, i'm too lazy.
Michigander here: shhhhh. You don’t see us. We do not exist. No reason to move here at all, nope.
Not a floridian nor californian here: I agree with both of you.
Californian here: can confirm. Florida is an inferior waterlogged version of California.
I usually get kinda annoyed when people categorize Florida, because I live in Broward County and it’s actually really nice compared to the North, but that’s a really accurate description.
Californian here: at least Florida isn’t on fire and just gets the occasional light rain
Californian here: Come to California, where air and smoke are currently a package deal
Not a Floridian here: California sucks
As a native Floridian stationed in Cali, I can honestly say California sucks monkey dick.
I’ve been to Disney world quite a bit and I really like it personally.
Universal and Islands of Adventure > Disney
I went in May this year and while it was hot as fuck, I only felt like I was gonna die of heat exhaustion once, and I feel like that’s below average for a Disney World trip. Also, the crowds weren’t too bad (surely would’ve been worse once summer break had started).
And the rides at Disney World are fucking great. Tower of Terror, Space Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain, Test Track, Rock ‘n Rollercoaster, Expedition Everest, the list goes on. The non-rollercoaster rides are great too, especially the new Toy Story one.
My fondest memories of Disney world include chugging much needed water and any rides that went underground (it was nice and cool there)
i have never disagreed with a human more in my life
You've lived a very charmed life, my friend.
Not a Floridian here but lived there for a while and had a season pass. It’s not so bad. But I’m used to heat and overpriced shit. As far as everything else though I liked it
After a few wishes go wrong, the Make-a-Wish Foundation seeks the help of the r/TheMonkeysPaw subreddit to logic check each wish before they are submitted. A few wishes still get out of hand every now and then, but almost never irreparably due to the watchful eyes of the subreddits veterans.
Fool tried to do evil with the paw, the paw is no tool.
Always wondered how a lawyer skilled at making ironclad contracts would fare with a monkey paw wish...
Now he can't watch the world burn.
I love that there’s a subreddit for this
Granted. All sick children's wishes are granted. This is soon exploited and people begin deliberately making children sick in order to grant their wishes. However, the Make-a-Wish foundation has limited capacity to cater for sick children, leading to a massive increase in sick children overall.
Apparently they have to deal with people trying to hijack wishes all the time, so that possibility probably isn't that far off from happening.
What is wrong with people?
I mean, it's not like the kid is going to be around long enough to enjoy the memory of whatever awesome wish they had granted. Much better for the parent to get to experience the joy of meeting their favorite celebrity/athlete or going on that awesome vacation, because they'll get to also enjoy the memory of that muuuuch longer. /s
The Monkey's Paw sees that this wish was already granted to u/_Cyber_Guy_ a while ago, and in a fit of anger decides that all the children's wishes will be granted, but the cost of making them all come true is put solely on you, along with the consequences.
I found yours and up voted it. Crazy how fickle reddit is with what does and doesn't do well.
I'm sorry things didn't work out for you Mr Cyber Man
My bad, didn't search before posting
The monkeys paw is evil, but cannot fathom how evil your wish is, it grants the children's wishes without consequence, sicko
The monkeys paw is not evil. It merely seeks to make the user aware that there is no such thing as a free lunch. There is a cost to the wish. If it was evil, it would frivolously give people a hard time without someone wishing for anything.
Granted. Little Timmy wishes you would drop dead because you keep yelling at him to get off your lawn.
Granted. All of the sick children’s wishes are granted. Their wildest dreams come true, their illnesses-to the best ability of modern medicine-are treated without their families paying a dime, and no expense is spared.
Their wishes are paid for out of your life savings. You wake up to find that your accounts are $467,923, 112.67 overdrawn, and that legal proceedings have been undertaken to seize all of your assets, including your house, car, and all other assets. Further, your wages are garnished to ensure payment from future earnings. This debt is further given the same legal status as student loans, unable to be discharged by a simple declaration of bankruptcy.
Honestly, if the cost of all sick kids getting treatment is me becoming financially insolvent, it’s totally worth it..
I would become a hobo that cures kids!
As opposed to the other hobos that cure kids by touching them?
I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:
It's okay, it's not like I have a house, car, or job right now, and at least I get to ruin the lives of every sick child in the world!
I could live with that.
If it would only cost less than 500 million dollars to cure and treat ALL sick children across the world, we could come up with that amount in fundraising in less than a day.
This is just for the kids in the Make-A-Wish program.
I wonder how long it would take people to realize they could wish to be cured rather than a trip to Disneyland?
Good luck in Genie-Court motherfucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The whole economy colapses and there is no money to keep grating to sick children
DONE A bargain at twice that price.
You see the Monkey's Paw later down the line, after you become one of those sick children...
This is the best one in the thread lmao
Granted. All sick children, even those with a common cold, receive their wishes. An apocalypse of unicorns, dragons, and dinosaurs destroys society.
An employee at the foundation finds the paw and just happens to be holding it when she absentmindedly wishes to grant a child's wish to visit Disney World. Later that day she receives an email thanking her for the tickets that magically showed up at the kids house. Unfortunately, she had done none of the proper paper work and had no authorization to send tickets (magical or otherwise) and so she is fired.
Another employee takes over her office, finds the paw, and also accidentally makes a wish. He is also fired.
A third employee... same result. The foundation is now in full blown crisis mode. Three employees have been fired for granting unauthorized wishes with unknown funds and means. All public services are shutdown while a formal investigation is performed. Eventually the feds get wind of the situation and start their own investigation. Since no one can account for how the wishes were granted, the feds finally conclude that Make-a-Wish is laundering money for the mob. The entire operation is shut down.
Granted, John Cena continues to grant a record breaking amount of wishes.
But none of the kids can see him.
Granted. No tricks up this monkey's sleeve. Some friendly competition for you there ;)
Granted, now theres a dinosaur in a hospital somewhere
The Make-a-Wish Foundation now uses the monkeys paw to grant all of the wishes of ill children. But the paw now runs on OP's blood, each wish uses 1 litre of blood leading to you being chained up and siphoned for the happiness of terminal kids.
Granted. Unfortunately, you are now the bearer of the monkey paw. Your human hand is replaced with that of a furry ape. You personally have to go to each child, listen to their wish and then grant it with horrifying but ironic consequences. You become known as the grinch of terminally ill children. Grieving families curse your name and your wife divorces you.
Make-A-Wish is stupid. Why do the sick kids wish to meet John Cena when they could just wish for their sickness to go away?
All the children receive no-strings attached wishes. You receive all the strings.
I open a yarn store. Checkmate atheists
Granted. Every sick child's wish, no matter the guage of sickness, comes true. When a child with a common cold gets upset with a teasing brother, he wishes for him to get hit by a car out of anger, not expecting it to happen, and it happens.
Granted. One kid wishes to see Drake. A gigantic dragon rips the roof off the hospital and breathes fire in the kid's face. His tumour is burnt off and he is healthy, albeit with PTSD.
I just realized we could all wish for something bad to happen and it would become good
Granted. Every kid wishes to not be sick anymore. They live happy, long lives with their loving families. C: Cancer research centers either close down or focus on adult cancer patients. Big pharma takes a huge hit and shakes the industry.
Where is the downside?
Granted. Nothing about children’s wishes changes but you seem to have developed a rash that won’t go away.
Congratulations, you're now terminally ill.
Granted. As each child make their wish, they are cured of their terminal conditions. Because they are no longer dying, their wishes are not granted.
News of these miracles quickly spreads and soon children are journeying from around the world to use the paw and a religion forms around make a wish.
Everyone is happy except the children. They really wanted to go to Disney world.
They get to meet John Cena, but he gives them an Attitude Adjustment
Granted. You become a servant of the paw, forced to go to every single sick kid to tell them their outcome of their wish.
All of the wishes are granted for all of the children. The foundation cannot manage matching each child to their specific wish, so the wishes are distributed through a lottery. They pull a child’s name out of one jar and a wish from another jar.
You end up with a 15 year olds meeting Elmo and 3 year olds at a Monster Truck Rally
Granted. All of the kids wishes are perfectly phrased and comes true without a single flaw, but each and every one some how inadvertently effects you in a negative way.
Granted. The Paw knows your ill intentions and instead grants all sick children's wishes without any adverse consequences to them.
Kid: I want to meet Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift: dies
Cancer: Wish Granted
Granted. The Monkey Paw grants every wish, giving those terminal kids everything they wanted and got because they were so sick. Then they get well, because that is the thing they really wish for. Every. One. The Make a Wish foundation is crushed under what looks like an enormous fraud perpetrated by all the now happy and healthy children.
Granted. The children suffer but the family gets immensely rich
Granted- aaaaaaand it's gone. Five sick children get wishes that go horribly awry. The rest get nothing. /wonka
Granted, but all the sick kids get better and no longer qualify to get a monkey’s paw wish.
All of them are going to go well and thats your twist
Granted. A massive influx of Santa clauses causes many retail business to go out of business, job losses causing the worst recession in history and the great santa distribution war and millions of decomposing reindeers to raise global warming to an all time high.
Granted. You become the focus of the drawbacks of ALL of their wishes.
The celebrate population dwindles as "meat" gets mistaken for "meet" frequently.
All the kids die afterwards
I read the Monkeys paw, Mrs White, Mr White, and dead herbert
All wishes go fine thus screwing your wish over.
Non of the children actually wished to be cured, they all die anyway.. But you can at least tell their parents you tried... :/
All of the children that wish for the real John Cena either cannot see him or receive his signature move Attitude Adjustment.
Only three more wishes were ever given to sick children.
Granted, someone wishes for Logan Paul to be king of the universe
Every wish Comes with the Caviat of dying of cancer
I don't think you even have to add conditions to this one for it to work.
John Cena would be simultaneously everywhere and never seen.
What the hell is the monkey paw
" I want all cancer to go away..." (POOF...Congress is in recess )
Granted. A plague of perverse wishes spread across the world, a thousand Superman each with it's own Lex Luthor. Tens of thousands of children plummeting frozen from the sky as their wish for flight lets them soar just high enough to asphyxiate. Legions of undead sports stars and actors reanimated to meet young children who adore them roam the streets feasting on flesh. Chaos is the new order of the world.
After years of madness, of apocalypse daily brought forth from the perversions of a child's wish one man says "NO MORE!" His whole life he has tried to see the conspiracies that rule the world, but never before has he been right. He knows SOMEONE brought the wish-plague.
Deep in his bunker, surviving only through strength of will and Super Male Vitality Testosterone Drops, Alex Jones utters his wish to the last mad member of Make-A-Wish:
"I wish whoever did this suffered the world's agony a hundred-fold! And that the frogs weren't gay!"
Your existence is a hell even the few survivors of this blasted world cannot comprehend.
Frogs are straight now though, so at least that worked out...
I’m here to kick bubblegum and chew ass and I’m all out of ass
Granted. That kid from the other day's AskReddit turned into a dinosaur, killed his family and rampaged through the neighborhood
Granted. You are now next in line for the Make-a-Wish Foundation, by the by. You have six weeks left.
So what would happen when I wished to go on a shopping spree in apple stores.
Alright, calm down Satan
The Monkey Paw doesn't fulfill their Make-a-Wish wishes, but instead fulfills their innermost wishes.
All the kids are cured
Granted. By the nature of curses, every wish subsequently granted under the aegis of your wish will have its negative consequences directed at you. Your life becomes a Greek tragedy, though hundreds of dying children are spared a painful and slow death, or die incredibly happy.
What's that episode of Oz where the guy in the wheel chair talked about Make-a_wish foundation? He hypothesized what would happen if a kid just wished to fondle some big ol'titties
Granted, every side effect to every wish is now applied to you, the children are safe and happy now, they thank you.
Granted. After several wishes go horribly -- and publicly -- wrong, the Make-a-Wish Foundation shutters. Seeing the utter despondency wrought on the such a precious, deserving group and incorrectly assuming the malignancy stemmed from trying to fulfill wishes, no other organization steps in.
Granted, now only sick children can use the paw
Granted, all wishes, including those with malicious intent, impossible to do happen immediately. This causes monsters to be summoned and run wild, masses of people to die and the world to collapse.